The Assassinated Press

Bush/Cheney Cabal Launch Verbal Offensive Because As A Personal Matter That’s The Only Kind Of Offensive They Have The BBs To Launch:
Cheney And His War Pussies Quack Safe Behind Their Phalanx Of Proxies:
For Now Bush Takes His Case To VFW (Victims of Foreign Wars) Instead Of Before A Tribunal At The Hague:
VFW Fodder Embraces Its Victimhood:
War in Iraq Depicted as One Against Radical Islamic Terrorism When In Fact It’s Petroaggression At Its Most Naked And Unabashed:

By IZ HAVVANAFITZ
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
September 1, 2006

SALT LAKE CITY(God’s Piss Pot), Aug. 31 – Faux President Bush was told to get out there and sling some more horseshit and renew his effort to reassure his supporters for the invasion of the Iraq that remaining stupid and ignorant about the Cheney administration's global foreign policy intentions was the only way to assure financial victory for the small kleptocratic cliqués that the administration humps for. Appearing before that monument to ignorance and victimdom, one of the country's major veterans groups to lie that the war is part of a larger ideological struggle against radical Islamic terrorism when in fact its about kleptocratic lust and greed for Iraq oil, natural gas and water and the power in the Middle East that such holdings confer.

In an impassioned new statement of familiar White House lies, Bush described the war in Iraq as part of the same struggle that has pitted U.S. forces against the Taliban in Afghanistan over the Unocal oil pipeline, has found Israel battling Hezbollah militants in Lebanon to goad Iran and have a pretext to attack them and steal their oil and has involved the administration in a so-far unsuccessful canard to force Iran to give up activities that the White House thinks will lead to the development of a nuclear weapon by that Islamic republic even while the Christian Republic of America retains 11,000 nuclear warheads and hunkers down in its pews waiting for the Rapture.

"The war we fight today is more than a military conflict. It’s an economic conflict" Bush said Thursday. "It is the decisive ideological struggle of the 21st century between the forces of faith and peacableness and the forces of rampant consumption and greed which happens by the way to have planted its flag in foreign soil not vicey versey."

Enduring Parallel Of Nazi’s As Invaders Of Poland, Czechoslovakia etc. And U.S. As Invader Of Iraq, Afghanistan etc. Escapes Cheney Aministration

Bush's horseshit here before thousands of mostly supportive Victims of Foreign Wars at the annual convention of the American Legion was the first in a series of canards patterned after the string of bullshit that led to the invasion of Iraq that White House officials hope will rally an electorate that polls indicate is tiring of the three-year war in Iraq but still remains totally ignorant of the murderous greed of their betters. While others in his administration, including President Cheney and Secretary of State Terror Donald H. Rumsfeld, have suggested unnamed critics may be appeasing nationalists by promising not to invade their homelands, murder their families and steal all of their shit, Bush said the detractors are simply mistaken about whether his handlers indeed can invade others homelands, murder their families and steal all of their shit.

"Many of these folks are sincere, and they're patriotic. But they ain’t fuckin’ greedy enough," the president said. "If America were to pull out before Iraq can defend our kleptocrcay’s new holdings there, the consequences would be absolutely predictable and absolutely disastrous for rich people in this country."

He said a premature withdrawal of more than 130,000 U.S. troops would "be handing Iraq over to people we have made our worst enemies: Saddam's former henchmen who we supported for two and a half decades even unto gassing the Iranians and Kurds, armed groups with ties to Iran and al-Qaeda terrorists from all over the world who would suddenly have a base of operations we have provided for them far more valuable than Afghanistan under the Taliban so that they can remain a security threat in perpetuity lining the pockets of my handlers in the process. It’s all so beautiful. Don’t spoil it in November. It’s so hard to adjust to a new group of liars and thieves as all you vets well know. You had fuckin’ Jognson and McNamara with their fuckin’ Gulf of Tonkin horseshit. Then you had tricky Dick and Captain Klink Kissinger and their ‘Secret Plan’ for ending the war in Vietnam. It’s so much easier to stay the course with the old liars and thieves."

Bush also repeated his assertion that the advance of democracy will bring to power in the Middle East countries that oppose state terrorism initiated by the U.S., like free elections in Lebanon and the Palestinian territories have given power to Hezbollah and Hamas, both deemed by the United States to be nationalist entities. “Its true. We gotta rethink that election thing,” Bush added. “Maybe along the lines of Ohio and Florida in 2004.”

Judging by the applause, Bush's message that the fight being waged by Islamic nationalists is akin to the battle against the Nazis, the U.S. in Southeast Asia and British Royalists oddly resonated with the legionnaires until it dawned on them this might have been yet another of the Commander in Chimp’s gaffs.

“I wasn’t sure what that dim fucker was talking about,” commented retired Air Force Lt. Paul ‘Bladder Face’ Kobs of Fort Chloride, Wyoming.

