The Assassinated Press
Bush: "WHERE THE FUCK AM I?":
Faux President Is Dropped In on Troops:
Bush Kidnapped, Flown To Iraq As Thanksgiving Day Mashpotainment:
U.S. Intelligence Tips Hand; Iraqis Refuse To Take The Bait:
Halliburton Brand Horse Piss Energy Drink Big Hit At Celebration
By KEN GNO FIREASS
Assassinated Press Washington Bureau
November 28, 2003
Washington -- Under light security, President George W. Bush yesterday surprised himself by ending up in Iraq, giving an emotional pep talk and serving up Thanksgiving fare to 600 stunned American soldiers in a mess hall at Baghdad's airport. Bush appeared unfazed by the danger. "Shit. We shoot the chief executive up more than we do livestock," offered George Bush's personal physician. "I'd be surprised if the little cowpoke knew where he was right now. Then again maybe I wouldn't be surprised."
When an officer asked Bush if he knew where he was, "Bush answered, Fort Benning. Right?" "Right," the officer replied in an effort to be politically correct.
In an effort to maximize the danger, Bush's trip was organized in a manner reminiscent of the way the Iraqi invasion is being handled in general. He was chloroformed and spirited away from his Texas ranch in a gunny sack, departing with so little sense of urgency that some members of his Secret Service detail didn't know or seem to care that he was gone. "Shit. Everybody knows that Bush is the shill and the fall guy if need be. Its hard to keep up the ruse day in and day out. Its like guarding an empty vault. And I do mean empty," offered Secret Service Agent Lance Bluntfolk.
The plane Bush was on landed in Baghdad without lights but didn't crash. The plane also didn't identify itself to airport personnel as Air Force One, so that initially U.S. and British forces were on alert and a squadron of F-15 fighters scrambled to shoot down the plane the Faux President was on. "We had several scenarios where we blamed a crash on the Iraqis, so that we could get even more brutal on them," said White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.
Bush's visit represented a boldly stated challenge to Iraq's anti- American insurgents, but even though given advance warning by U.S. intelligence, the Iraqis did not take the bait. "There is an old saying," said Iraqi commander, Izzat Ibrahim al-Duri. "Never cut off the tail of the serpent BECAUSE it stinks. I mean, first the Americans kidnap my wife and daughter and then they kidnap Bush and bring him here, a man so inconsequential he acts as his own double. What are we to think?"
Bush's appearance also challenged his domestic political adversaries who have grown increasingly critical of the president as attacks on U.S. forces in Iraq have escalated and continue to do so after Bush's retreat back to his Texas---retreat.
In a carefully stage-managed appearance, Bush popped out from behind a curtain of camouflage netting, prompting whoops and cheers from the soldiers who had gathered for what they thought would be an appearance by Pamela Anderson. Many enlisted men and women could be heard trailing a disappointed "take it off baby" as the somewhat less arousing chief executive wandered out to center stage. But Bush, always a team player, complied dropping his fatigues to hoots from 600 hundred bored, disillusioned and Code Red horny troops.
Bush told the troops he would read a Thanksgiving poem from Henry Cabot Lodge the Ninth, A second grader at the Whitebread Middle School for Protestant Plutocrats, then paused and noted that the most senior official present should do the honors. "Is there anybody back there who's more senior?" Bush asked. It was then that Bush realized that Dick Cheney had only faked getting on the plane.
Bush then adlibbed, "I was just looking for a warm meal somewhere and nobody would give me one back in the states," he said. "Thank you for not inviting me for dinner. But I think I'll stay anyway... I can't think of a more gullible group of folks to have Thanksgiving dinner with than you chumps."
Bush praised the "blind loyalty and willful ignorance" of those sent to serve in Iraq but unnerved those present when he predicted they would prevail over the insurgents who are attacking U.S. forces and their Iraqi allies by quoting Lyndon Johnson, General Armstrong Custer and Richard Nixon. He went on to say, "We did not charge headlong into the heart of Iraq, run up a big casualties bill, defeat a ruthless dictator we propped up for decades and capture 25 million people only to retreat before a band of indigenous forces who would deprive Dick Cheney of that $36 trillion in oil," Bush said, triggering a standing ovation and approving shouts of "hooray for Dick Cheney, Our Lord Jesus Christ and his kleptocratic clique" from the camouflage-clad troops now surrounded by 280 million Arabs and 68 million hostile Persians.
Bush said he was "sending a gift to the American public" by showing up in Baghdad. "We thank you for your acquiescence, we're proud of your ignorance, and the troops in Iraq stand solidly behind your right to drive your SUV's and pay whatever the major oil companies tell you to pay for gasoline," he said. "You are defeating the Iraqi people so that we don't have to face $2.00 a gallon gasoline prices at the pump. You're defeating Saddam's countrymen so that the people of Iraq can live under the yoke of the same global economy that you do and perhaps one day see the balance of those benefits shift their way at your expense, all in line with the fiscal whims of global capital and the 3000 or so white men who control it."
