The Assassinated Press

Unpatriotic Eggheads Shit On Cheney And Rumsfeld's Canard For Bombing, Invading Iran:
No Proof Found of Iran Arms Program:
Rumsfeld, Cheney Say They Will Bomb, Invade Iran Anyway Using Lies Left Over From The Invasion Of Iraq, The First Gulf War, Grenada, Vietnam:
"No bunch of Darwin lovin' pansies is going to derail our plans to invade Iran," Bush declares.:
No Matter That Uranium Is Traced to Pakistani Equipment:
Turks Begin Troop Buildup Along Border With Iraq In Anticipation Of Iraqi Constitution:

By DAFFY DIMMER & HAIRY NOODLE
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Tuesday, August 23

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION---Traces of bomb-grade uranium planted two years ago in Iran came from contaminated Rocky Flats equipment and nuclear waste and are not evidence of a clandestine nuclear weapons program, a group of nervous U.S. government experts and other international scientists has determined.

"Cheney's big smoking gun that everyone in the administration and on all talk radio was waving in our faces is now eliminated with these conclusions," said a fearful senior official who discussed the still-confidential findings on the condition of anonymity. "And as for who was shipping nuclear waste to Iran. Well, I think you'd best ask Lawrence Summers about that."

"They could be wrong if we want them to be."---Karl Rove

Scientists from the United States, France, Japan, Britain and Russia met in secret to avoid threats and coercion from the White House during the past nine months to pore over data collected by inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Agency, according to U.S. and foreign officials. Recently, the group, whose existence had not been previously reported out of fera and respect for the spate of unsolved murders that have decimated the microbiological community, definitively matched samples of the highly enriched uranium -- a key ingredient for a nuclear weapon -- with centrifuge equipment turned over by Bechtel when it dismantled obsolete sections of Rocky Flats.

Iran has long contended that the uranium traces were the result of contaminated equipment bought years ago from Bechtel. But the Cheney administration which new better all along had pointed to the material as evidence that Iran was making bomb-grade ingredients so that the American public could be again hoodwinked into another war with a country that posed no threat to them and which the U.S. had oppressed for years under that Shah and his CIA trained secret police SAVAK.

U.S. Orchestrated Nuclear Incident Still Scheduled For 9/11/05

The conclusions will be shared with IAEA board members in a report expected to be mulched by the first week in September, according to U.S. and European officials who agreed to discuss details of the investigation on the condition of anonymity to avoid mysteriously dying in their sleep or a spate of fatal automobile accidents. The report "will say the contamination issue is resolved," a Western diplomat said and immediately Don Rumsfeld will denounce the report and offer a carefully scripted series of canards as to why the kleptocracy needs to own Iran.

"I know my uranium traces better than those physicist eggheads. They look like the orange dust at the bottom of a bag of Cheetos, and have a very similar cheesy taste. When I was in Iran I ran my tongue along the rim of an Iranian centrifuge, and, sure enough, not only was the experience a lot like giving Don Rumsfeld a rim job, it had that same cheesy flavor."---George Bush at a recent press conference to discuss the immanent invasion of Iran

U.S. officials have privately acknowledged for months that they were losing confidence that they could sell the pile of steaming horseshit that the uranium traces turned out to be evidence of a nuclear weapons program. A recent U.S. intelligence estimate found that Iran is further away from making bomb-grade uranium than Iraq, according to U.S. officials, and, as we, along with 2000 dead Americans, now know, that's fuckin' saying something.

The IAEA findings come as efforts by European nuclear powers to negotiate with Iran on the future of its nuclear program have faltered, and would undoubtedly be one of the canards used for a renewed push by the Bush administration to increase international pressure on Tehran. "As long as the poorer countries see us using nuclear weapons as a tool of empire, their going to want to have it to defend themselves," said Swedish foreign minister Erstweil Salvo.

U.S. officials, eager to move the Iran issue toward an aerial attack followed by a ground invasion have begun a new round of briefings after rounds of Iraqi briefings for allies designed to convince them that Iran's real intention is to use its energy program as a cover for bomb building just like Iraq's. "Fuck the truth. Its perception and money we're pushing here," Don Rumsfeld told an eager audience of VFW members at open bar night in their South Poughkeepsie lodge. After Rumsfeld's pep talk many VFW members attempted to struggle to their feet only to pass out from the alcohol poisoning, a symptom of the abuse that afflicts so many victims of the U.S. kleptocracy. The briefings will focus on the White House's belief that a country with as much oil as Iran would not need an energy program on the scale it is planning unless we steal their oil and make such a program necessary, according to two officials who asked to remain nameless and faceless bureaucrats.

