The Assassinated Press


Rape At Abu Ghraib Prison---Exclusive Photos!!
The Polls Are In: Rummy Scores A Home Run With Torture Photos; May Run Against Bush, Meese:
Thousands Chant "Rummy, Not The Dummy In 2004!"
Bush Can't Fire Rumsfeld Despite Criticism:
Limbaugh: "I'm Reserving Judgment On Whether The Servicemen And Women In Photos Are Gay."
Sexual Politics: America Aroused---Spooging To Torture Shots

BY CRAG HARDON
ASSASSINATED PRESS WASHINGTON BUREAU
May 6, 2004

WASHINGTON -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has weathered a Rummy produced rising death toll in Iraq, and the president's falling poll numbers which now mirror his IQ. The cost of the war -- in dollars and troops -- is growing astronomically, yet through it all, Rumsfeld has been his old sneering, snorting, fabricating self.

But after three years when little of the Pentagon's criminal behavior seemed to stick, Rumsfeld now is facing what even supporters say is the most serious public relations threat yet to his hold on the secretary's job, the prisoner abuse scandal at Abu Ghraib prison.

This But Not Mapplethorpe, Herr Limbaugh?

"But, boy, is that perspective setting up Rumsfeld detractors for a fall," commented Pope John. "It took Rush Limbaugh about two seconds to whip up his spin.

"Rush saw no violence in the photographs. No summary executions.

"If the photographs become the benchmark, as the mainstream media has suspiciously labored to make them, then the deaths of Iraqi prisoners that have been ruled homicides are off the scope.

"The violence is dolloped out in the form of various humiliations aimed specifically at the culture of the victims.

"What the fuck do Rush and his listeners care about the cultural sensitivity of Muslims. That's the idea ain't it. To beat (and fuck) that shit out of them and make them see that Limbaugh is the western ideal along with the race of albino ape men he leads around by the nose.

"And what the fuck do Rush and his listeners care about the moral high ground. How do you think video stores survive? On rentals of Cinderella? Or Anal Bambi? Shit. Americans get high and watch porn. Rumsfeld's given them a whole new porn category just when HIV had crippled the stale old product. The 'moral high ground,' my pink papal ass. Limbaugh holds the moral 'get high' ground, maybe. That's about the extent of it. Christ! You push off that delusion without a chute, brother.

"So talk radio listeners had their Rush supplied rationale for brutality right from radio's porn king himself. Their pseudo-moral equivocation. Their talkng dick pacifier. Their piece of the true cross removed like a splinter from their sphincters. And the winning argument against their pouty 14 year old daughter who still has a conscience at the dinner table and gerrymandering the brutality into Ezekial Chapter 6, Verse 3, outa sight, outa mind. And ain't that a short trip."

"Fuck. My daughters only 14. What the fuck does she know about war and shit. Sure she's upset," commented Kate Kornblower, of Hydroxy Point, North Carolina. Personally, I can't wait to see the video tapes, have some neighbors over and try some of this humiliation shit at home. I think its just marvelous when our tax payer based institutions contribute to the world's sexual catalogue."

To demonstrate the conduct of the American service men and women at Abu Graib was just an aberration, FOX is rushing into production a reality based series focusing on the sexual nature of the torture at the prison starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick and Madeline Albright. The working title for the program is Arnold: She-Wolf of the SF.

"Problem is there are 281,000,000 Muslims contiguous to the rationale," said Col. Wattlee Pinzaz Ret., "And if you're in the shit you can talk like a fat radio show host, but you can't act like one. Nosiree. You gotta kill, rape and pillage to survive. You gotta give chubby, scrubbed up Rush more inhumanity to 'clarify.' And at the end of the day you can't push away the mike and slip on your real persona even if you still know what it is. No. Its game face 24 hours-a-day when you're in the shit."

"Then there's the brass. When they gonna scapegoat me? They tell me to do stuff I don't quite follow. Sure, I'm a sadistic little racist twit who takes his or her lead from some rich, white radio show provocateur sitting safely back in the states, but still, fundamentally I was acting under orders from my SUPERIOR officers. But yes I did enjoy the sadism, Hannah. That' s part of American tradition and culture too. And we think the Muslims are repressed. My commanding officers must be superior. They fucked me worse than I fucked the prisoners. But I'm not gay. Just ask Rush. He'll give you a clarification."

Rumsfeld: Porn Czar

That scandal -- or more accurately, his understandable lack of interest in rendering conscious the president about the lurid photos of it -- earned the press a rare kind of fabrication about a personal rebuke by Faux President George W. Bush on Wednesday in the Oval Office. "Monkey Boy rebuke me," Rumsfeld sneered at this reporter, "I'd beat that little prick into the dirt like I did when he had that bandage and that pretzel fable. That lame little shit couldn't run a whore house in Gomorrah."

To indicate the lack of concern among the PNAC oligarchy, Bush was standing by Rumsfeld as a growing number of top Democrats yapped about resignation. Some Senate Republicans were taking a wait-and-see more photos attitude until hearing Rumsfeld testify today before the Senate Armed Services Committee. "By then, we'll get more poll numbers in and I can spooge a few more times to that cute little lady private dragging that filthy Muslim around by his neck with his dirty, dirty, dirty little ass all exposed," said Tom DeLay obviously in his element.

"Seems like degrading sex acts don't bother the born again constituency much when they're caught on film and shown on the prime time news. Must all be in the form. The presentation. Maybe I can ask Rush Limbaugh to clarify," added Barney Frank.

