The Assassinated Press

My Delusions WILL Get You Killed; Why I Want You To Stay in Iraq:
Even After 9/11, Iraq Lies, Katrina, Americans Still Have Little Appreciation Of The Sinister Nature Of Their Ruling Kleptocracy:
Cheney, Halliburton Blew Up Louisiana Flood Walls, Get Contracts To Rebuild Them As Well As Dwellings, Nearby Bases, OIL INSTALLATIONS; Assign Former FEMA Director Allbaug To Run Show; Snipers Hired To Foil Army Corps; Present Head Of FEMA Brown Confirms Breaching Of Flood Walls After Storm Was Over, Bizarre:
The American Entrepreneurial Spirit Thrives: Its Oil Futures On Wall Street And TV Futures In New Orleans; Neither Require the Looter To Put Up A Cent Of His Own Money, Both Exploit Misery & Death, One In Iraq, The Other In New Orleans, Both Promise Big Returns By Capitalizing On That Misery And Death; Or "In a regime of grand larceny, petty larceny ranks as conformity."
As In Iraq, Troops Used As Junk Yard Dogs To Protect Property That Cheney Kleptocracy Plans To Seize Through Eminent Domain:
The States' Rights Administration All Too Happy To [S]Pin The Blame On State And Local Authorities For Katrina Evacuation, Aftermath, After Cutting, Stealing Funds:
Cuba Offers 11,000 Doctors And Emergency Medical Supplies But Administration Refuses Help In Their Eagerness To Demonstrate That Their Domestic Policy Conforms To Their Foreign Policy Toward The Poor And Minorities:
Adminstration Neglect Of New Orleans, Like Neglect After Blitzkrieg Into Baghdad, Is Meant To Send A Message:
White House Chief Of Stink Rove: We Had A Big Broo-ha Over Freud's Psychoanalysis, But Where's The Big Broo-ha Over His Nephew Edward Bernays' Anti-Democratic, Truth Obliterating Public Relations Or As Kung Cautioned "Have No Twisty Thoughts."

By VICTOR E. ATHANDJIZZ & COL. HAIRY NOODLE
Military Histerians To The Assassinated Press
Sunday, September 4, 2005

Vietnam, like its smell of napalm in the morning which I've never experienced but I'm certain I'd love if I did, is once again in the air. Last month's antiwar demonstrations in Crawford, Tex., have been heralded as the beginning of an antiwar movement that will take to the streets like the one of 30 years ago. Influential pundits -- in the manner of a correct but gloomy Walter Cronkite after the Tet offensive -- are assuring us of the obvious, that we can't win in Iraq surrounded by 300,000,000 Muslims and that we have no option but a summary withdrawal capped by a last minute Frank Snepp-like helicopter escape from the roof of the Saigon/Baghdad embassy a scenario we've witnessed repeated hundreds of times this week in the wake of Katrina as the kleptocracy and their whores in the sciences attempt to defy nature to enrich themselves and salvage the ideological perspective of being blinded by the Enlightenment. We may even have a new McGovern-style presidential "peace" candidate in Wisconsin Sen. Russ Feingold who if his campaign gains momentum will be smeared by Edward Bernays' disciple Karl Rove or go down in a small plane on the eve of his nomination while Americans scratch their heads over the unerring consistency of chance and the ability of models to predict everything except the habitual criminal behavior of the rich and powerful.

