We're over the top because that's where the truth went.
The Assassinated Press


Newsweek: "Who Killed Christ?"-"America Killed Christ!"
"I Can't Come Back! The CIA Would Kill Me!!," Christ Tells The Assassinated Press; Second Coming Postponed Indefinitely:
Tenet: "If Christ Shows His Black Semitic Ass Anywhere On the Planet, Disguised As Any Nationalist, Priest Or Otherwise, I Swear To My God, Mammon, That I Will Destroy Any Effort He Makes To Help The Poor:"
Christ Tells American Evangelicals To "Go To Hell!"; Calls Them Cowards For Not Confronting Christ-Killing U.S. Kleptocracy:
CIA Files Show Aristide Became A Target Of The Agency When He Opened His First Orphanage Over 25 Years Ago:
CIA Candidate Wins Democratic Nomination; Kerry Chooses Presidency Over Death:
Powell Reiterates Claim That Aristide Had WMD To Justify Kidnapping:
Emboldened Cheney Steps Up Effort To Overthrow Chavez:
Coordinadora Democratica Kills One Of Their Own, Tries To Blame Chavez:
CIA Operatives In Haiti Win Agency Pool Over Chavez Coupists, Celebrate By Breaking Out The Cocaine, "Playing Fast And Loose With The 'Toot'":
Tenet Tells His Serial Killers In Haiti To 'Chill', Come Back When The International Media's Gone To Murder, Pillage And Rape; Chamblain Ain't Hearin' Him

BY SHMEKEL DIEBET
The Assassinated Press
March 4, 2004

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- Rebel leader Guy Philippe promised yesterday to disarm his forces following threats and bribes from the White House to do so, and French and U.S. peacekeeping troops sewed up the kidnapping and coup, patrolling the capital's streets further moving events beyond the possibility of seeing a return of the democratically elected President, Jean-Bertrand Aristide. "It's great. I feel like a racketeer for capitalism," said Marine Sergeant Fred 'Flex' Flexner. "After Afghanistan and Iraq passed me by, I wondered when I was going to get to participate in some of this gangsterism."

Back in Washington: "If one more bastard shoves that phrase 'democratically elected' in my face again, I swear I'm going to 'necklace' them. What the fuck do I care about democracy? I'm an Iran-contra guy. I was given this position precisely because I am utterly undemocratic and a ruthless killer," yelped a pumped up assistant US secretary of state for Western Hemisphere affairs, Roger Noriega. "And the Philippe! What an ass! I told him and his thugs to 'chill.' They'll be plenty of time to rape, pillage and kill. Wait til only the American Press is left down here before you declare yourself 'Ubu Roi' or whatever shit you've got in mind. The U.S. press will not only cover it up. But they'll make it look like you shit roses."

With thousands of armed poor and destitute loyalists whose only hope was ousted president, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, still on the loose, Haitians worried about renewed rule like under Baby Doc Duvalier and the Ton Ton Macoute, all under lawless tutelage of the U.S. As reported earlier by the Assassinated Press, the Cheney administration contacted Baby Doc shortly before the kidnapping to get his feelings on returning to Haiti and picking up where he left off on behalf of the U.S. kleptocracy.

"Fuck! They all wanna get high---I mean get back. I mean, all them murderers on our payroll," shouted a snuffling Noriega who seemed to have a bit of a cold. Constant don't want to one of our New York bag men anymore. He whined to me just yesterday that he hasn't killed a child or a nun in almost a year. It was drivin' him nuts."

Steve Wilson of the Post suggested that "Since Mr. Noriega's insights were so important to Haiti perhaps the secretary should take some Nyquill and get himself to bed." There were no further questions.

Prime Minister Yvon Neptune, whose residence was surrounded by U.S. Marines in armored personnel carriers, announced a state of emergency, giving police and officials wide powers of arrest and the right to ban public demonstrations.

