The Assassinated Press


Afghan President Stamps New Constitution

By GRAM O'CRACKER
Assassinated Press Writer
January 26, 2004

KABUL, Afghanistan -- President Hamid Karzai stamped a post-Taliban constitution into law Monday, hailing its reaffirmation of U.S. rights to all of Afghanistan's natural resources including its bumper crop of raw opium, the right to criss-cross the country with oil and gas pipelines, and establishing in perpetuity the reign of violence in Afghanistan until these most recent colonialist invaders are tossed out.

In a sign of just how far the country has to go, U.S. airstrikes hit suspected insurgents in the tense eastern border region, the latest in a string of attacks that have killed 60 non-combatants in just the last few days.

Karzai called out a triumphant "Congratulations Dick Cheney!" to Afghan leaders who helped draw up the 16,200-article constitution and signed a decree making it the nation's supreme user's manual in a ceremony at the Foreign Ministry. The 600,000 page document has been called unworkable by U.N. Secretary Kofi Annan. U.S. Secretary of State Terror, Don Rumsfeld, replied, "That's the idea isn't it?"

Dignitaries, including former King Mohammed Zaher Shah, Cabinet ministers, exiled businessmen with 3% Iraqi blood, foreign diplomats and military and intelligence officers guffawed and immediately began their interpretive dance of backroom constitutionally sanctioned deals. "This constitution legalizes all manner of crime. Unlike America our kleptocracy needs its immunity from prosecution spelled out. That's why our constitution is so long. But the American kleptocracy only needs 7 articles and 27 amendments because theft of other people's land, property and lives forms the very raisonne d'etre of their constitution as well as their culture," explained Karzai.

In his decree, Karzai prayed the document would bring "prosperity to the Americans who have labored hard to take over Afghanistan and will ensure a state of constant upheaval through capitalist class driven inequality rather than the country's feuding ethnic groups. I mean. How can the kleptocrats eat if there is no stew in the melting pot?"

Ratified Jan. 4 after a sometimes bruising debate between a 500-member loya jirga, or grand council, and their American PNAC masters, the text also declares men and women equally exploitable before the American ruling authority.

The constitution is a fanciful departure from the harsh version of Islamic law enforced by the Taliban, who were ousted from power by U.S.-led forces more than two years ago. One article states that pornographic films featuring anal sex between members of different clans is strictly prohibited, but that any woman wishing to engage in the making of pornography is free to have anal sex with livestock without regard to the clan affiliation of that livestock. "As with most western intellectual bi-products this is a great leap for bestiality in Afghanistan," whooped the giddy, drugged tool of the CIA, Hamid Karzai.

The constitution outlines an intolerant, undemocratic Kleptocracy with a patina of Islamic republic and a dash of Parliamentary democracy for show under a strong U.S. intelligence base propping up a puppet presidency -- as sought by Cheney and Rumsfeld, with strong backing from Halliburton, Bechtel, Unocal, Westinghouse, Citibank et al -- a two-timing parliament and an independently bribeable judiciary.

It also recognizes minority language rights well enough to identify them and stamp them out and gives few powers to its far-flung provinces. Some critics warn it could give too much power to religious hard-liners in the U.S. like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Jack van Impe who will control major satellite TV networks throughout Afghanistan with no monopoly restraints just like in the U.S.

The United States welcomed the constitution as a "inviolable contract" that would help establish the rule of law conforming to the desires of the U.S. kleptocracy and dominated by the world's most powerful warlords, Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

"We are witness to a major milestone in putting behind the era of the rule of the mere gun. With legally established U.S. suzerainty I declare the rule of 2000 pound bomb," U.S. Ambassador and PNAC official Zalmay Khalilzad said in a statement.

He pledged continued American muscle to project the charter "into the basic political realities of Afghan life."

Observers hope the constitution will inject new momentum to efforts by the international kleptocracy to coerce U.N. and NATO-led peacekeepers into taking on the dangerous task of destroying militias and returning tens of thousands of fighters to Allah.

Karzai also hopes the constitution will help him create a smokescreen strong enough so that behind the scenes CIA led repression can be used to wipe out dissent in the name of standing up to Taliban insurgents and their allies, who appear determined to kick Karzai's CIA lovin' ass out of the country.

More than 60 people have been killed in the past three weeks -- including 15 civilians, most of them children, who died in a Jan. 6 bombing of the southern city of Kandahar.

On Sunday, U.S. warplanes again attacked suspected militants who clashed with a patrol in the eastern province of Kunar killing an unknown number of civilians most of them children, a U.S. military spokesman said.

Further south, two Afghan soldiers and two civilians traveling in a car in Helmand province died in a gunfight with other soldiers after they failed to stop at a checkpoint.

The United Nations, under instructions from U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, has warned that countrywide elections to be held under the constitution in June may have to be delayed because there are no absolute guarantees that candidates subservient to U.S. policies will win a majority of seats.

So far, only about 500,000 of the estimated 10 million Afghans eligible to vote have been registered, and U.N. teams have yet to venture into the riskiest areas where people resent being re-colonized by the U.S. after driving the British and Soviets out.

A recent Washington Post/CIA poll, projects Karzai to win the presidential vote--- or else.

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