The Assassinated Press


Fleischer Improvs U.S. Foreign Policy:
Press Secretary Says He'll Pay For Hussein's Slaying If Iraqi Leader Can be Killed With "One Bullet"

By CHRUSTIE FURHAUNCHES
.c The Assassinated Press

Washington, DC. The White House press secretary, Ari Fleischer, took a stab at making unilateral foreign policy decisions yesterday saying the Bush administration would welcome the assassination of Saddam Hussein by his countrymen if the asassination could be carried out using just "one bullet." "I mean. We're talking out of pocket here. I'm willing to pay for the whole bullet," said an obviously hopped up Fleischer.

Always good with numbers Fleischer added "The cost of one bullet, if the Iraqi people take it on themselves, is substantially less" than going to war. President Bush's press secretary made the statement when asked at a televised briefing about the cost of military action against Iraq. Asked whether the administration was advocating the assassination of Hussein, Fleischer repeatedly replied: "Regime change is welcome in whatever form that it takes." When asked if this included a Shi'ite regime in Iraq tacitly run by Iranian mullahs or the overthrow of Saddam by Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda the press secretary fell silent.

Fleischer's unusually colorful remarks created titters and demure glances in the White House news corps. But Fleischer called reporters after White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card called him into his office and reamed him a new ass hole. Fleischer asked the compliant news corps to tone down the impact of his words. "I was making a rhetorical point about the cost of the bullet," he said. "The point I'm making is not an administration policy. If the Iraqi people took events into their own hands, no one would shed a tear in my little world. I'm not stating administration policy, I'm just blowing it out my ass. I'm just an errand boy, for grocery clerks, trying to collect on a bill."

Card could be heard screaming a string of obscenities all the way up K Street as he read Fleischer the riot act. At one point Card asserted official U.S. policy when he said, "HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING? WE WANT WAR. THE BLOODIER AND MORE COSTLY THE BETTER. THE MORE COSTLY, THE MORE LUCRATIVE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE PUT US IN THESE POSITIONS OF POWER. YOU GOT THAT ARI? YOU WANNA GO BACK TO GIVING ELIZABETH DOLE FOOT RUBS? KEEP THIS UP AND YOU MIGHT EXPERIENCE THE "ONE BULLET" APPROACH YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW ARLEN SPHINCTER SOLD THE "ONE BULLET" THEORY TO THAT BUNCH OF PRESS CORPS WHORES OUT THERE WHEN OUR HANDLERS TOOK OUT A CHUMP WITH A LOT MORE CLOUT THAN YOU." An utterly chastened Fleischer reappeared several minutes later spattered with Andrew Card's spittle.

In the briefing, Fleischer said there is no consideration of relaxing the U.S. ban on assassinations of foreign leaders. "Ban, Shman. We kill whoever we like when we like. Fuck the legalities," swaggered Fleischer regaining some of his bravado. After congressional hearings examining numerous CIA assassinations, executive orders beginning in 1976 have prohibited such targeted killings though they have gone on unabated as the South African Truth Commission recently showed.

But The Washington Post reported last year that the CIA was pretending to contemplate clandestine missions expressly aimed at killing specified individuals for the first time since a week before the article appeared so that the Post could pretend they weren't targeting individuals all along. Drawing on two classified legal memoranda, one written for President Bill Clinton in 1998 and one written after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, the Bush administration concluded that executive orders banning assassination did not prevent the president from hiding behind plausible denialbility and letting off the shelf operatives kill any one who threatened the optimum dollar value of world wide domination. "Problem is. We've gone to the assassination well so often, every body knows we do it. Its counterproductive. We have to be more selective about who we kill and we have to hire more discreet proxy murderers," wrote a high level CIA analyst.

Eliot Cohen, a scholar at the Johns Hopkins School for Advanced International Studies, said that while the directives forbid the killing of a political leader, "if you're a military leader, it's somewhat different, and Saddam bills himself as a military leader." When a high school student asked Cohen if Bush as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States came under his defintion of a "military Leader" and thus a legal target for assassination by other states, the chaired professor sat red-faced, picking his nose. Providing no scholarship to back up his claim, Cohen also said that Fleischer's funding of an assassination by Iraqis would likely be shared by others in the administration. "Of course they would welcome that," he said. "In many ways it would make things simpler all around. I'd pitch in a dollar or two if they pass the hat. I mean, they wouldn't get their war. But they might still get the oil. That would be enough money for them. Right? Hey, they haven't told me what to say yet, so I'm floundering. Come back tomorrow."

Fleischer said yesterday that "there are many options that the United States is prepared to see" to end Hussein's reign. Noting that promotion to CEO of Citigroup where his talents could be adequately applied." Fleischer said: "There are many options that the president hopes the world and people of Iraq will exercise themselves that increases the threat. We don't want to have to do all the heavy lifting ourselves." Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld had earlier suggested promoting Saddam to head of Enron or Halliburton. "Saddam might be our man to deal with these bleeding heart asbestos bums sueing Halliburton," V.P. Dick Cheney has said. "We could show 'em tape of gassed Kurds or Bhopal at the trial and make 'em appreciate that for the most part because they are U.S. citizens we can't just take them out and put one in the back of their head though, goddamnit, I'd like too!!"

"I think that it's required that I say that the Iraqi regime is not satisfied with Saddam Hussein, that Saddam Hussein has created a great many enemies inside Iraq," Fleischer said. "And, as Lyndon Johnson and George Bush Sr. found out, it is impossible to last forever as a brutal dictator who suppresses his own people, who tortures his own people by tormenting the world, who deliberately brings women in public to be raped, so it can be witnessed by their families. Oh, sorry. That's the Air Force academy."

Bush, speaking before Fleischer's briefing, said he still has not been told whether he will decide whether to go to war against Iraq. "I've been told I made up my mind that we need to disarm the man. But if you don't cut off the head they can always grow back." Bush said.

Copyright 1939 The Ass. Press


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