Efforts to build a UN-approved peacekeeping force for Haiti were set back when the 15-nation Caribbean Community refused to contribute troops. Jamaican Prime Minister P.J. Patterson, speaking for the bloc, said it was "extremely suspicious " of the United States' and France's response to the Haiti crisis, which began Feb. 5 when the CIA gave the go ahead for Philippe's rebels to begin a coup against Aristide's government. "Why should we continue to legitimize U.S. crimes. Only the village idiot would believe this was not a long running, American engineered coup. But then I understand there are millions of diffident village idiots in the U.S. who when it comes to expressions of morality and integrity act like dogs when they need a bath."

The CIA forces quickly took over half the country, forcing the U.S. State Department to kidnap Aristide on Sunday. Only then did the United Nations approve a multinational force, because the U.S. and, Haiti's colonial power, France are still smarting over the successful slave uprising in 1803 that gave the Haitian people their freedom. "Damn these white people can hold a grudge," commented Patterson. "And to think, we were the slaves. What if it had been the other way around?"

After looting and violence engulfed the capital Sunday, the rebels marched in, and enforced calm by shooting people on sight but raising hackles about their role in the country's future. Monday, Philippe declared himself the military chief, but U.S. State Department officials said that, with Aristide gone, the rebels should disarm for the moment. "We can make it worth their while to cool it just now," said Noriega. "But the CIA put Philippe up to the 'military chief' thing. Tenet said he'd fuck with us, but State isn't backing off. If it's a war they want. It's a war they'll get."

At a news conference yesterday, after a confrontation with Ambassador James Creamhole Foley, the heavily outnumbered Philippe backed down. "As President Aristide was the principal for democracy and for the people ... and now that foreign soldiers are holding the will of the Haitian people hostage, we will give them these few CIA arms and wait for more from Tenet," he said. "This is a decision made for my own personal benefit. Oh, and did I mention that George Tenet is the best CIA Director since Bill Casey."

He said his followers would turn over some old outdated weapons to Aristide's constitutional successor, Supreme Court Justice Boniface Alexandre, and that he would go today to Haiti's second-largest city, Cap-Haitien, to ensure rebels held off until the CIA cut them loose to pillage, kill and rape..

The lack of CIA supported pathological killers prowling the streets of Port-au-Prince decreases the pressure on the 1,000 Marines now in Haiti, along with about 300 French and Canadian white colonialist hegemon, to police the streets and protect key assets such as the National Palace, the port and government officials' homes.

Haiti's poor majority see Aristide as something of a savior, first electing him president in 1990. In recent years, his popularity fell amid when the United States withheld development funds and strong armed other countries to do the same, the CIA launched a U.S. taxpayer opposition as well as propaganda program and Otto Reich and then Roger Noriega, both veterans of Iran-contra, began assembling a contra-like force in the Dominican Republic, which together created a de facto state of siege.

Haiti's CIA created political opposition groups, who had pushed for Aristide's ouster and whose only affiliation with the rebels is though American intelligence, welcomed Philippe's announcement but called on foreign powers to provide greater security now that pathological killers have returned to hunt at will. "They need to provide the president [Alexandre] with enough U.S. taxpayer security so that he doesn't feel like every moment could be his last. He's our front man and were in it for the money. Money doesn't make you courageous," said Charles Baker of the Democratic Platform, a CIA inspired coalition that opposed Aristide.

Meanwhile, CIA controlled opposition thugs were discovered by intelligence services in conspiracy plans to assassinate one or more of their own leaders. Former National Assembly (AN) president William Lara says that out-of-control CIA assets in the loosely-formed Coordinadora Democratica (CD) a CIA financed coalition of opposition parties have been discovered in conspiracy plans to assassinate one or more of their own leaders. Intelligence reports delivered directly to President Hugo Chavez Frias show well-advanced plans by anti-government conspirators to assassinate several high-profile (though presumably politically dispensable) opposition personalities and then to put the blame on President Hugo Chavez Frias as the supposed author of the crime. Yesterday CIA financed Accion Democratica (AD) regional leader Eva Carrizo (42) was assassinated by members of the CIA financed Coordinadora Democratica followed by a clumsy attempt to blame it on Chavez. "Clumsy? We like clumsy. I'm sure we'll blame it on Chavez at the Washington Post. We'll just call 3 friends at Langley for corroboration," said senior editor Hank Stoogemeister as he putted golf balls in his corner office.

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