America's most contentious war is being freely evoked to explain the "quagmire" we are now in surrounded like a mega-Custer in the heart of the Middle East with a religion and culture we have murdered and exploited for its oil for a hundred years and ridiculed in everything from our foreign policy to our stand up comics. Vietnam is an obvious comparison given the frustration of asymmetrical warfare and savage enemies who escape our conventional power as well as their determined nationalism. But make no mistake, Iraq is not like Vietnam. There's no jungle, no cheap coochie, no MACV making up body counts, CIA supplied heroin is in short supply etc. But despite that, I'm here to prolong the inevitability for you, ground grunt, who must remain in Iraq for the sake of my war profiteering sponsors by saying, rhetorically, it must not end like Vietnam, yet. It must not end like Vietnam because there's oil in them thar sand dunes as Dick Cheney has said "So close, yet so close." Despite our strategic lapses, leaving now would be a monumental mistake -- and one that the kleptocracy would all too soon boil over in anger about and fuck you GI's up back here at home just out of spite. Oh, by the way. Did I mention that one similarity is that my sponsors are the same war profiteers who made a killing on Vietnam and South-East Asia and were flagging after the canard of the Cold War made amplified ever so slightly their snorting at the trough until Europe and the U.S. dreamt up bombing Yugoslavia by incrementally destabilizing the region beginning with Germany acknowledging Croatia as a separate state in exchange for contracts with corrupt officials there. Also, the unarmed Humvee is the new equivalent of the M16. Though I don't know why the boys in Iraq are whining about armor. The boys in Vietnam didn't have no stinking armor and they'll defend a heartless shit like me while being merciless toward a bulimic actress turned exercise guru like Jane Fonda though I suspect they are hostile toward Fonda because the vets are afraid of the people who prop me up as well they should be because I'll fuck 'em up for a quarter.

I'm Not A Historian, But I Play One At The Hoover Institution

If we fled precipitously, corrupt 'moderates' in the Middle East like Saddam Hussein who we supported for years and green-lighted into Kuwait, could not now act on American assurances that they will not be hanged as the traitors that they clearly are -- or, as I would like to put it in another spasm of disconnected hyperbole, find themselves at the mercy of fascist killers who just happened to drive off the invader and attacked no one unless you want to count the aforementioned Kuwait or Iran, both instances having our support and blessing even unto gassing the Iranians. In my fevered mind Jihadists would swell their ranks as they hyped their defeat of the American infidels rather than go back to their normal lives when the threat was driven out as the Vietnamese did and people have done since time immemorial including people in the Middle East. Our forward strategy of hitting terrorists hard abroad would be discredited for the lie it is after our shameful bullshit of WMD and a connection between Iraq and al-Qaeda, and replaced by a return to the far less lucrative pre-9/11 tactics of a few cruise missiles and writs. And loyal allies in Eastern Europe, the United Kingdom, Australia and Japan, along with new friends in India and the former Soviet republics, would find themselves threatless in the global attack on Islam so their kleptocracies in turn couldn't buy $5000 hookers at the Metropol and their children couldn't speedball the world's purest heroin realizing the enormity of the existence of daddy over at Citigroup, Lukoil, Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil, Bechtel or the Executive Office Building.

The specter of Vietnam will also turn on those who embrace it. Iraq is not a surrogate theater of the Cold War, where national liberationists, fueled by the romance of radical egalitarianism, a romance that put them in field for 50 years, are, in my imagination fortified, by nearby Marxist nuclear patrons by which I mean the Russians but what do Americans know about geography. Its a much larger theater like the difference between a Brecht repertoire theater and the New Orleans Superdome. The jihadists have an 8th-century agenda of gender apartheid, religious intolerance and theocracy which when it is that old and traditional used to be called a culture which enlightened liars like myself have done their best to wipe off the planet Vietnam included which like all cultures including those of the Middle East bears no relationship to myopic and hegemonic black and white caricatures of whores for hire like me. For all its pyrotechnics, the call for a glorious return to the Dark Ages, a European invention which I am ad hoc imposing on another part of the world in true imperialist fashion, has found no broad constituency in Chicago even as I tacitly admit its existence in Vietnam though at the time of our invasion of that small country I did my fuckin' best to deny it.