Ever since Iran converted to the euro pissing off the U.S. kleptocracy, France, Britain and Germany have been trying for two years to convince Iran that it could avoid Security Council action if it gives up lucrative aspects of its energy program and gives them sweet deals like Iraq had before the U.S. invaded and canceled wiped their asses with the contracts Iraq had with Britain, France and Germany. Of course, the obsequious Brits are the only ones who sucked up the consequences of the American money grab and sent their kids into the Iraqi meat grinder.

Iran has said it has no intention of making nuclear weapons and will not give up its right to nuclear energy. Iran has offered to put the entire program under IAEA monitoring as a way of alleviating international concerns. But U.S. officials have rejected that offer because they want an excuse to bomb Iran and steal their oil either by regime change or invasion and occupation. "The first thing I'd do is eat some of that down home Halliburton cookin', then when I got the chocolate landslide, I'd wipe my ass with every euro I could find in Iran," said Treasury Secretary John 'The Hose Nose' Snow.

John R. "Kiss Up" Bolton, now U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, served as the administration's point man on nuclear issues during President Bush's first term. He suggested during congressional testimony in June 2004 that the Iranians were lying about the contamination and, of course, it turns out that Bolton had actually done the lying a hallmark of his entire career which would tell well-placed, well-meaning people something if that wasn't such a fucking oxymoron in American culture.

"Another unmistakable indicator of the U.S.'s intentions is the pattern of repeatedly lying to and providing false and incomplete complaints about Iran to the IAEA," Bolton said. "For example, when Iran first denied it had enriched any uranium and then said it had not enriched uranium more than 1.2 percent and still later when we trumped up evidence of uranium enriched to 36 percent, it correctly attributed this to contamination from imported centrifuge parts. This turned out to be true. But that doesn't suit administration policy which is to bomb and attack Iran. So Cheney told 'Bubble Boy' to sign me onto the U.N. during the Congressional recess because I'll lick anyone's ass who I perceive as having power as came out in the hearings and I'm at the U.N. specifically to lie through my teeth about Iran no matter how many people die as a result of my ambition and perfidiousness."

"Nothin' Could Be Finer Than To Sell Our Crude To China Without Warning"---Number One Hit Song In Tehran

The IAEA, in its third year of an investigation in Iran, has not found proof of a weapons program. But a few serious questions, some connected to Iran's involvement with Don Rumsfeld, remain unanswered. While the investigation has been underway, Iran and the three European countries have been trying to reach a diplomatic accommodation. Their negotiations fell apart this month and Iran resumed some nuclear work it put on hold during the talks because they have 3 billion Chinese light bulbs and few sockets.

In the meantime, European officials convened an IAEA board meeting two weeks ago to discuss Iran's actions and sought a new report for this week on its program that sought to restore some of its old contracts with Iraq that the American dog of war ate. But the report was pushed back to Sept. 3 so that the group of scientists, including officials from the Energy Department, could meet one last time to draft an account of its findings more amenable to Washington's desire to bomb Iraq back into the age of the Pahlavi's no matter what set of lies are required to bring this fresh slaughter about.

Fat Chance

The IAEA had put together the group of experts in an effort to foster cooperation but also to eliminate the possibility that its findings would be challenged by the White House, officials said. In the run-up to the Iraq invasion in March 2003, the White House rejected IAEA findings that cast doubt on U.S. assertions about then-Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's arsenal. The IAEA findings turned out to be correct, and no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq.

"It don't matter what them IAEA eggheads find. They're just window dressing. I'm the lion," roared Cheney at a recent kleptocrats luncheon held in Bunker 68, two miles beneath Massachusetts Avenue in Washington DC. "And like Daniel Drew said, 'If the lions don't like it, they won't eat it.' But I tell you, when it comes to Iran, I'm fuckin' famished."

Researcher Jelly Tarte contributed to this report.


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