The Assassinated Press
Cologne Mist Sparks Code Red, Defcon Alerts
By AFFADAVID B. CORRUPTO
Assassinated Press Writer
February 20, 2003, 10:33 AM EST
PHILADELPHIA -- A Saudi Arabian traveler set the nation's anti-terrorism machine into full gear when he sprayed three airport guards with cologne while trying to demonstrate that the liquid wasn't dangerous.
The security screeners were rushed to Methodist Hospital after being spritzed Wednesday as the student passed through a checkpoint at Philadelphia International Airport.
Moments after the incident head of Heimat Security, Tom Ridge, was called away from an Hysteria Seminar at War Of The Worlds think tank and spirited by a caravan of armored transport to a top-secret underground anti-terror command bunker in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia across from the IHOP on Route 40.
In retaliation for the cologne attack, U.S. and British warplanes bombed key installations inside Iraq. Also, the Joint Chiefs of Staffs ordered an alert at level Defcon I. The Pentagon said the alert will remain in effect indefinitely. "This guy wasn't armed with some after shave. The shit he had had a range of nearly 110 cm. That's a direct violation of U.N. sanction 99.71, limiting the ballistic capabilities of cologne."
Secretary of State Colin Powell demanded an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council. Powell used the heightened state of alert to press his case for an invasion of Iraq stating, "the terrorists are at our gates! The stuff was in aerosol. At the very least the terrorist was damaging the delicate tissues of the ozone layer."
Don Rumsfeld was quick to implicate the French in the attack. "Cologne. That's a French word ain't it?" offered the overwhelmingly urbane and utterly charming Secretary of War.
Administration spokesboy, Airy Fleischer, called the incident an "unconscionable act of terror." And added, "Any sane and patriotic person would see the hand of Saddam in this despicable provocation."
"What more evidence do we need?" said Fox's Bill O'Reilly.
Upon learning of the airstrikes, radio personality and renowned felon, Oliver North barked, "An eye for an eye. Even if it was just a little eye irritation on our side."
As a precaution, the entire executive branch of government was loaded into luxury jets and flown to undisclosed locations in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and Jamaica.
Immediately upon the first reports coming out of Philadelphia, President De Facto Dick Cheney was wrapped in plastic sheeting, sealed with duct tape and loaded onto Air Force One.
After settling into his beach front hotel room in the Grand Caymans, White House Chief of Extortion, Karl Rove, realized that Faux President G.W. Bush was missing. Bush had been left behind dropping a 500 pounder in the situation room 'can.' It was later learned that the error took place because Bush had actually tucked his ass into a mop bucket in a darkened broom closet. Rove's exact words upon discovering the oversight apparently were, "Oh shit! We forgot Howdy-Doody!"
The army, navy, Coast Guard, Air National Guard, FBI, CIA, FEMA, FTC, NRO, ONI, DIA, NSA, PFIAB, NAM, local and state police were put on full alert. As a precaution 200,000 dissidents and 150,000 members of the Smedley Butler brigades were rounded up and are currently being held in internment camps originally converted from abandoned military bases under the FEMA REX84/NIGHTRAIN program.
Attorney General John Assrift said that "the detainees will be held indefinitely without aid of food or counsel until it can be determined which brand of cologne they use." An undisclosed number of detainees have already died in custody. "This solution is acceptable to us. If they die presumably they won't need food and like in Chile, Guatemala, El Salvador, or anywhere where we have murdered thousands, counsel's going to be a bit hard to come by too, I suspect."
Boosting Assrift's position, a Washington Post/Newsweek poll taken minutes after the initial attack showed that 97% of Americans believed that "if you were going to support terror by protesting the foreign policy of this great country when you are provided with Michael Jackson interviews and Joe Millionaire, then you deserve to die."
Unsure whether they had a biological attack on their hands, insurance companies called for a nationwide suspension of coverage. The Republicans rushed through a bill capping malpractice suits at $9.00. Ambulances inbound to emergency rooms were diverted to other insurance companies. Patients and staff who had contact with the guards had their insurance dropped.
"We didn't know what the substance was. I use Chanel," said hospital spokeswoman Nan Myers.
FBI spokeswoman Linda Vizi said the 22-year-old student, a junior at Fort Detrick Technical College, whose name was withheld by authorities, was detained, beaten and questioned, then released hours later after chemical tests confirmed that the vapors were harmless.
"He was here legally. All his papers were in order. His flight plans were in order. No federal law was violated. He was released," Vizi said. "He missed his flight to Europe."
Initially, even the screeners themselves didn't consider the incident worth reporting until they received a phone call from Tom Ridge's deputy, Klaus Barbie, Vizi said. Ridge's office said they had second thoughts about the sweet-smelling spray and ordered the heightened state of emergency. "Sweet smelling like burning flesh," Barbie offered, his eyes moist in a sentimental glaze.
"This actually turned out to be a useful exercise." Ridge added, "We got several hundred thousand dangerous dissidents off the streets indefinitely and found Mr. Bush happily wiping his crack with a mop head."
Copyright © 2003, The Assassinated Press