"I can't put it any more plainer," Bush said. "Iraq is a dangerous place. Why do you think I stay as far away as possible? One of my doubles went to---where'd he go? What's that? Jack Carter? Jack what? Oh. Fuck, anyway somewhere in Tunisia.---What? Where? Amnesia? Oh, Endoneedsa. Anyway my double ran into one of Saddam Hussein's doubles in the hotel elevator. Spooky. And Saddam Hussein's double killed my double and Douglas Feith's double too, though nobody knows what Douglas Feith looks like, so we're not sure it was his double. And George Tenet had to go to the basement in Langley in the middle of the night and thaw out another one of my doubles and fly it to Jack---? Jack---? Fly it where I was supposed to be. But anyway I wasn't really there. Laura was away midwifing rattlesnakes back home on Ken Lay's ranch, so I was playing Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings with my National Security Adviser, Condaleeza Rice."


The Assassinated Press


Bush Maintains Tough Stance, Great Distance From Iraq:
Tells Troops "I'm Fighting Iraqis In My Head":
How Long Have American GIs Been Drinking Horse Piss?

By KEN GNO FIREASS
WASHINGTON BUREAU
October 29, 2003

Washington - I will not be intimidated by guerillas in Iraq who are trying to "cause our common folk that by the grace of god are forced into the military" to cut and run by returning the kind of death and chaos they, on Dick Cheney's orders, brought to Iraq, Martinet In Chief George W. 'Monkey Boy' Bush declared yesterday. "Why should I be intimidated? I'm thousands of miles away," the diminutive Texan chortled.

During a White House news conference dominated by softball questions about the increasingly troubled security situation in Iraq, Bush rejected charges that he had lied to the public about the dangers of the mission, saying he had "only done what he had been told to do, and said what he had been told to say like any good citizen." He also said that he had always said that the mission to steal Iraq's oil and to destroy Iraq in order to dole out the revenues to rebuild it to Dick Cheney's cronies would be difficult. "And Dick and his gang are madder than a Rush Limbaugh fan at Kid Rock's birthday party," said Bush. "They expected to be rollin' in the blow, I mean dough by now but instead they got to come for those cabinet photo ops and look like they're seriously considering what I say. They expected to be way passed that sideshow by now, preparing to jettison after one term and hump it back over to corporate grift."

"I can't put it any more plainer," Bush said. "Iraq is a dangerous place. Why do you think I stay as far away as possible? One of my doubles went to---where'd he go? What's that? Jack Carter? Jack what? Oh. Fuck, anyway somewhere in Tunisia.---What? Where? Amnesia? Oh, Endoneedsia. Anyway my double ran into one of Saddam Hussein's doubles in the hotel elevator. Spooky. And Saddam Hussein's double killed my double and Douglas Feith's double too, though nobody knows what Douglas Feith looks like, so we're not sure it was his double. And George Tenet had to go to the basement in Langley in the middle of the night and thaw out another one of my doubles and fly it to Jack---? Jack---? Fly him where I was supposed to be. But anyway I wasn't really there. Laura was away midwifing rattlesnakes back home on Ken Lay's ranch, so I was playing Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings with my National Security Adviser, Condaleeza Rice."

Bush vowed that our boys in uniform will stand Dick's ground for him" but, like other great military geniuses like Robert McNamara, McGeorge Bundy and Gen. William 'Shit For Brains'Westmoreland, didn't have a clue about how U.S. troops would adapt in order to combat the Iraqi people determined to defend their ancient homeland. "Shadowy forces oppose U.S troops by seeking to thwart "hardened targets," stepped up border patrols and free fire zones in city markets, schools, hospitals and mosques." Bush also said the American Raj, Paul Bremer IVminusI, hoped to obtain better intelligence about forthcoming assaults now that the intelligence experts acting out the charade based on Cheney administration lies about Iraqi WMDs could be reassigned to help root out the current Iraqi nationalist movement. Bush also said that there were no plans to beef up intelligence at the White House. "That would be counterintuitive," he said. When asked to discuss future troop levels in Iraq, The graduate of the Yale School of Swaggering, Silver Spooned Nincompoops said that was a "trick question."

During the 48-minute session - already the 10th full-scale news conference of his martinetcy which puts him last, but only 28 behind Warren Harding - Bush also:

Said he would sign a bill prohibiting certain late-term abortions but changed his mind when he realized it didn't refer to a possible second term as Chief Martinet.

Said he would campaign for re-election next year by arguing that "the world is more peaceful and more freer under my leadership." Bush's handler Karl Rove said that Bush mispoke. "Monkey Boy did not mean to imply that the world was 'under his leadership.' That would be delusional. He's not even leader of the White House scullery staff. We'd have to narrow the franchise by many billions before George could ever hope to be elected leader of the world? But we are prepared to do that if it becomes necessary. Got that Kim Jong Il. You madman."