Nor is our army in Iraq conscript, but volunteer, professional and because of the expense of forcing your own underclass into a mercenary army, way too fuckin' small. The Iraqi constitutional debate is already light-years ahead of reality and in that sense anything that emerged in Saigon. And there is an exit strategy, not mission creep like WMD, Iraq/al-Qaeda connection/yellow cake/free Iraq/keep insurgency from oil. There simply is no way to admit the mission which is to steal the oil for the American kleptocracy as clearly seen in the ripping up of contracts that France, Germany, Russia and China had with Iraq for crude oil and natural gas and preventing Iraq's currency from being tied to the euro instead of the dollar which saved and made billions for the people that Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld answer to. The administration will consider withdrawal as the evolution to a legitimate government in Baghdad continues and the Iraqi security forces grow only to crumble soon after like the Saigon government from exactly the same kind of corruption minutes after the American junk yard dogs leave.

But the comparison to Vietnam may be instructive regarding another aspect -- the aftershocks of a financially premature American departure. I still cling to the Domino Effect though in an ambiguous sort of all-purpose even more bullshit way if you can imagine that, which is why I can write leaving Vietnam to the communists did not make anyone safer. The U.S. was still a belligerent, consumption crazed giant. The flight of the mid-1970s energized U.S. victims of American hegemony and the U.S. trained Shahist SAVAK in Iran, Cambodia where the Khmer Rouge took advantage of out 'Secret' and futile bombing campaigns to overrun the country until being driven back by the very Vietnamese that we sought to exterminate, Afghanistan where we, meaning the rich white kleptocracy, supported "8th Century feudal" tribal leaders against social and gender progressive Soviet supported regimes simply because they were Soviet supported all the while arming and training the guerrilla movement that kills the impoverished Americans that are forced by economic circumstance to sign up for the all-volunteer merc force that now fights there, and Central America, where we organized death squads and attacked tiny Nicaragua to maintain the kleptocratic order for cheap imports and even cheaper labor, while nearly tearing our own country apart in a Dr. Phil blather from a quarter of a million self-absorbed nuts worthy of the BTK killer for nearly a quarter-century. Today, most Americans are indeed very troubled over the war in Iraq -- but mostly they better be angry about not winning quickly, rather than resigned to losing amid recriminations and not be concerned about the criminal nature of their ruling kleptocracy especially now that they have witnessed first hand how that kleptocracy is willing to let them die like dogs in New Orleans even without the nationalistic patina of combat that those deathly afraid of the rich fall back on in a desperate self-destructive spiral of Rush Limbaugh 'the road not taken' excuses.

Let me make a specious analogy. We forget that once war breaks out, things usually get far worse before they get better even though George Bush declared the end of combat years ago In Iraq which just goes to show he doesn't know his head from his ass anymore than I do. As way of ignoring the facts at hand, we should remember that 1943, after we had entered World War II, was a far bloodier year than 1938, when the world left Hitler alone. See how subtle-like I snuck in the empty comparison of Hitler to Saddam Hussein when Hussein was not a threat to his neighbors and the U.S. ala Hitler given its aggression and need for natural resources is a threat to everybody and too many like Korea, Vietnam, Chile, Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, Haiti, Nicaragua, Cuba, Venezuela, Libya, Lebanon, Palestine, Yugoslavia, Zimbabwe, Grenada a shitload more than just a threat. Similarly, 2005 may have brought more open violence in Iraq than was visible during Saddam's less publicized killings of 2002 and the earlier ones which had our blessing as well as our expertise. So it is when extremists are confronted rather than appeased. But who can confront us. Unlike the time before the invasion, when we patrolled Iraq's skies while we set it up so Saddam could butcher his own with impunity below so that Turkey could be appeased about the Kurds and the Shi'ites in the south could not become part of Iran, there is now a hopeful future for Iraq. Soon, they will kick our asses out like the Vietnamese and mooks like me will blame Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan because, shit, I'm not going to give up my comfort for anything resembling the truth, or history for that matter.

