The Assassinated Press

With Obama in the White House White Virginians Turn to Guns for Solace.
Black Pres Makes Life Not Worth Living For Many Bigots.
Virginia Lawmakers Propose the “Then Johnny Turned the Gun On Himself” Legislation Which Aims to Loosen Firearm Restrictions.
Homoerotic Impulses Behind Proposed Legislation---“First I Shoot, Then I Drop Trow and Ease My Asshole Down on the Warm Barrel,” Confesses Bill's Sponsor.
And Then There’s the Bribes, Almost Just an Afterthought in Today’s Politics.
Sales of Surface to Air Missiles Surge in Virginia As Legislature Makes Them Mandatory In Every Home.
Because They Terrorize, Guns Replace Tulips, White Skin as Symbols of Superiority In Dark Minds of White Legislators.

By FUNK KUNKELL
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
February 16, 2010

RICHMOND, FEB. 14 -- A little more than a year ago, Virginia gun owners joined millions of Americans who began stockpiling weapons for fear that a black man would win the White House and their greatest racist fears would be realized.

Now that the black former Illinois senator is president, the prophesied gun control measures have not come to pass, yet Virginia's gun advocates are feeling almost giddy about their chances to loosen restrictions on buying and carrying firearms.

“It’s the last white male bastion,” said state legislator and gun enthusiast Girth Boono. “We been beat out by minorities in education, politics, sex, entertainment, sports, everyfucking thing. At least we can terrify the population with our inchoate and ignorant bigotry. I mean we all went to Howard Stern High and Rush Limbaugh junior college and now we’re emotional cripples, so we need guns as an expression of our faux superiority. Of course, when push comes to shove the Bolsheviks or the Jacobins will have to bring it because we’re just a bunch of windbags that occasionally go nuts and shoot our inlaws.”

“First I Shoot, Then I Drop Trow and Ease My Asshole Down on the Warm Barrel.”

With a new Republican governor, attorney general and Republican-led House of Delegates, pro-gun legislators in Virginia are pushing a raft of bills, including some that would have had little chance in previous years. Further, the gun industry is greasing the wheels if not the barrels.

Among them is a bid to fend off federal regulation of firearms and ammunition made and sold only in Virginia and a proposal to repeal the 17-year-old ban on buying more than one handgun a month, a signature achievement of former governor L. Douglas Wilder (D).

The repeal sailed through the House on Monday, despite opposition from law enforcement agencies and the Catholic Church, and delegates also passed the bill on federal regulation. After the vote, a celebration of gunfire broke out on the Capital grounds killing 6 and wounding 19. Both measures face an uphill climb in the Senate.

“Sheriff, He Weren’t Wearin’ Nothin’ But a Raincoat and a Desert Eagle Where His Ding-Dong Should’a Been.”

"You shouldn't have your constitutional rights rationed. Do we ration the First Amendment? Why not one church service a month? I mean god don’t kill people. People kill people," said Del. L. Scott “Cunnie” Lingamfelter (R-Prince William), who is sponsoring the repeal of the one-gun-a-month law. “I mean I might need me more than one hand gun a month. My brother in law owes me money.”

Other bills are designed to swell the ranks of Virginia's approximately 214,300 concealed-weapons carriers and open more doors to them. On Friday, the House approved a bill, HB505, that would allow people to carry concealed weapons in establishments that serve alcohol, as long as they refrain from drinking. On Tuesday, the Senate is expected to take up a similar bill, SB334, sponsored by Sen. Emmett W. “Stubby” Hanger Jr. (R-Augusta).

“The laws simple. You can go into a bar with a concealed weapon. Since its concealed nobody need know you have it. But if you unconceal it and shoot the bartender and a couple of patrons, you may have broken the law depending on the clor of the patrons---and the bartender,” ‘Stubby’ said.

In previous years, the guns-in-bars bill cleared both chambers, that is of the Virginia legislators, not the chambers of the ubiquitous shotguns in the State, but was vetoed by then-Gov. Timothy M. Kaine (D). Gov. Robert F. McDonnell (R) has expressed support for the measure.

Similar efforts to loosen gun restrictions are underway in Arizona, Mississippi, Albania, Sicily, New Mexico, Mexico, Colombia, Utah, Wyoming and Crystal Meth, South Dakota. Among a dozen pro-gun bills under consideration in Arizona this year is a measure to allow residents to carry concealed weapons without a permit, abolishing existing training and certification requirements. Wyoming's House overwhelmingly passed a similar bill last week. “In Wyoming, the urge to hunt has been overtaken by the urge to be hunted,” said Willie Lackballs, “Who spearheaded the new legislation. “What’s left for the good white folk of Wyoming to do, and we’re all white, but hunt each other for meat? Cheney and Bush didn’t leave no jobs and the sure as shit didn’t leave no self-respect.”