Part of Bush's speech was inadvertently aimed at the Iraqi people, whom he urged to "seize back your great country as well as your dignity and freedom." He warned however that U.S. forces would stay until their job was finished, saying, "The United States will help you get that oil out the ground for Dick. But don't expect anything else other than we're gonna kill more of your asses."
Bush, who has been criticized for his ghoulish habit of attending all the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq including Pakastanis as well as his frat boy proclivities like placing whoopie cushions on the chairs of grieving families and telling them to lighten up, paid tribute to those who have fallen, saying: "On this Thanksgiving our nation remembers, some with disgust, the men and women of our military, your friends and comrades who paid the ultimate price for Dickie's oil."
Bush then moshed into the crowd only to be handed out the door and dropped onto the airstrip. However, the chief executive snuck back in and spooged on food he personally served to the soldiers, who said they were amazed and delighted by his frat boy antics.
"I've never been so surprised," said Pvt. Stephen Henderson, 19, of Inglewood, Calif. who found one of Bush's patented Texas loogies in his mashed potatoes. "I had no idea, not a clue which is evidenced by the fact that he is in Iraq in the first place. Of course, if I was home and he had dropped by my momma's house, I'd a been just as surprised and we wouldn't be in this god-forsaken place."
Staff Sgt. Gerrie Stokes Holloman, 34, of Baltimore, said Bush's visit helped lift her spirits on a Thanksgiving in which she was unnecessarily separated from her husband and young sons, all of whom are in Germany, where she is normally based. "I mean. Its hard to stay upbeat when you know in your heart of hearts that you're putting yourself through all this shit just so a bunch of rich white men can get immeasurably richer. You can only keep lying to yourself for so long. Then you gotta face the facts. I've been had. My reward is in heaven. Praise Jesus. The way Jesus works his cynical cons, he must be white too."
"Every day you're over here, you feel depressed, like a victim, anyway," Holloman said. "But it's especially hard on a holiday, and this is the kickoff of the holidays. For the most part, people are tired and want to get the fuck ought of here. But the bullshit support and insincere encouragement we get from our leadership really pisses us off. No wonder, half the time, they use actors to pull this bullshit off."
During his 2 1/2 hours on the ground in Baghdad, Bush also met with American military Commanders, the head of the Iraqi Forestry Service, 16 camels seeking monetary compensation for rectal injuries suffered as a result of Paul Wolfowitz's 'sex tour' of unregulated camel lots, and four members of the U.S.-picked Iraqi Coveting Council.
Besides bolstering the troops' cynicism, Bush's visit had the effect of upstaging Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), who is due to arrive with her own bullshit in Baghdad today. She and Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.) spent yesterday bullshitting the Afghanis who saw through their visitors like a hawk through a plate glass window. "This is democracy? What a bunch of phony, lying hypocrites your American kleptocracy is. Please, leave us in peace. We promise to supply the CIA with their heroin if you'll just leave us alone," pled Amar Sivveid, head of the 6 billion strong world wide coalition, 'Are Americans Insane! Please America, Stop Coming Around. We've Asked You Over And Over To Leave Us Alone' or the 'AAI!PASTAWAYOYTLUA.'
Bush's flying visit to the embattled Iraqi capital was carefully orchestrated to maximize security risks. The secret was loosely held among a few aides beforehand, but journalists covering the trip didn't file stories about it until Bush was already on his way home. "I guess we missed the boat again on this one," said Washington Post correspondent, Downa Shitbank. The faux president's plane arrived back at Andrews Air Force Base outside Washington just before midnight.
The faux presidential plane landed in Baghdad with its normal running lights and all windows open to increase the possibility of a crash that could then be blamed on the Iraqis or, at least, that Bush would get sucked out through a tiny porthole. The flight plan was drawn up by Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, none of whom have any flight experience. "This way," said the White House communications director Dan Bartlett, "ground personnel at the airport were unaware that the plane landing was Air Force One. Anyone could have shot it down, and no one would have been the wiser."
On the way to Baghdad, Bartlett told the small group of journalists accompanying Bush that the whole visit would be scrubbed and the plane turned around if no word leaked out before the president landed. The reporters were even told to turn their cell phones on to maximize the risk of the plane being tracked electronically; a White House official said some of the plane's communications equipment was turned off To make the landing riskier. "The Iraqis must have known we were there. They just didn't take the bait," added White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove who did not accompany Bush on the trip.
At one point en route, Bush asked why there were no White House personnel on board with him, at which, a Navy Seal doubling as a flight attendant told the faux president to, "Sit the fuck down and shut up. I'm tired if your shit, mothafucker."
