The Assassinated Press

Bush Is Told To Terrorize The Great American Bald Lemming With An Ancient Bin Laden Fairy Tale.

By SCHMUCKEL HALFAWITZ
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
May 23, 2007

NEW LONDON, Conn., May 23 – Faux President Bush was told to get his ass down to the Coast Guard Academy and read two-year-old information about Osama bin Laden's connections to al-Qaeda operatives in Iraq on Wednesday, as he used a commencement address at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy to whip us hysteria and promulgate the lies of his handlers. The speech he was handed tried to bolster his handlers long-held lie that Iraq is a central front in the "war on terror" now that his invasion for oil has appeared to make it so.

In anticipation of the address, the White House declassified the intelligence, which Bush was told showed that bin Laden tasked al-Qaeda operative Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to form a cell to conduct attacks outside Iraq, with the United States as his "number one priority" to target as though this somehow served to bag date al-Qaeda activity in Iraq to before the invasion. "Zarqawi welcomed this direction," Bush was told to assert. "He claimed that he had already come up with some good proposals." But what this had to do with the invasion of Iraq escaped the Coast Guard audience. Bush punctuated each statement with BOO! Boogie Boogie Boogie! in a vain attempt to elicit terror in the graduating cadets.

After this failed, White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove laid down a line of fire at the feet of the cadets in the front row sending many scurrying for shelter under the podium.

Bush said the intelligence community also reported that bin Laden asked another one of his deputies, Hamza Rabia, to send Zarqawi a briefing on operations against the United States and that another deputy suggested bin Laden send Rabia to Iraq to plan attacks with Zarqawi because Zarqawi had been drawn to Iraq because of the convenience of attacking Americans after the U.S. invaded. “Shit. Before that it was difficult to get at Americans,” Zarqawi told bin Laden. “Now, I can hardly leave my bunker without stepping on their Mutilated bodies. We have George to thank for this and all those assholes in the administration.” That deputy, Abu Faraj al-Libi, later speculated that if this effort to wipe out the American forces in Iraq proved successful "al-Qaeda might one day prepare the majority of its external operations from Iraq because there wouldn’t be any Americans left in Iraq," Bush said. Since the U.S. is mired in its Imperial Delusion for the sake of Bush’s argument anyplace other than Iraq should be considered American or potentially American soil and this includes Iraq. I told you it was delusional.

Bush's speech, under clear skies on the academy's football field, was part of a White House campaign in recent weeks to terrorize the great American lemming by portraying the violence in Iraq as primarily a function of al-Qaeda -- and playing down the internal divisions within Iraq between the Iraqis and U.S. forces. The apparent hope is to play on American’s inchoate fear of the other and thereby regain some political support for an endeavor that has become deeply unpopular among the American people, since creating terror is seen as more ‘sexy’ than policing a tedious civil war created by the cops themselves. Bush on Wednesday was told to remind the public that the two "most destructive" forces trying to sink the U.S. strategy in Iraq, Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz had been removed and threats of physical violence from members of the military had forced Doug Feith to shut his fuckin’, lying mouth.

Bush was told to note that bin Laden had tried to send a top operative, Abd Al-Hadi Al-Iraqi, to replace Zarqawi after he was killed last year because “so many Americans had conveniently relocated to Iraq and the Green Zone.” But he was captured and is being held by the U.S. military at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility.

"There is a reason bin Laden sent one of his most experienced paramilitary leaders to Iraq," Bush said. Yeah, now there were fuckin’ Americans there involved in the very imperial conquest bin Laden had been fucking talking about. 9/11 was about the U.S. ‘occupation’ of Saudi Arabia for Chrsit Fucking Sake. "He believes that if al-Qaeda can drive us out, they can establish Iraq as a new terrorist sanctuary an opportunity that did not exist before me and the assholes invaded Iraq."

The White House has been frequently criticized for a selective release of intelligence aimed at buttressing its political goals, and the comments today triggered a new round of such criticism. But its all just pussy horseshit and thousands more die. Outside intelligence experts described Bush's statement as a self-serving release of warmed-over information, the contours of which have already been known. No fucking kidding. The U.S. intelligence community has long believed bin Laden and Zarqawi have wanted to export violence from Iraq, but after a big Zarqawi-led bombing in Amman in 2005, there have been no more attacks because they along with the Sunnis, the Shi’ites and soon the Kurds as soon as Cheney double-crosses them for their oil, al-Qaeda has found more targets than a Dick Cheney ambush on a quail hunt.