It is true that foreign terrorists, like the Indian tribes that aided the Sioux, are flocking into the country, the way they earlier crossed the Pakistani border into Afghanistan to fight with the Taliban, and that this makes the short-term task of staying alive for those poor enough and dumb enough to be physically trapped over there far more difficult. But again, just as there were more Nazis and fascists out in the open in 1941 than before the war, so were most of them living in Ohio and upper New York State under the protection of our OSS/CIA and State Department by 1946 unless they bombed London at which point we made them head of NASA. Not wanting to sound too much like McGeorge Bundy or Robert McNamara hear but finding it unavoidable, if we continue to defeat the Pan-Arabists in Iraq -- and the oft told story of this war as well as Vietnam is that the U.S. military has performed brilliantly in killing and jailing tens of thousands of them -- our cause will God willing finally be discredited and exposed for the oil grab that it is by the stick of military defeat and the carrot of political freedom from U.S. interference.

All this is wishful thinking. The United States has an impressive record of the military tautology of destruction/reconstruction which has proved so lucrative for so few and undermining democracies we didn't like like Chile and Venezuela following the mindless slaughter of those who would withhold their wealth from us and attempt to maintain their sovereignty and dignity -- vs. the abject chaos we create for the benefit of a few wealthy corporations and their majority shareholders using the American asshole in ruthless ways to do our ruthless dirty work.

Scurrying back to my earlier empty analogy, after World War II, Germany, Italy and Japan (American troops are still posted in all three) proved to be success stories. In contrast, an unstable post-WWI Weimar Germany soon led to something worse than Kaiser Wilhelm. It would be impolitic to mention that Vietnam is doing quite well without our occupation despite our best efforts to crush them through international sanctions like the sore losers the kleptocracy are.

After the Korean War, South Korea, with all the arable land, huge aid packages from the U.S., access to capital through U.S. lending institutions, and the presence of 37,000 American forces buying Asian coochie and CIA heroin and still here to that day, survived and evolved. South Vietnam, by contrast, ended up with a responsive government, as opposed to a succession of corrupt Washington puppets whose public pronouncements were taken verbatim from the luncheon humor of Marie Antoinette, while the world watched the best of Edward Bernays Public Relations as propaganda as the unfolding farce of the boat people, reeducation camps where crimes against the poor were introduced to those who caused the suffering and a Southeast Asian holocaust that French colonialism laid the groundwork for but to which the U.S. brought the jellied gasoline.

Present-day Kabul on paper has the most enlightened constitution in the Middle East yet President Karzai cannot leave his compound because every man woman and child in the country knows he is a CIA stooge and must relate to him through that prism of control while the vaunted constitution might as well be ground into toilet paper as regards its efficacy vis as vis U.S. interests. Post-Soviet Afghanistan -- after we ceased our involvement with the mujaheddin resistance -- was an Islamic nightmare of our own creation just like we are fostering now in Iraq. I once saw a blind chimp beat Paul Wolfowitz at Go Fish.

So we fool ourselves if we think that peace is the natural order of things when there is so much shit I need to maintain my lifestyle and the lifestyle of my betters. That I might have to give up a little piece of my personal material Nirvana, 40 internet virgins or no, follows organically from the cessation of hostilities toward anyfuckin'body that's got something I want. Leave Iraq and we let the Iraqis reap our whirlwind with more tribal chaos and Islamic terrorism than in Mogadishu with its oil we coveted or Lebanon that we've fucked up in the name of Zionist security; finish the task and with the rise of a present day Ataturk instead of corrupt and criminal bastards like Ahmad Chalabi, Iyad Allawi and Jalal Talabani there would be the real chance for something like present-day Turkey if U.S. corruption and greed most notably in the form of the current Ambassador to Baghdad and former PNAC member Zalmay Khalilzad could be avoided which is not likely or even comprehensible.

I'm an American historian. And like most American historians I agree with Ronald Reagan, "Facts Are Stupid Things." Or at least very inconvenient.

