The Assassinated Press

Meet the New Elito, Same As The Old Elito:
With The End Of Roe V. Wade Congress, Red States Gear Up To Father Thousands, Millions Of Bastards:
Evangelicals Embrace Papist Court:
Blue Blood And Blue Balls: Alito: A Case Study In The Abuse Of The Latter To Become The Former.

By DAVID IGNORAMUS
The Assassinated Press
November 2, 2005

Washington DC---With the nomination of Princeton and Yale Law grad Samuel Alito(pronounced E-leet-Oh!) to the Supreme Court, I'm beginning to sense a theme in the Cheney administration's neo-felonious second term: We are witnessing the rise of the Republican A-hole students. The walking dead defacto president with his preppy, brain dead frat boy is gradually assembling a government of poorly socialized GOP molested altar boys who didn't get laid until their silver wedding anniversary and even then it was by the parish priest before the celebratory Mass.

Alito is as pedigreed a member of America's neutered, bitter, bigoted aristocracy as you could hope to find. After Princeton and Yale and even before he needed a comb over, he fixed all the right tickets, crossed every 't' and licked every ass: circuit court clerk, assistant U.S. attorney, assistant to the solicitor general, Office of Legal Counsel at the Justice Department, U.S. attorney and then a spot as an appellate judge, just another cop in a slightly better suit.

The Square Circle

The president's new court nominee, a born follower, follows the supremely Catholic and monumentally racist choice for chief justice. John G. Roberts was a grad of Harvard and Harvard Law, then made the grand tour of elite law jobs as a Supreme Court clerk, associate White House counsel and deputy solicitor general. Another cop with Armani potential. What gave the game away during Robert's confirmation process was that all of Washington's other A-hole students, the Republican and Democratic kleptocracy, seemed to know and like him.

You can argue that choosing another sheltered, unworldly anchorite who cut his teeth playing cop is difference by default, and that the president's first instincts were shown in the nomination of an sheltered, unworldly, anchorite who was fond of playing sycophant, Harriet Miers. But Miers herself was no slouch in the nunnish/monkish department, with enough cop in her to become the first female president of the State Bar of Texas. In fact, the only jobs she arguably wasn't qualified for those involving real world experience rather than a record of near flawless politically correct derriere identification, that is french kissing ass that matters.

Blue Blood And Blue Balls: A Study In The Abuse Of The Latter In The Former

The confirmation fight over Alito is going to be ideological, but for the moment it's the theology that interests me. Once upon a time, evangelicals instinctively mistrusted the Catholics who had won all the merit badges because the nuns rapped their knuckles with golden rulers and priests made them unfit for the distractions of normal sex. The evangelicals especially in the South tried to emulate the hated Catholics by burning their testicles to simulate the flames of Hell and handling snakes instead of their schlongs when the horns came out.

From Holy Water To The Golden Shower; From Ritual To The Hard Stuff

The Kennedy, Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, Alito sort of religion-by-resume was a phenomenon of the old, patrician Democratic elite exemplified by John Kennedy who would have laughed at the sexual resumes of today's Supreme Court candidates. Jack Kennedy was Catholic that could tear off a piece of ass and roundly admired for it.

The Ivy League Dems sailed out of Harvard and Yale and into government with the self-confidence born of good grades, and a 'network of mentors' who had their vanity stroked the kind of ass-licking that could get you those good grades. Because Ronnie was a diseased dunce surrounded by Madison Avenue PR people, the Reagan Revolution was partly driven by a bogus indignation against the very privileged caste they were part of because it played well with the dumb fucks who repeatedly vote against their own self-interest. Polls show that only the least informed people vote. Now, nearly 25 years after Reagan's PR guys foisted that piece of bullshit, the patrician Democrats are still bellying up to the same trough as the Republican right.

You can see the rise of Cheney's A-hole students in other recent nominations: His choice for Fed chairman was Ben Bernanke, a Princeton an Alan Greenspan clone that the kleptocracy could count on with the very delicate yet brutal task of trickle up economics where each nickel each stooge in the general public generates conflates into a flood of cash for the kleptocracy.

This elite tone is heard emanating from the people that Bush is ordered to appointment to senior administration positions, too. It's a little-noticed fact that the No. 2 spots at State, Defense and Treasury have gone to a triumvirate of like-minded men with clubby, elite backgrounds and permanent brown stains over their jowels: Robert Zoellick at State graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Swarthmore and magna cum laude from Harvard Law; Gordon England at Defense studied electrical engineering at the non-Ivy University of Maryland, but a childhood fixation on how to blow peoples' brains out in huge numbers catapulted him to positions on the Defense Science Board and as executive vice president of General Dynamics; and Robert Kimmitt at Treasury was a West Point graduate who took a law degree at Georgetown and then served in a range of top government and corporate positions both words, "serve" and "positions" completing nicely the sado-masochistic relation that defines the elite. I'm told that this troika has "performed" unusually smoothly in meetings of National Security Council deputies this year, helping put a badly "bruised" NSC process back in good working order. Those fuckers know their oils and lotions.

The dominant personality in the Cheney Cabinet is the ultimate hippocrat, Kindasleezzie Rice, a black woman from Alabama who rose to the top of American life in an A-hole student's bubble that kept her from the harsher realities of race. Joining Rice as a key decision maker is John 'Death Squad' Negroponte, a graduate of Yale and former ambassador to cutthroats everywhere -- a man who at one point was even chairman of the French-American Foundation and The Society of the Garrote.

President Bush -- despite his being grandfathered into Andover and Yale -- still does a good job of sounding like an outsider because he's a sounds like any moron that's ignorant enough to vote for him. (Am I crazy, or does his constituency speak with more of a cracker accent today than they did when he took office? Are they sacrificing themselves so that no child will be left behind?) But when you look at the people he has been told to nominate for key posts, it's always the GOP one helix DNA ladder with the cowpie smile. This particular group is lopsidedly and white and male and, like most collections of hippocrats, too little shaped by the hardscrabble America that politicians like to fabricate. When you can't even fake getting drunk and fucked, baby you got a chip on your shoulder about that fuckers who can. But they will give Bush some "bottom" and balance in his second term whatever that little Freudian slip means.

The larger point is we are living in the post-Reagan era. The insiders of old can't pretend to be outsiders; the conservatives are bought off and networked so they can't go whistle blower or renegade. It has fallen to George W. Bush, the combative underachiever, to create a second-term government of the sheltered and unscrutinized, GOP-style. The problem for the Republicans is that, now that they're the elite, who are they going to denounce for elitism so the yahoos still think they're just a bunch of shitkickers in $2400.00 designer boots?


home