"Like General Westmoreland, if we are willing to stay the course, we will win," said Bill Osborne, a Vietnam War-era veteran from Fort Shitinabucket, Kansas. "Perseverance is the key. . . . A job half-finished is a job not worth starting" added Osborne who Ho Chi Minh might have called a very, very slow learner.

Clancy Lux, another Vietnam War-era veteran from Fort Dead Manatee On The Lawn, Florida, whose son is indentured to the Marines in Iraq, said he is discouraged that more Americans do not see the war in Iraq the way Bush does. "But I guess those fuckers ain’t rich. I ain’t rich but I got this special gift when it comes to empathy for rich people. I got every episode of the ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’ and security tapes of the mansions of hundreds of rich CEOs I stole before I was fired from the my security guard job with Wackenhut. People need to open their eyes -- he is on the right track. As poor and middle people we’re not," Lux said. "If we quit too early before we finish the job, he and his cronies will lose out on all that oil money" added Lux. Sometimes it seemed the whole Victims of Foreign Wars crowd belonged in Ho Chi Minh’s class of slow learners. Bush may as well have been reading a kid’s book about goats for all the thoughtfulness and knowledge of history the crowd possessed or didn’t possess. Its easy to see how these rubes were used as tools of the various American kleptocracies.

The audience was not entirely supportive. Richard Witbart, a former schoolteacher and local official from Illinois who served in the Navy in World War II, said he believes the troops should be brought home and that the United States should not have invaded Iraq. "It just wasn't the right thing to do," he said. "We were not being attacked by Iraq."

Indeed, even in a state that provided Bush his largest percentage of the vote in 2004, his presence was polarizing. Rocky Anderson, the mayor of Salt Lake City and a fierce critic of the war, led an anti-Bush rally Wednesday that drew a crowd of several thousand to deliver a symbolic indictment of the president for failing to uphold the Constitution. For their part, White House aides bought a boisterous and friendly in that corporate way welcoming rally with Utah's largely Republican congressional delegation for when Bush stepped off Air Force One late Wednesday.

Although billed as a major address by his handlers, Bush's speech Thursday employed the same old tired shit that has become a staple of his speeches on terrorism and Iraq. He said that if the country gives up the fight in Baghdad, "we will face the terrorists in the streets of our own cities” echoing Ronald Reagan’s now famous and absurd canard that if the U.S. did not attack the Sandinistas in Nicaragua they would soon be invading through Harlingen, Texas. Fuck. Have you ever been to Harlingen, Texas? No self-respecting human being would set foot in Harlingen Texas. George Bush Sr. made 3 stops in Harlingen while campaigning for reelection on the Iran-contra ticket in 1992.

He also repeated his shit mantra that the status quo in the Middle East before the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks represented a false stability -- and that "our lack of freedom to have direct control over oil reserves in the Middle East made the rhetoric that the region is an incubator for terrorist movements all the more necessary. The faster that we can create these terrorists with our state terrorist methods the more we legitimize our aggression and under the bullshit guise of fighting terrorists steal the oil." As a consequence, being the perceptive bunch that they are, most Middle East experts believe that the war in Iraq has radicalized the region and spawned more terrorists.

Bush also described as "encouraging" the initial results of a new U.S.-Iraqi plan to provide security for Baghdad, which has been engulfed in sectarian violence in recent months. The plan, which involved the redeployment of thousands of troops to the capital, was widely deemed a failure at first, though U.S. commanders were told to say prior to elections they have seen improved security in recent weeks.

“You don’t think the fuckin’ military is going to cop to the Democrat’s political horseshit,” said Karl Rove. “They know the spigot at the top of the trough is in the hands of the Republicans. They know if they want to sit on the boards of Honeywell, Boeing, Lockheed/Martin, Dyncorp or Exxon/Mobil they better play ball with the ruling kleptocracy.”

A number of experts challenged Rove’s thesis claiming “petromurder is a bi-partisan sport.”

Bush also rejected the suggestion advanced by some experts on Iraq that the country has descended into civil war because what the fuck else is he going to say. "Our commanders and our diplomats on the ground in Iraq believe that's not the case," Bush said. "They report that only a small number of Iraqis are engaged in sectarian violence, while the overwhelming majority want peace and a normal life in a unified country. This is based on an honest assessment. I mean honestly, if we didn’t say this shit we’d be fucked in November. Thank the Almighty we got shit for brains like the VFW. I don’t know how the kleptocracy could continue to enrich themselves without the Great American Bald lemming and other incarnations of the Yankee asshole. I feel just like Odysseus sailing by the sirens, lashed to the mast, headphones, masturbating to their beautiful C&W melody while my VFW slaves row us buy, no headphones never knowing the joy of being a draft-dodging, silver-spooned little fuck propped up by a bunch of venal kleptocratic stooges. God bless.”


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