Have we forgotten that Iraq before the invasion was not just another frightening Middle East autocracy like Syria or Libya that gave us trouble in our quest for world domination, but a country in shambles -- not, as some will say, because of international sanctions, but thanks to one of the worst regimes on the planet, with a U.S. supported horrific record of genocide at home and regional aggression abroad that we fostered and promoted aggressively starting with the Nixon/Kissinger administration? As the heart of the ancient caliphate, Iraq symbolized the worst aspects of pan-Arab nationalism and that is what we fuckin' loved about them. They posed the most daunting obstacle for any change in the Middle East and that cut both ways. We could go on making money with them like with the Saudi Royal family or we could find some reason to take them out like setting them up by encouraging them on their historical right to the territory known as Kuwait or invade because they were as bad as we made them. Al Qaedists and ex-Baathists alike are poised to drive us out because they have time and near infinite manpower on their side. They grasp that should a they succeed, then the era of thriving Islamic theocracies will be maintained while and fascist autocracies friendly to the U.S. elsewhere in the region will be doomed and refugee Saudi Princes will be clamoring for room service at Europe's finest hotels.

Our presence in Iraq is one of the most unprincipled efforts in a black and evil history of U.S. foreign policy. Yes, there is infighting among the Kurds, the Shiites and the Sunnis, but this is precisely the way we want it for now and because they settled into their own regions when Saddam Hussein's great-great-great-great etc. grandfather was just a glimmer in his parent's eye and "sweet crude" were Shakespearen adjectives for an Englishwoman all to willing to drop her knickers now more applicable to their Prime Minister. The United States has accidentally elevated the exploited Shiites and Kurds who they despise to equal status with the Sunnis, the former rulers they supported aligning southern Iraq with Iran and Iraqi Kurds with their brethren in Turkey angering the Turks. From our own history we know that such massive structural reform is always messy, dangerous -- and inhumane because money is at the root and only the most greedy and inhumane will like the American kleptocracy historically will use such violent aims for their own ends.

So, too, with other changes. If you're an ahistorical historian like me, it is hard to imagine that Syria would have withdrawn from Lebanon without American resolve to lose much bigger in both Afghanistan and Iraq. In fact, you can't begin to imagine how hard it is for me to imagine. Nor would either Pakistan's A.Q. Khan or Libya's Moammar Gaddafi have given up on plans to nuclearize the Middle East if we hadn't swung them the deals of a lifetime. Saddam's demise put pressure on Hosni Mubarak to entertain the possibility of democratic reform in Egypt but the 3.5 billion dollars a year will continue to go a long way to keep his opponents behind bars. If that doesn't work we will hustle them from their beds using our policy of rendition, a song sung many times by the CIA to nationalists who had the best interest of their own people at heart. These upheavals are, in the short term, controversial and volatile developments whose ultimate success hinges only on continued American soldiers continuing resolve to die in Iraq so Cheney and Halliburton can refine their newly stolen oil in refineries Halliburton intends to build on the corpses of those they murdered in New Orleans.

There is no solution to either Islamic terrorism of the sort that hit us on Sept. 11, 2001 because we will continue to fuck those people up and they will attempt to strike back, nor the sort of state fascism in Washington that caused the first Gulf War, than the Bush administration's easily caricatured effort to work for a third kleptocratic choice beyond either dictatorship or theocracy in Iraq. We know that not because of pre-9/11 neo-con pipedreams of "remaking the Middle East," but because for decades we tried almost everything else in vain -- from backing criminals in the Gulf because of this misbegotten sense that their was honor among thieves even as we fucked our friends who pumped oil and dictators in Pakistan and Egypt who promised order to our glee at the pumps and the commodity exchanges, to embracing murderous autocrats like Saddam until the ledger looked better for our usual treachery like the hit on Diem and training and loving tyrannous theocrats like the Taliban who Jesse Helms and the born-agains couldn't get enough of and still wish to emulate.

The administration must not account to the American people for the radically humanitarian sacrifices of poor Americans' lives they are making on behalf of the greed of the kleptocracy the administration serves. It must remind us that we are encouraging murderers of a sort not seen since the Waffen SS and suicide killers of Okinawa, another specious analogy not only because Japan and Germany were aggressors which is the U.S. role but also because it obscures the actions of say the Salvadoran Death Squads and Treasury Police that moral cripples like Oliver North and Elliott Abrams loved to call their own because they were and are. And we must tell Americans that in their increased level of destitution they must sign up to eat and that victory is their only option because what we got waiting for them at home is like New Orleans, shit so evil and bad, they'd rather get dismembered in Iraq than set foot back on American soil without Dick Cheney's oil.