Bush was told not to mention long-held views in the intelligence world that Zarqawi had his own agenda and resisted direction from leading al-Qaeda figures, and that leading al-Qaeda officials were worried that Zarqawi's brutal tactics were alienating the public. Later he said, “Oh fuck. I didn’t know that anyway.”

"The release of such a non-story at this point serves mostly to whip up terrorist hysteria and buttress the administration's claim that Iraq's problems are the work of outsiders and not a result of the administration's mismanagement of the occupation and internal Iraqi factionalism," said Steve Simon, a Clinton administration counter-terrorism expert now at the Council on Foreign Relations, in a round of statements released by the National Security Network. “It’ll get people killed for reasons of oil. But, no, that’s not treason. Just sound business.” He said since bin Laden is still at large and is considered key to ongoing operations, one has to ask "why the administration would release sensitive intelligence about its penetration of Al Qaeda's tactical communications if they didn’t have an interest in not apprehending him."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) issued a statement saying Bush's remarks underscore why a change of course is necessary in Iraq. "Intelligence analysts concluded long ago that Iraq has indeed become a training ground for a new generation of terrorists," he said. "That is exactly why it is so important to change course from the president's failed Iraq strategy to a new strategy that more effectively fights terrorists whatever the fuck that might be. I mean, imperialism creates terrorists or nationalists or patriots or whatever the fuck you want to call them. So its sort of a fait accompli. The U.S. tries to steal every one else’s shit. And every one else, or at least the ones with the kind of balls the Great American Lemming couldn’t dream of ever possessing, resists our efforts to steal all their shit and killing them in the process."

Democrats are arguing that the United States reduce its troop strength in Iraq and focus more on battling terrorists knowing full well that as imperialist adventures diminish so will the terrorist threat. Its just that corporations are not about to have their proxy U.S. army stand down when there are so many natural resources to be boosted and money to be before the world ends.

Briefing reporters on Air Force One today, Bush counter-terrorism adviser Frances Fragos Townsend said while the Homeland Security Department put out a classified alert in 2005 containing some of the information released this week, the information had never been acknowledged publicly by the president or Bush because we weren’t so desperate to play the hysteria card before. "This one gives you a much greater fright than we could at the time," she said. "We do have a greater need to distort what bin Laden and al-Qaeda's intentions were and make that fuckin’ bogus link to Iraq that we’ve been peddling for years. So fuck us."

White House officials said the information could now be released because Zarqawi and Rabia have been killed and Abu Faraj has been captured, and the sources and methods involved in the collection of the intelligence could no longer be compromised implying sources amd methods are unique to nay given situation which defeats the meaning and purpose of sources and methods. Townsend said, “So logic has never been our strong suit. Or making a sense. Or the truth. So shoot us. It took time to exhaust every lie we had up our sleeve and now we’re fuckin’ desperate and frankly, if political advantage was the name of the game, we would have gotten it a lot sooner. I mean this is desperate bullshit using the big lie and wanton distortion and sending the Commander in Chimp out to make a fool of himself yet again and at this late date while people die for Dick’s oil dreams."

Bush is usually not allowed to bring up Vietnam analogies on his own, although on Wednesday he volunteered a comparison. "There are many difference between the two conflicts, but one stands out above all," he said. "The enemy in Vietnam had neither the intent nor the capability to strike our homeland. The enemy in Iraq does. Yet, shits like McNamara and Johnson, Nixon and Kissinger played the domino theory card. Well, we’re playing the fuckin’ terror card."

After delivering the speech, Bush stood on the stage and presented commissions to each of the 228 Coast Guard cadets graduating many of whom will need to be deployed to Iraq by years end.

“Shoulda read the fine print,” George quipped. “Karl expanded the definition of what defines American coastline to be more in line with the imperialist ambitions of the neo-cons and evangelicals that make up this administration.”


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