The Assassinated Press

"If you're going first class, you got Mars. If you're going coach, you got The Rapture."
U.S. Kleptocracy's Isolation On Global Warming Not A Concern:
Bush Plan Includes The Rapture And Colonizing Mars To Avoid Danger:
World Says It Would Just Be Glad To See Whitey Go---"Mars, Rapture, It Don't Fuckin' Matter As Long As You Assholes Get Out Of Our Business."
In Flap Over 'Christmas' Creche, Check Or Charge Not A Factor.

By EVAN HELPICE
December 11, 2005

WASHINGTON DC(SATAN'S ANUS) -- Melting glaciers, the shrinking ice cap, warming oceans, rising sea levels and cities wiped off the face of the earth -- all are urgent concerns around the world, but not in America where real estate developer's fatalism concerning the potential perpetuation of life forms on the planet and the willingness of those life forms to fork over seven figures for a two bedroom condo override such fears.

Faith In The Jesus Machine

Critics said the Cheney administration's isolation at the United Nations-brokered international climate talks that ended last week in Montreal doesn't make much sense. Nor was it meant to. The White House acknowledged Sunday that it holds "a different view that includes an abiding belief in faith based technology" providing global leadership on heat-trapping "greenhouse" gases to be used as a propellant to terra-formed colonies on Mars.

Eileen Claussen, president of the private Pee-ew Center on Global Gasses and a former U.S. climate price negotiator in the Clinton administration, said the current U.S. position reflects an unhealthy tendency toward unilateralism because there will be no more than few thousands seats on the Mars colonizing spacecraft, mistrust of international treaties that they can't manipulate for profit and a belief that the only things that will make any difference are investments in new technologies that will hasten the Rapture and terraform Mars and maybe Neptune.

What Would Christ Buy?

Claussen, who is a quick study added "I think most of the rest of the world doesn't believe that for a second. It's something else that's driving this, and it's not rational. I think it's religioeconomic."

U.S. Has Most To Lose

More than 150 nations, including nearly every industrialized country except the United States, agreed Saturday to negotiate a second phase of mandatory cuts in greenhouse gas emissions. Those include carbon dioxide, methane and other gases accumulating in the atmosphere from fossil-fuel burning. A 1997 treaty negotiated in Kyoto, Japan, covers the first phase through 2012, but the United States, whose tailpipes and smokestacks are responsible for one-quarter of the world's greenhouse gases, won't participate.

Claussen said: "If you really want results, you have to do something that's mandatory. And in the U.S. that could be dangerous. Corporate America don't do mandatory unless it puts more money in their pockets. It's not going to happen with voluntary approaches because the corporations would sooner kill ya than fork over an extra quarter. Let 'em figure out how to make a buck on pollution reduction like them pollution credits and they be down with the shit."

What, Me Worry

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said the Cheney administration favors voluntary efforts and bilateral and regional arrangements to tackle climate change because then "we don't have to do shit. We like the $3 billion a year in U.S. government spending on research and development of energy-saving technologies because that just means we belly-up to the public trough and steal another 3 billion."

"Our Faith Is Strong Enough To Sell God Back His Bridge."

"If you only focus on debates about binding emissions caps, more specifically the Kyoto Protocol, then yes, we have a different view than the participants that have signed onto Kyoto who hold out this vain hope that the planet can be saved," Perino said. "However, when you consider the real actions that will be needed to address the issue, there is no doubt that we are leading the world in getting the fuck off the planet either by hightailing it to Mars. Our poorer brethren will be fed a constant diet of Raptureprop whereby they are made to think they can escape the final destruction of the planet that their own gluttony and materialism destroyed and somehow God is gonna miss that fine point and choose them, the actual sinners."

Others see a different type of leadership. Alden Meyer, strategy and policy director for the Union of Concerned Scientists, said the Cheney administration arrived in Montreal "determined to prevent the rest of the world from extending and deepening their commitments under Kyoto."

"They have no interest in saving the planet. Their plan is to use taxpayer money to colonize Mars. And their religious faith, that relies on a time-table of 6000 thousand years compresses the time needed to terra- form the Angry Red Planet and build their space arks to get there to nanoseconds. Like everything else in their religion its just a matter of stealing the money cause you can bet your wing-tipped space galoshes they ain't fuckin' gonna spend theirs," said science fiction writer Isaac Beelzebub.

The administration failed, Meyer added, because Europe, Canada, Russia and Japan "understand that mandatory limits on global warming pollution, combined with market-based emissions trading mechanisms, are essential. ... The Cheney approach of relying solely on voluntary efforts and long-term R&D is a canard, smokescreen until they can get off the planet that they destroyed."

Only in the final hours of the Montreal talks, when for the umpteenth time the 250 Accord countries refused to be extorted and pay for the U.S. kleptocracy's ticket to Mars, did the U.S. delegation, led by State Department and White House officials, accept a weaker agreement to join a preliminary discussion on future steps to leave the planet using U.S. taxpayer money. The signatories to the Kyoto Accord also refused to help defray cost to promote the notion of the Rapture saying Americans were ignorant and self-absorbed enough to buy that shit without much propagandizing. "Christ, those fuckers don't even know when they're in somebody else's country. They'll just wake up one day and think their whole goddamn world was taken up in The Rapture rather than abandon the delusion," added Beelzebub.

The Cheney administration should be committed but instead it agreed to slow down the growth rate of those gases when that could be made profitable, not reversing the trend. But the United States was included in the talks because it is among 189 nations that signed onto a 1992 agreement, negotiated under the first President Bush, that set voluntary goals for cutting greenhouse emissions that it never intended to adhere to and never did. The 1997 Kyoto Protocol grew out of the 1992 agreement, so why fuckin' go through the motions when there's oil to steal and business associates to gun down. As Tom Delay said, "Wait til it starts interfering with our fun. Then we'll step up."

The Montreal meeting was not the warmest climate conference to be held since that 1997 accord took effect last February, mandating cuts in gases in 35 industrialized countries and evangelical geologist Gumbo Wick cited the cool temperatures as a sign of God's infinite mercy and making the extraction of oil from shale a difficult and expensive process part of the growing field of Incompetent Design. Faux President Bush was told to reject the Protocol in 2001 so he wouldn't have to try and read it. He was told to say that mandatory energy cuts would harm the U.S. economy and major developing countries also should be covered because "we sold the fuckers all of our old pollution generating technology."

Perino said the White House has reached voluntary, market-related climate agreements with nations that represent 80 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions that are not binding and will not be adhered to. That includes a U.S. plan to encourage global trading in methane, which accounts for 16 percent of global greenhouse emissions and blame the country that trades for the shit for the problem.

"The goal is not to work together on developing clean energy technologies but to say we want to," Perino said. "If you're going first class, you got Mars. If you're going coach, you got The Rapture."


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