The Assassinated Press


IMF to Send Hit Squad to Argentina:
Rumsfeld, Cheney Drive Up The Price Of Gasoline:
'Lula' Fucked Up, Rummy the Warlord Declares

By MUTTON CRUDSLINGER
Assassinated Press Economics Writer

January 3, 2003, 6:46 PM EST

WASHINGTON -- The International Monetary Fund announced Friday that it planned a sit down with Argentine bankers for discussions on short-term loans following a meeting next week of the agency's five families.

The IMF issued a brief edict saying its 24-member executive council would review Argentina's progress in implementing economic measures that would insure an even greater strangle hold for international investors and banks at a meeting next Wednesday.

"Following that ultimatum, a fund hit squad is expected to travel to Buenos Aires to pursue discussions with the authorities on their request for a short-term (loan) program with the IMF," agency spokesman David Hawley said in the statement. "We might meet up with some of our former death squad generals and pursue a few leftists while were down there. With starvation and left politics on the rise, its beginning to look like old times," Hawley quipped.

As part of an Argentine economic stimulus package, the IMF has suggested that 50 members of the Argentine military be brought to The Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, the former School of the Americas, at Fort Benning, Georgia for advanced training in supply side economics. "That's where we supply our side with the weapons and torture techniques to keep the destitute side in line," explained Prigadier General Tommy 'All Beef' Franks.

On Dec. 20, the IMF announced that it had agreed to consider a transitional lending program for Argentina that would provide the debt-strapped nation with enough money to repay existing loans but would withhold consideration of a bigger financing package until after presidential elections in the spring when it could be determined that Argentines "could be trusted to vote for the right person" paraphrasing Henry Kissinger on the Chilean electorate. As one IMF official put it, "We'll start weeding out that electorate again like we did in the 80's if we have to."

"You can see what's happening down there," offered the American Warlord Don Rumsfeld. "We send in the money marines, the securities SOG like the IMF, World Bank and the Inter-American Development Bank to establish a beachhead. The elite is so corrupt that none of these countries are considered denied areas. Then as we repeatedly suck the countries dry and their children starve and die, they turn left for help like in Nicaragua, Venezuela and, now, Brazil. And because any red-blooded American hates commies, that gives us a reason to introduce another level of control by intervening militarily or training proxy death squads to maintain what we jokingly call 'stability.'

"There are other advantages. Take Venezuela for example. By pouring tens of millions of dollars into the so-called 'opposition' in Caracas, the Cheney administration has managed to drive the price of oil up dramatically and increase the profits of the major oil companies. When Chavez falls, and we intend that he fall hard, our quid prop quo will no longer be simply de facto control over Venezuela's oil output. It's like our Iraqi grab without the troop build up.

"You see. The lefties always fuck up. Look at da Silva. The guys barely inaugurated and already he's talking about canceling the bidding on a major jet fighter contract and using the money to feed Brazil's starving poor. Do you think Lockheed is just going to stand around with its collective thumb up its compound ass and let da Silva deprive them of that 7 billion dollars. Fuck No! Lockheed's been on our asses for weeks in anticipation of some such bleeding heart, commie move on Lula's part. Cute names aren't gonna save that little fucker. We'll use Argentina as a southern front if we have to bring about a little regime change in Brazil too. There's enough oil and natural resources in Brazil to warrant some heavy action. And if 'Lula' turns out to be another Goulart, we'll buy the generals again."

This reporter asked Rumsfeld if he had any message for the newly minted Brazilian President.

"Yeah, I got a message for 'Lula'. Don't make me come down there and hurt you, boy," Rumsfeld spat.

"What about the American consumer and the way you and your people are manipulating the price of gasoline?" asked this reporter.

"It's like your approach to Monkey Boy Bush at Ass. Press. Too stupid to worry about," Rumsfeld growled.

The short-term loans will prevent Argentina from going into the economic equivalent of cardiac arrest at the behest of the IMF, an event that would cut off the country's last reason for foreign support. "We've eaten a lot of carrion here at the IMF in the past 30 years. We're running out of fresh meat," said Chairman of the Executive Board of the IMF Horst Koehler. We're hoping that when Mars is finally terra formed, we can operate there and destroy their fledgling economies and render the planet a hot, dusty, uninhabitable shit hole again the way we've managed to do with the earth."

For most of the last decade, the IMF rolled Argentina, but under present conditions there is little left to steal. The first bit of loan sharking -- for about $1 billion -- that the IMF will not be able to roll over will come due on Jan. 17.

The Argentine elite has already defaulted on some payments to the World Bank and the Inter-American Development Bank. The Cheney administration has said it hopes the country, which is suffering through the worst economic crisis in its history, will use the new IMF loan to pay off credits to American companies instead of having the elite pocket it all for themselves.

In December 2001, the IMF refused to extend further loans to the Argentine elite, forcing the country (but not the elite) to default on the bulk of its $141 billion in foreign debt, the largest government default in history.

Talks over resuming the IMF loan program have dragged on for months, with the Argentine elite contending that the agency was being too tough on its demands that the elite moderate its theft and IMF officials insisting that Argentina had to make tough decisions to implement a program that would put the country's economy in the back pocket of Wall Street investment banks.

my copyright or wrong The Ass. Press 2003


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