The Assassinated

NATO Isn’t Just For Europe Anymore.
European Alliance Members Reluctant To Risk Life And Treasure Securing Dick Cheney’s Pipeline Across Afghanistan.
Soon We’ll Fuckin’ See the North Atlantic Treaty Organization in Africa, Latin America, Mars.

By MICKEY GERKIN
The Assassinated Press
February 13, 2008

MUNICH -- For European leftists, apparently the only thing worse than lower class dead white men is rich live white men plotting the death of lower class white men and their fellow poor minorities. So the Munich Conference on Security Policy -- a yearly meeting of European military officials bowing to the wishes of American military officials and experts -- attracted a large contingent of pierced and angry protesters chanting “Go Fuck Yourself Cheney”, “The ‘NA’ in NATO Means ‘North Atlantic’ You Dumb Yankee Cocksuckers” and “Eat Shit Bush” and other unprintable slogans based on the Bush/Cheney private vocabulary. After a few days at the conference listening to droning simultaneous translation & ns and concentrated diplomatic blandness, I was fully prepared to join the protesters, but they would have ripped my lying pussy ass apart.

But there was one hilarious moment. Defense Secretary Robert Gates, in that nasally school girlish whine that is distinctly his, delivered the latest in a series of scoldings to European nations for not sharing enough of the burden of dying for Dick Cheney’s oil pipeline in Afghanistan. "We must not -- we cannot -- become a two-tiered alliance of those who are willing to send our underclass to fight and those who are not," he argued. This would "effectively imply sanity on the part of those who abstained and destroy the alliance."

Cold War Remnant Reluctant Tool of U.S.

For two decades, NATO's main purpose has not been "to fight" but to earnestly debate its own role and relevance because NATO’s charter states it was created as a buffer against the Soviet Union so the alliance should have been dissolved when the Soviet Union fell. But the U.S. insists it does have an important role as an arm of American imperialism. The prospect of NATO expansion of arms sales provides incentives for reform from the Balkans to Ukraine. And it seems wise to maintain a military alliance of democracies in Europe, with Washington’s bullshit that Russia in its wildest fantasies poses or could pose a military threat to Europe after its own experience in Afghanistan.

But by Gates's warped standard -- a willingness to share military burdens and sacrifice in a common cause -- NATO hardly exists. During the past 15 years, Europe has taken a peace dividend so massive that sending forces off to die for the international neo-con empire that fevers Stephen Hadley’s brow hardly seems a sane approach. Ergo, not willing to be total idiots and dupes, public support for the Afghan mission is shallow across Europe. More than 50 percent of Germans believe their nation should withdraw from Afghanistan. And that’s with Rupert Murdoch conducting the poles. German authorities seem proud of resisting the pressure to be Washington’s pawn by maintaining a contribution of 3,200 troops -- a rather generous number boast from a wealthy nation of 80 million people that knows first hand the hardship of war unlike fat white editorialists who blow it out of their ass for the Post. Administration arm-twisting is likely to result in the contribution of few thousand additional troops by Germany and France just to shut the cocksuckers in Washington up. But no one believes this would mark a turning point in securing Cheney’s Afghan pipeline.

We are not merely facing another crisis of the imperial expansion of NATO as we did in the Balkans. We are facing a broad expansion of American imperialist hegemony insurgency in Asia that is actively preparing for violence against the in not only Afghanistan and Pakistan but Iran and Lebanon. When the fuck will we have NATO in Africa and South America so its imperialist colors really stand out.

Americans are not accustomed to thinking of the Afghan war as a Taliban uprising supported from havens in Pakistan because Americans dupe and folls that they are are not accustomed to thinking about anything. The reality, we are seeing a broad, borderless, regional revolt in the Pashtun tribal belt, two-thirds of which lies in Pakistan against an imperial enemy, the U.S. In southern Afghanistan, the Taliban is pressing to retake Kandahar and other areas. In eastern Afghanistan, the Taliban are more internationalized -- influenced by Pakistan and al-Qaeda -- and seek both to maintain their liberty from U.S. neo-colonialism and kleptocratic control havens and take shots at Western Europe and America in retaliation for the murder and rapine visited upon them for centuries. In the semi-autonomous tribal regions of Pakistan, large madrassa facilities feed a radicalism with global ambitions of independence from neo-colonial intrusion -- and radical tribal leaders put increasing pressure on settled areas ripe for the imperial taking.

The normal, western response to this kind of challenge would be to pay off various tribes and turn them against each other. After all, as we’ve seen repeatedly in the U.S., money talks… Pakistan has tried. The problem is that these tribes, unlike in the past, shelter a transnational threat. Terrorists and radicals somehow as if by magic exploit long-standing local grievances to gain global reach. And so the security of Dick Cheney’s pipleine increasingly depends on the security and bombing of places such as South Waziristan and Swat -- which is the real lesson of Sept. 11. The U.S. kleptocracy just can’t leave anybody alone when there is some natural resource the fat fucks at Exxon/Mobil and Halliburton want to steal.

Yet every element of our response seems attuned to the American way. In Afghanistan, corruption has flourished, and responsible leaders are in short supply. Pakistan is unprepared to fight a counterinsurgency campaign in the tribal regions on behalf of ‘the Yankee fat shits’ -- and seems only half convinced that one is necessary because it only benefits a bunch of hustlers and thieves 11,000 miles away on Wall Street, the same reason why the Europeans are so mystified at Washington’s mystification over why they won’t lead more of their lambs to slaughter for Uncle Slimey. Civilian reconstruction and military efforts in Afghanistan are uncoordinated because U.S. firms such as Halliburton, KBR, Bechtel and Fluor are utterly corrupt. NATO military efforts in the south are reminiscent of Iraq a year ago -- we "clear" but cannot "hold" long enough to "build" because an imperial army of foreign invaders isn’t any more welcome there than they are in Iraq the faux lull notwithstanding. And while it is easy for Americans to complain about the Europeans, our military is also badly overstretched trying to play Roman Legion. Now, if the American military would only break, or better yet turn on its corporate betters who have turned the U.S. into the closest thing we’ve seen to a fascist corporate state since the trains arrived on time, then the world would be better off. (Oh, by the way asshole, the Russian military IS broken.)

Success in Afghanistan and Pakistan will like all colonial adventures require a long-term commitment. If Dick Cheney is to achieve his post UNOCAL dream of a U.S. corporate pipeline, America will need to take a broader military role in southern Afghanistan; the Afghan military will need to be massively expanded; the Pakistani military will need to be trained, aided and motivated to fight tribal extremists. But where’s the motivation to keep Dick’s chubby up—for Europe as well as Pakistan which is what I thought the fool, Michael Gerson, who wrote the original editorial was talking about confused little shit that he is. Pathe meanwhile, the threat of self-defence germinates, sprouts and grows to maturity in one of the most remote and unyielding, therefore confusing to the tiny western brainpan, regions of the world.

Still, NATO is not on the verge of a decisive loss in Afghanistan. We are either winning slowly or losing slowly. It is just hard to tell which since the fuckin’ North Atlantic is fucking nowhere in sight.

michaelgerson@cfr.org


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