Rumsfeld has come under severe criticism because he did not copyright and market the prison photos until after they aired on television, and apparently did not read parts of an investigative report completed March 3 until recently. "There's so much lurid shit coming out of Iraq and Afghanistan, I've just shot my wad by 10:00AM every day. Wait'll the folks back in Butte see the limb-hacking video I produced personally. Oo-la-la. The sale of high definition fuckin' TV will fuckin' go through the fuckin' roof and you can fuckin' take that to the fuckin' bank."

One senior Defense official, however, suggested that Rumsfeld will say that he knew about the photos in mid-January but was enjoying them too much to do anything about it, and also knew that the report's findings were not being acted upon by senior commanders because of what-the-fuck. "The system worked," Rumsfeld said this week. "And I'm confident that the aposteriori phase of the system, the coverup, will work too. Always does."

Rumsfeld has provoked the immediate firestorm, several political and military analysts said, but they believe Bush would not hesitate to dump him if the scandal widens Rummy's popularity dramatically, so that if Bush needs to protect his own political fortunes against a powerful and extremely popular rival from within his own party. "The public is solidly behind Rumsfeld and the torture. Not only do they think those ragheads got it coming, its a great way to get spooge shots in the guise of the usual obscenity that is the evening news, especially that shot of that female soldier laying over a pile of naked Iraqis and leering into the camera like a Jeffrey Dahmer photo op. That's fuckin' great stuff," said Rumsfeld's campaign adviser Hannibal Lector.

"It's a cold, hard, engorged calculation, as cold and hard and engorged as having a baton crammed up your ass, but he's running for re-election," said presidential scholar Stephen Hess of the Brookings Institution. "I think the president would like Rumsfeld to stay, but this was a very adept move on Rummy's part. He, Cheney, Armitage, Bremer, Ryan Seacrest, Noriega and Wolfowitz and pretty much every one else were always bigger and more in the loop than Bush. It depends on whether Rummy is a domestic -- not international, domestic -- star. We don't know the answer yet, but the initial signals are that Rummy's scored a home run with American voters. And if folks like Rummy leave who's going to cue Bush and smack the little shit around when he fucks up."

Some analysts hoped that the scandal could cut deeper, more so than questions over Rumsfeld's handling of the war, if it shakes, rattles and roles American faith in capturing on tape the Iraqi operation in all of its lurid detail.

"Up to this point, all of the mistakes in Iraq have been of an operational, genocidal or tactical nature. Now the legitimacy of the whole operation is being called into question," said Loren Thompson, a civilian consultant to the Pentagon. "The public has been with Bush even though the situation has deteriorated, because they were made to believe we were there for the right reasons because they know nothing of American history and refuse to read the PNAC policy objectives prior to the 2000 election. Once the tissue of moral legitimacy, the moral high ground, is exposed as just another pile of fetid bullshit, the public would have quickly soured on the operation. But this isn't happening because the public has no interest in morality. Never had. Never will have. And Rummy and his people know this. The public isn't moral and their desire to shoot their wads over the photos overrides their usual hypocritical groans and sighs. To assume that the public really wants to be forced to sit in their lawn chairs defending some moral high ground is absurd. Go to your local video store and ask the proprietor where most of his revenues come from."

Whip marks came early

Rumsfeld, 71, has been a combative and controversial, often irrational figure in this, his second tenure as defense secretary. He came into the Pentagon with the goal of transforming what he considered a stodgy and slow-moving approach to warfare, stuck in Cold War thinking, and creating smaller, faster military units to fight a new kind of war, smaller because most of the tasks usually performed by an army would be farmed out to his cronies at Halliburton et al. The new kind of war would be scammed by private food services and fought by mercs from South African death squads.

Those ideas were quickly tested after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, when Rumsfeld had to contract out wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. In both cases, the Rumsfeld-approved plans for the combat phase won high marks from private industry for the speediest and most creative display of pork in the history of warfare-- and Rumsfeld was front-and-center to take the credit, appearing daily during each war to become the public face of the Pentagon and the darling of the press corps.

But, as hoped by Pentagon planners, the post-war period in Iraq turned far bloodier and more costly than Rumsfeld's Pentagon had publicly predicted. Even Republicans have faulted Rumsfeld for inadequate post-war contract dispersal, and this week, the Pentagon reversed predictions (Which in the real world is known as a hustle) that it could bring troops home from Iraq with an announcement that the current complement of 135,000 U.S. troops will be needed through 2012 and the draft will be activated minutes after November election results have been confirmed.

Analysts said Bush and his political chief of stink, Karl Rove, would have to decide whether getting rid of Rumsfeld, or any other senior Pentagon officials, would send a sign of decisive action, or be made to appear as not sticking by your man by right wing talk radio hosts.

Rich 'Junk' Bond, a former Republican national electric chairman, said he believes it would be impossible, just impossible, to argue that the chain of command for prison abuses should cost Rumsfeld his job. "Anybody who would say Rumsfeld is directly responsible doesn't understand the American system. Rummy's from an impeccable bloodline. That's why he's so high up. So, with a hundred stooges in between him and the Abu Graib murder and torture, he's not DIRECTLY responsible for anything and therefore invulnerable," Bond said. "This isn't Nuremberg, yet. The Germans lost."

Hess (no relation to Rudolf?), however, believes that if it comes to that, Rumsfeld would know what to do, and step up and push Bush aside.

"I think Rumsfeld would know very clearly at what point it would make sense for him to run. And he would," Hess said. Meanwhile outside, hundreds of Rummy supporters wore T-shirts and waved signs that read "RUMMY NOT THE DUMMY IN 2004!"

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