Non Sequitor of The Year

The New York Times recently deplored the public's ignorance of American heroes in Iraq. In fact, there are thousands of them. But in their eagerness to view Iraq through the fogged lens of Vietnam, the media themselves are largely responsible for the public's shameful lack of interest. With this statement I received a $500 gift certificate to the Olive Garden for NON SEQUITOR OF THE MONTH.

A few days ago, while the networks were transfixed by Cindy Sheehan (or was it Aruba?) while I was transfixed by a large white pussey canker on my left nut I got at a recent conference of historians in Reno, the United States military, in conjunction with Iraqi forces, was driving out jihadists from Mosul -- where like in the Mekong Delta the general population declared terrorists because of the de facto free fire zone are being arrested and killed in droves. I'm so proud. Lt. Col. Orick 'The Red' Gurilla of the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, who had worked for months to create an atmosphere of mutual fear on the city's streets, was severely wounded as he led his men to clear out a terrorist hideaway, was shot by those very civilians after he indiscriminately fire at anything browner than he was that moved. The shop keeper turned instant jihadist watching his life being destroyed ala Katrina who shot him -- who falsely arrested, beaten and tortured had recently been released from Abu Ghraib -- was not killed immediately, but arrested and given medical care by U.S. surgeons because the fools still think they can extract information from him that he doesn't possess before they put one in his cranium.

Not long before he was wounded, Lt. Col. Gurilla, being the sucker of the kleptocrats, had delivered a eulogy for three of his own fallen men without once mentioning that he knows without a doubt they are in Iraq to steal the oil, so deep is the American pathology. Posted on a military Web site, it showed that he, far better than most of us, knows why America is there but won't speak about it:

"You see -- there are 26 million people in Iraq whose freedom we are fighting for, against terrorists and insurgents that want a return to power and oppression that most of them have never known , or worse, a state of fundamentalist tyranny though now I'm speaking about the Shi'ite majority so maybe it isn't exactly 26 million Iraqis who love us. actually, the Kurds hate us too because we've fucked them over several times in favor of the Sunnis, And the Sunnis are the ones Little Donnie Rumsfeld says are killing us now. Then there are the thousands of insurgents drawn from the 300,000,000 strong contiguous pool of Islam that surrounds us. So maybe I exaggerated. Maybe its more like 26 Iraqis who love us---Chalabi, Talabani, Allawi. Thugs that hope to make a lot of money whatever happens to Iraq like Halliburton in New Orleans. Some of whom we fight are international terrorists who hate the fact that in our way of life we can choose which rich kleptocratic fuck will govern us, the method in which we worship material things through capitalism best exemplified by the internet porn my people here so much depend on in this non-pay-per-coochie part of the world that we somehow desire for our own country on Sundays but not on Saturday nights another insight into how violent and fucked up we really are, and the myriad other freedoms we have because we are violent and fucked up enough to loot the world for our betters. We are fighting so that these fanatical terrorists do not enter the sacred ground of our country as we have entered and stolen theirs for a century and a half, a connection I could make but I'm too fuckin' stupid and cowed by the rich who run my life. We have to fight them in their own backyard, so that we never have to fight them in our own though it can be demonstrated say by the Vietnamese and their scourge, the export of Communism, that they have no such designs on our backyards or our backsides especially now that much of America is under 12 feet of water. Maybe, it's as Freud would say a projection. Maybe because U.S. imperial policy conflates so nicely with evangelical zeal that, one, so many evangelicals jump at the chance to murder and, two, as Giordano Bruno said several hundred years ago, 'If you don't want them to fuck with you, don't fuck with them."

Amen.


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