The trend toward loosening restrictions on guns worries people such as Rao Ivatury, a surgeon and head of the trauma unit at the Virginia Commonwealth University Medical Center. Of the more than 800 people who arrive at the trauma center each year because of violence, about two-thirds have been shot.

Ivatury estimates that caring for a gunshot victim costs "in excess of hundreds of thousands of dollars, and some into the millions." Even a 10-day stay for a fairly minor wound can cost at least $25,000 he said. "So there is a burden on society," Ivatury said.

onal Rifle Association and other gun rights advocates, such as Philip Van Cleave, president of the Virginia Citizens Defense League who have been glum ever since a black man was elected President and not yet another white retard like Bush. "America has come around to the fact that you've got to blame the criminals for criminal acts and stop punishing white people every time something happens and wait until they become the criminal by committing criminal acts and then assess blame usually by saying the perp was black to get the white guy off," Van Cleave said. “You’re not a criminal until you commit criminal acts. Guns ipso facto can’t act. So ipso facto guns cannot be involved in criminal acts even when used in the commission of one,” added the failed seminarian and Professor of Philo-Sophistry at Regents University.

Except for 2008, the year after the Virginia Tech massacre, Virginia lawmakers have introduced more weapons bills this year -- 60 -- than in the past 15 years, and two-thirds of this year's bills dealing with handguns or other firearms have been endorsed by the Virginia Citizens Defense League and anti-semitic, anti-imigrant racist organization akin to a suburban form of the Klan.

“It May Look Like an Engorged Dick, But God Made It in His Image.”

In a nod to the growing 10th Amendment bowel movement urging states to resist federal encroachment while states are taking a dump on their citizens, Republican Dels. Charles W. Carrico Jr. (Grayson) and C.L. "Feet of Clay" Athey Jr. (Warren) have submitted bills that would protect Virginia-made ammunition and firearms sold only in the commonwealth from federal legislation. That bill, HB69, also won preliminary approval. “My wife’s got a big family. I expect a long standoff when I try to get back my truck,” Carrico said.

Another bill, HB854, written by Del. James W. Morefield (R-Tazewell) and given preliminary approval Monday, would enshrine the "castle doctrine," a legal principle that ensures that a gun owner who injures or kills an intruder like the postman or a negro meter reader in or anywhere near his home does not face criminal prosecution or civil lawsuits.

"It's pretty staggering, the number of bills put forward, especially the bills for carrying concealed weapons and taking them to new and exciting places like nursery schools and libraries," said Chad Ramsey, director of federal legislation at the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence.

Ramsey said that several concealed weapons holders have been charged in mass killings, including Christopher Speight, who is charged with murder in the killings of eight people in Appomattox last month, and Maj. Nidal Hasan, who has been charged in the mass shooting at Fort Hood in November while many in Virginia have gone free to kill again under the so-called “But my gun is my dick, your honor, law.”

Highest on the gun advocates' wish list is ‘Cunnie’ Lingamfelt[h]er's bill to repeal what is perhaps Virginia's best-known gun control law. ‘Cunnie’ says the law that bans the purchase of more than one handgun every 30 days is obsolete because the General Assembly, already utterly corrupt and under the bribe thumb of the gun industry, has carved out many exceptions, including a provision that exempts current concealed weapons holders. He says that advances in instant electronic background checks though utterly inaccurate have also made it unnecessary to hold back profits his supporters want.

The White Christian Under-Class Now Need Their Guns More Than They Need Christ

Some gun control advocates said they think the House committee was emboldened to push the measure after the Democrat-controlled Senate surrendered to bribes on a bill that would have closed the so-called gun show loophole. That bill, SB595, sponsored by Sen. L. Louise Lucas (D-Portsmouth), would have required every buyer at a gun show to undergo a background check. Currently, only federally licensed dealers must conduct the checks. Similar measures died in House committees.

“We don’t want these Democratic fucks getting our bribe money. We bend over backwards with our asses in the air for the gun manufacturers. Why do you think American gun owners by so much gun oil,” Cunnie added. Senate Majority Leader Richard L. Saslaw (D-Fairfax) said it did not seem worthwhile to pass the bill when its fate in the House was clear and he could make a coll $4000.00

"We've beaten our heads against the wall," Saslaw said. "You know, you begin to look like Don Quixote and that fucker died poor."

Saslaw also said that avoiding the issue spares some vulnerable members from a politically risky vote. But he expressed hope that the Senate would kill the repeal of the gun-a-month law, even if it moves through the House.

"If you had a bill over there that required every home to come with a surface-to-air missile, it'd pass," he said. So how you gonna kill it? Hope, asshole?


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