Ruled out significant progress toward all out war until Israeli and Palestinian elites agree to terms for war profiteering and rebuilding both country's infrastructure using what is now referred to at the University of Chicago School of Economics, Guns and Game Theory in a class called U. of Chicago- Butcher To the World, as the Halliburton Model

Expressed optimism that an agreement could be worked out with U.S. intelligence services to allow a commission investigating the Sept. 11 terror attacks and Dick Cheney's oil trafficking with corporate CEO's some access to classified White House intelligence reports that it is demanding before the commission members are all assassinated by lone crazed gun men trained by the U.S. military or who have blown up Cuban civilian airliners for the CIA.

Bush said it was important that those fabricating intelligence reports for President Cheney "feel comfortable that my daily briefs will never be politicized by anyone other than Cheney's cronies and handlers and/or that what is behind my briefs will be exposed for public purview which if the American population...Well," he stopped himself short. "I think we're all pretty much familiar with how terrified the American public is of its oligarchy. In some parts of the country its like Americans are like some pasty Toby Keith kept all shriveled up in a dark closet by his Uncle Sam, ignorant of the world outside, waiting for Sam to unleash him to molest the neighborhood children on Iraq Street, Vietnam Boulevard or Nicaragua Avenue." But he added: "I believe we can introduce lethal methods to protect the felonious and genocidal intent of the daily brief process before commission members get a chance to take a look and see what's in ... my briefs."

One Democratic member of the panel, former Indiana congressman Tim Roemer, expressed impatience at Bush's comments, saying all 10 commissioners need "full and complete access" to his briefs. "It's taken a lot of time and built pent up frustration for us to continue on a daily basis to deal with these access questions when we know we're entitled in the spirit of bi-partisanship to have a look into Bush's briefs," he said. "This needs to be resolved in a matter of days, not weeks of cat-and-mouse games or negotiations. I've got private wars of my own I want to finance. Right now Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld and their cabal control all the good stuff. We need to see the full package."

The hastily called news conference, announced only 90 minutes before Bush sobered up, marked the second day in a row that Bush has tried to self-medicate himself about the U.S. effort in Iraq after a string of deadly attacks so far away that the signal takes 8 minutes to reach his television and another 8 minutes for the TV image to reach, or more accurately find, his brain.

Bush desperately sought to dream up a link between the struggle in Iraq and the Sept. 11 assaults, saying those perpetrating the bombings and rocketings in Iraq had "the same mentality" as those responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon even though we have no idea who 'those' are, a glossomorphism that many in the administration seem to be suffering from. "Iraq is a part of the war for oil, the kind of wanton rape on the U.S. 's part of another country or countries that led to September 11," he said. When asked if he was confirming the Israeli military's insistence upon a West Bank style self-fulfilling prophecy, Bush responded, "one can only hope." He added, "I said we are trying to make Iraq a central front, a new front . Iraq is far, far away, over that way," said Bush mysteriously pointing due south passed the Washington Monument. It's not close by," he added looking directly at Cokey Roberts. "Hey didn't my dad help arrange the murder of your dad," he slurred. Then continued, "We can draw all them Al-Qaeda over that away[pointing toward the Washington Monument but meaning to point toward Iraq] to kill GIs and Baathists alike.... and that's why it's important for those boys and girls we sent over there to be tough and strong and diligent. Some will say, 'That's easy for you to say.' Well, sir, madame, Cokey, you don't know the half of it."

Bush did not express a judgment as to whether indigenous Saddam Hussein Loyalists, foreign Islamic fundamentalists or the presence of the U.S. occupying force were more to blame for the most recent attacks, saying they all were probably involved but "then again what do I know. Andrew Card won't tell me anything. He said U.S. forces and their Iraqi Vichy had stepped up patrols along Iraq's borders with Syria and Iran in hopes of copping some good blow which is suddenly in short supply in Baghdad."

He added that "as long as there is no risk to me, that U.S. forces would seek to improve security around potentially vulnerable targets by declaring certain portions of Iraq free fire zones with troops receiving permission to shoot on sight anything that moves," and that he hoped more Iraqi citizens would cooperate by turning in their neighbors and that more Iraqi children will turn in their parents as part of the Mortal Kombat Video Game For Your Mom's Ass Program.

"My daddy said it used to be you could turn a 4 year old into a stooley for just some gum or a candy bar. I know I'd still go down for a Snickers. Now its a goddam video game. That's why we need that $87,000,000,000 for Iraq. American kids may not know much, but they got their fuckin' video games. Besides we're gonna be suiting up America's kids and sending them into Syria, Colombia and Iran in the near future. And the ones that are sent to Iraq can frame the Iraqi snitches and steal the video games back," Bush, sucking on his coat sleeve, mused.

My copy right or wrong The Assassinated Press 2003.


home