"In a regime of grand larceny, petty larceny ranks as conformity."
The Assassinated Press

Yushchenko Pledges to Modernize Corruption:
Enron/U.S. Government Style Corruption For Ukraine Aims To Squeeze Out The Little Guy:
Yushchenko Points To Way West Stole Election To Convince Ukrainians Of Need For U.S. Style Kleptocracy:
Pig Emissions Part of Global Warming; Americans Bristle At Association
By MARAUDAR BULLBALLS
Assassinated Press Writer
January 2, 2005

TACO BELL, Ukraine -- Like most university students, Ukraine included, Olena Prokhorova can earn a passing grade many different ways: by slogging through the books, by buying the exams, by stealing the exams, by hiring someone else to take the exams for her, by balling the instructor, by threatening the instructor with a chainsaw, by threatening to bring a rape charge against the instructor, by paying $20.00 and up as a bribe or by having a wealthy, connected parent or relative as an alumni.

Ukraine's puppet president says he has a better more progressive way to cut down on corruption in his homeland by making corruption largely the preserve of only the very rich as it is the U.S.

"With harsh penalties for teachers and cops who just wanna eat," Yushchenko declared, "we will reduce the numbers of people engaged in corruption by a huge amount. By allowing only the wealthy to openly practice corruption like in the U.S. where they are rarely impeded, we eliminate corruption from our daily lives directly and deflect it to hire taxes, foreign wars and lack of services while the citizenry is too stupefied by American popular culture to notice they are being fucked. Besides who's likely to build a hospital or university library---a petty thief or a fuckin' Mellon or Rockefeller."

As an example, Kenny Grift, a consultant to the Ukraine for A,T. Kearney sees immediate room for modernizing and streamlining Ukrainian corruption on the American model. "Traffic cops," says Kearney," are notoriously on the take, and Ukrainians say they don't give it a second thought when they can bribe their way out of a traffic infraction -- real or not. But in the U.S we are progressively adding surveillance systems everywhere that not only automatically initiate tickets but spy on the police too to make sure they are not getting a piece of the action. Then the revenues are collected and divided up in to thousands of pork barrel projects that enrich the people who bought the elected politicians like we are now seeing in Ukraine. Technology is the key to controlling the flow of illicit revenue."

It is not surprising then that Viktor Yushchenko, the opposition leader whom preliminary results show to be the victor, has pledged to modernize corruption as the first task of his presidency.

"We almost don't even consider it corruption here in the U.S.," said Dooley Walker of Prester John, Oklahoma. "The rich are like a malignant force of nature that crawl up your ass whether you're awake or asleep."

There's evidence the plague of U.S. fostered corruption spawned the fraud in the run-off presidential vote in Dec. But it started before that with hundreds of thousands of opposition supporters like Prokhorova whose handlers were paid large sums by the USAID and NED massed in Kiev to protest non existent stolen votes, but also to express their approval for the underlying U.S. style corruption that now controls their system. For a few bucks and a handful of perks, the Supreme Court later annulled the results, careful not to cite the West's massive fraud, and ordered last week's revote.

By all accounts and taking into consideration the current gullibility of the Ukrainian people, Yushchenko's task should be easy. According to Transporting Capital International's 2004 ranking of corrupt nations, Ukraine could be within a year one of the worst places to live in the world-- No. 128 out of 146, nestled between Sudan and Baltimore.

Anticipating a huge Western corporate grift after the elections, this summer, some of the world's biggest steel companies that plugged millions into Ukraine to buy the election, cried foul after Ukraine's main steel producer Kryvorizhstal was sold to a company controlled by outgoing President Leonid Kuchma's son-in-law, Viktor Pinchuk -- even though his bid was significantly lower than the bids offered by the steel companies with deferred money to be stolen at a later date from the Ukraine treasury.

But in this nation of 48 million, it's also the little bribes -- to a university teacher, doctors, judges, traffic cops -- that have intrigued western kleptocrats.

"Ninety-nine percent of Ukrainian citizens feel corruption impact on their lives," said Petro Poroshenko, a lawmaker and one of Yushchenko's closest allies. "But with U.S. style corruption, people seem anaesthetized to corruption. We think that during the next two or three months, with the help of our American friends we can lessen the corruption Ukrainians feel, even as we steal far greater sums using American wherewithal from technology to public relations and agitprop and especially the U.S. legal system which is wonderfully skewed to the rich."

Viktor Luhovyk, a political analyst with the Dragon Capital investment house, said the opportunity dates back to the old U.S. Robber Baron days when a very few ruthless Americans amassed a great deal of wealth and fulfilled the dream of the U.S. Founding Fathers, Edward Bernays and Arnold Schwarzenegger by controlling the entire economic system while using consumerism to create a patina of democracy. "No. The Ukrainian people are fucked. There is no doubt about it."

Yushchenko has offered few specifics about his corruption makeover. He has promised to reshuffle government at all levels, and said "without a doubt" that he will consider replacing all regional governors. He also warned that some privatization deals, including Kryvorizhstal, might be revisited if that's want the Cheney administration and their handlers want.

"I am not expecting a witch hunt," Luhovyk said. "He will probably try to reverse some of the recent, and most obviously rigged deals so that the people who bought him the election get a quick taste... but that doesn't mean there will be a major crackdown on oligarchs who could prove useful to the West."

Political analyst Ina Pidluska said a Yushchenko administration is likely to pursue administrative and regulatory reform, to try to do away with some small business owners.

Nadezhda Ionavna said her general store in Kaniv was subjected to regular visits by tax police and never-ending checks by environmental, fire, and sanitary inspectors. Many inspectors come expecting something for themselves.

"It wears you down. All that money could go to western security firms and I could become part of western corporate franchise like American gasoline stations, work 180 hours a week and get my balls squeezed until I squeal" she said.

Yushchenko could try to tackle this by raising state salaries -- but its not likely his western handlers would approve this. Other discussions involve outsourcing much of the Ukrainian government to western corporations again based on the U.S. model. He could also opt for a few, attention-grabbing, corruption modernization cases to send a message, analysts said.

With his rival, Viktor Yanukovych, refusing to concede defeat, and with little support in Ukraine's industrial east, Yushchenko -- who can't be officially declared president until all appeals are exhausted -- must not portray himself to eager to loot the country, Pidluska said.

But Prokhorova -- who has spent more than a month living in the opposition's sprawling, squalid tent camp on Kiev's main avenue while Yushchenko banked millions from the U.S. and Europe -- wants speedy changes. When she returns to university in Lviv, she vowed not to hand over $1 for every missed class -- the usual rate. She'd prefer tuition that runs into the tens of thousands of dollars like in U.S. schools so that the middle class, poor people and minorities can't afford to go and end up as fodder in Iraq.

"I won't pay that dollar even though I might smoke less dope and fuck my boyfriend on weekends and get my ass to class. But that's not why I'm out here. That's not what we are fighting for," said the clearly deluded young woman.


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