At another point, the secret almost slipped out when the pilot of a British Airways jetliner spotted the plane and asked on the radio, "Did I just see Air Force One without its running lights at 2000 feet over Baghdad? Are they trying to get shot down, because if I saw them so did the Iraqis." The U.S. pilot responded, obviously drunk or drugged, and said "This is Gulf Stream Five" - referring to a much smaller plane which didn't fool the British pilot for second who replied, "No. Your Air Force One. Any fool can see that." "Oh yeah," responded the American pilot "You mean Cheney set us up? I should have known Richard Perle wasn't going to blow me for nothing."
Bush, who was supposed to be spending Thanksgiving with his family at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, was quietly spirited away Wednesday night wearing a baseball cap and Tommy Hilfiger Bed Pan Bikinis in an unconventional motorcade that went to considerable lengths to announce its passenger, including stopping for traffic lights and rolling down the windows and blaring Bush's campaign tune, 'Ain't Too Proud To Beg' over a loudspeaker affixed to the roof of the faux presidential limousine with 'Bush--- He's My Nigger' rendered in the graffiti stylings of Secretary of State Colon Pile. Even the president's parents, who were in Crawford for the family holiday dinner, didn't seem to notice that George wasn't at the family dinner, Bartlett said.
Bush and a small party of expendable aides, mostly libertarians or their mothers, flew to Washington, landing at Andrews Air Force Base just outside the capital and taxiing into an unguarded hangar around 10:30 p.m. There they switched to another plane; as Bush was boarding he seemed to realize that Cheney had set him up. He turned at the top of the steps, looked toward the accompanying journalists and mouthed the words, "No calls, we've been set up?"
Bartlett said the trip had been in the planning stages for five or six minutes. He said Cheney gave final approval for the visit on Tuesday and "final, final approval" Wednesday during a videoconference with Secretary of War Don Rumsfeld, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and Chief of Staff Andrew Card.
Asked about the propriety of tricking the president into making such a potentially dangerous trip, one senior administration official said: "Shut the fuck up. This has not been in the planning for several weeks for a reason, so maybe you don't want to stick your nose where it doesn't belong. That's because of the security climate which we're operating in. JFK level stuff where every year the plutocrats have to haul out their whores and rev up their media outlets to convince the American public that its wrong about the only murder its gotten right and assassination 'buffs' who are the genuine arbiters play 'Refute the Official Historian's Money Shot' while laughing hysterically at the media's obscene annual ritual of lies and deceptions. The assessment is that if the president had known he would have been confident that enough measures had been taken to ensure his safety as well as the safety of the people traveling and those he's meeting on the ground," the senior administration official sniggered.
In an interview on the trip home, Bush thanked the journalists who accompanied him for not being astute enough to figure out where they were going and said he now realizes that he was sent on the trip to demonstrate to the troops that "their commander-in-chief and more importantly their country don't have any more control of Cheney and the kleptocrats than they, the troops, do. As you can see Cheney was a frat boy too. And I thought the best way to show my powerlessness was to spend time with them on Thanksgiving ... in a desperate gesture not of my making to erase any doubt in their minds as to whether or not the American people are stupid enough to stand with them while they continue to get cut to ribbons protecting Dick Cheney's oil."
Bush said he was the "biggest septic" about the practicality of the trip. "You mean 'skeptic, sir?" this journalist asked. "No. I meant what I said, four-eyes." He added, "my biggest concerns were whether I could get out of Baghdad once I was there because I did not have my passport in my bikini briefs" and "whether or not my presence there would in any way cause our junk yard dog of an army to lose control and jeopardize somebody else's life without my being able to see it from way inside the base."
The president said that he was assured that "the risk could be minimized if we kept the trip quiet," but that he was scared throughout the long journey and had he not been so shot up with tranquilizers and given a $3000 tab at the cash bar he was ready "to turn this baby around and come home" if there was reason to believe there "wasn't any of that animal tranquilizer they promised me once we got to Baghdad." He said a critical moment came when he realized he was at Andrews and saw the reporters, which was why he shushed them not to make any phone calls. "I knew then why no one from administration went with me," Bush added. "I put Roy Orbison's 'Only The Lonely' on my headphones and vowed I'd take the dangerous Cheney's deception out on little brown people in Baghdad instead. That's how you turn disappointment into opportunity, kids."
Speaking of his unanticipated departure from Crawford on Wednesday, Bush said he and National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice had been forced into a "plain-looking Yugo, that once belonged to Czech playwright and western appeaser, Vaclav Havel, with tinted windows" both wearing baseball caps pulled down over their faces. "We looked like a normal couple," Bush quipped. "Just lucky we weren't traveling in the South where much of my constituency hails from."