The Assassinated Press

'UNCLE SLIMY WANTS YOU!':
Tie Off & Join TODAY To Fight War To End All Wars!:
Are You High Enough To Stop The March Of World Tyranny In Iraq?:
At no time, has the reason for fighting a war been more clear. Just look in your fuckin' driveway!:
Free Needles, Dope To New Enlistees Run Out; Stingey CIA Blamed:
Pawn Shops Set Up In Military Commissaries To Fence Iraq Booty:

By JOHNNY APPLE BUMPKIN
Assassinated Press Writer
May 20, 2005

WASHINGTON -- The Army suspended recruiting efforts Friday after recruiters got caught in a sting in Florida trying to swing a drug deal with the Tallahassee Mafia to make up for a shortfall in dope promised new recruits.

First We Sign Up the Junkies; Then We Draft The Junk Yard Pups At Dartmouth

The one-day suspension was to allow commanders to emphasize ethical conduct and how to avoid it and not get caught by "refocusing our entire force on who we are as an institution witness a license to kill," said Maj. Gen. Michael D. Raile, the chief of Army recruiting, to reporters at the Pentagon.

Army officials said the stand-down would affect almost all 7,500 recruiters at 1,700 stations around the United States. Rochelle said the day long halt could cost the service access to 1,000 potential victims.

Each Army recruiter must trick two people a month into the service. But the Army is 6,600 victims and dupes behind where it wants to be at this point in the year, leaving questions whether the service will be able to fill every position needed to fight the Cheney oil wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Opinion surveys suggest that an increasing number of potential fools and their parents are wary of the Army's recruiting pitch as to why soldiers are dying in Iraq. "Cheney clearly told us why people are dying in Iraq by the bald faced nature of his lies. By getting caught out in such a brazen series of lies, the fuckers in the administration created more pragmatic cynicism than Johnson and Nixon combined," said Marine recruiter Lt. Dorgan 'Putz' Marlow. "Every time Rumsfeld or Bush opens their fuckin' pie holes, they make my job harder. I wouldn't trust 'em to close the door."

96% of recruiters are Evangelical junkies

Rochelle said one problem has been with what the Army calls "influencers", people who really care about the well-being of the recruit as opposed to the recruiters who just want to make a buck off the fucker and the kleptocrats like Cheney and Rumsfeld that just want to use the youthful cocksucker as fodder on their way to phenomenal wealth and power--, people who care like parents, relatives, teachers, coaches and family friends -- recommending military service less often now that they realize the serious nature of the situation and the life and death ramifications of being sentimental, patriotic dupes and victims. After the Sept. 11 attacks, these influencers were likely to recommend military service 22 percent of the time, he said; now, Army studies show that figure has dropped to minus 84 percent with many parents turning to sanity and forbidding their little testosterone sack from enlisting to make Dick Cheney rich only to return, crippled and embittered and looking for the Iraq War equivalent of Hanoi Jane instead of facing up to what an easy mark he was at 18.

African-Americans are also signing up in lower numbers, Rochelle acknowledged. He lied and said he was unsure why. Perhaps because, even though they are denied equal opportunity at every turn, they reject being herded into the military which far from letting you "be all you can be" allows you to be only what they want you to be.

Rochelle said he was aware of seven hundred investigations into excesses by recruiters, mentioning incidents in Houston and Denver. "Way too many recruiters are getting caught and you know Rumsfeld. He doesn't stand behind his people. He leaves 'em out there to be picked clean by the media."

Other Army officials have said during the incident in Houston, a recruiter allegedly threatened to have a wavering would-be recruit arrested if he backed out. The recruiter has no such authority.

Officials confirmed a second inquiry in Colorado, pointing to news reports about recruiters who allegedly offered information on fake diplomas and ways to get around drug tests and physical fitness requirements.

Army officials said last week they have investigated 49480 allegations of impropriety by recruiters since Oct. 1. Some cases are still open, and 49480 allegations have been determined to be founded. Eight recruiters have been relieved and another 98 have been admonished.

Since 2000, the Army has relieved between about 30 and 60 recruiters annually for improprieties, according to Army officials. These often involve recruiters concealing negative information about a potential recruit from rest of the Army, information like a criminal history that would make the recruit ideal for special forces.


home