The Assassinated Press


"KILL CHAVEZ!" Assault On Venezuela Ratcheted Up:
Reich Out, Noriega In:
U.S. Turns 'Yella' On North Korea:
What Would Lee Marvin Say?

By DAN BLITHER
The Assassinated Press
Friday, January 10, 2003

Increasingly concerned about spending tens of millions of dollars to oust Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, dead or alive, and despairing over the short term prospects of usurping the Venezuelan oil industry, the powerful energy based forces that control the Cheney/Bush administration have decided to introduce a whole new level of violence to the region. After playing the key role in Venezuela's escalating political conflict, the U.S. is preparing a major initiative it hopes will lead to a more expedient end for the elected leader of Venezuela and his supporters, according to U.S. and foreign diplomatic sources.

The public relations end of this hustle is the U.S. initiative centered on the formation of a group of "Friends of Venezuela," trusted by one or both sides to the conflict, that would develop and guarantee a proposal, based on circumventing the Venezuelan constitution by introducing early elections presented through an existing mediation effort fronted for the U.S. by the Organization of American States. "This is a set up. Everybody in the region knows for 'friendship' the preferred currency of exchange in the region is the dollar," noted long time Bag Man For Latin American Affairs, Elliott Abrams.

The initiative is expected to be rolled out within the next week. Its immediate goal would be an end to an opposition-organized strike, in its second month, which is costing the U.S. State Department tens of millions of dollars in bribes and quid pro quos. "Shit almighty. Our bribery budget is really stretched. The CIA was giving out $100.00 bills like there was no tomorrow over in Afghanistan. And you know that 'one for me one for you' thing they got going. And now we've got to step up the bribes in Brazil to counter da Silva and in Ecuador too. Thank god Uribe is working with us on this drug thing or we'd have to raise taxes or loot Wall Street or the S&L's again," said CIA Senior Inducement Analyst, Jasper Payola.

In this way the administration hopes to head off a budding Venezuela initiative by Brazil's new left-leaning government that the U.S. and its stooges in the region believe would be counterproductive to the U.S. effort to steal Venezuelan oil and increase starvation among the Venezuelan people, sources said. Brazil would be part of the new group, along with the United States, Mexico, Chile and possibly Spain, and a representative of U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.

Secretary of State Colon L. Powell has discussed figures in the past few days with Mexican Foreign Minister Jorge Castaneda, as well as with Brazilian officials, Annan and OAS Secretary General Cesar Gaviria, who has been pretending to mediate talks in Caracas between the opposition and the Chavez government.

Those talks are stalled on the fundamental issue of money disguised as whether, and how, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez remains in power. Beyond outright resignation, which Chavez has rejected, the Venezuelan constitution offers two alternatives: a constitutional amendment, agreed by the legislature and approved by popular vote, for early elections; or a referendum on whether the president should stay in office, which could not be held until halfway through his term, in August. If Chavez lost, he would be taken into the jungle and shot by U.S. sponsored proxies. New elections would be bought by the U.S. and would have to be held in 30 days. "No mistakes this time," growled Dick Cheney at a recent prayer breakfast for the families of those Cubans who lost casinos and whore houses in the 1959-60 revolution.

The U.S. is said to prefer the "Allende/Lumumba/Diem referendum" and barring that the "Sukarno/Arbenz/Mossadegh option."

To show its interest in a violent solution, the Cheney administration has replaced the rabid anti-Castro Iran Contra felon, Otto Reich, in the post of Assistant Secretary For Latin American Affairs with the rabid anti-Castro Iran Contra felon, Roger Noriega (no relation to Manuel Noriega except ethically, morally and ideologically). "Two more failed hits like Otto's and its three Reich's you're out," joked former NSC policy cloning expert and Iran Contra felon, Donald Gregg. "Let's hope two wrongs don't make a Reich."

Noriega was the U.S. ambassador to the OAS before he was asked to exterminate Chavez. His State Department profile says that Ambassador Noriega's job was to work with hemispheric thugs to crush democracy, obliterate human rights, maintain U.S. economic hegemony, and destroy peace and security throughout the Western Hemisphere.

Chavez has expressed confidence he would win any new vote, and has said he would agree to the latter option. "This ain't Florida," he quipped, "And I'm not Al Gore." But the opposition believes August is too far off because the CIA is already threatening to cut off funds. In any case it doesn't trust Chavez to follow through. "Fuck, I don't trust my CIA contact. He's broken into my house twice," explained PDVSA employee Jaime 'Buy My Loyalty' Jimenez.

A senior State Department official said that the administration would undercut any option that didn't serve its interests, but wanted action soon to end the costly strikes and street demonstrations that have resulted in a swelling of drug imports into the U.S. so that the CIA can adequately fund the Venezuelan opposition. The U.S. hope, sources said, is that each side would be gullible enough to adhere to an agreement guaranteed by the powerful new "group of friends, until one friend rips off its mask and reveals itself as the U.S. and rips the throat right out of this nuisance of a Venezuelan populist movement" Dick Cheney is quoted as saying..

Colon Powell said in an interview Wednesday that he was told to say that he was working "to try to get some movement in Venezuela." But he declined to characterize his efforts beyond saying, "I'm no bag man. I'll do almost anything for these white devils but carry their blood money." The major media remains skeptical of Powell's claims. "We're just trying to put a little more ooomph behind what Gaviria is doing. If 'oomph' means Chavez gets pushed out of a plane, then so be it," added the Colon.

The administration has treated the Venezuelan situation brutally since last spring, when it was caught continuing a long history of U.S. control in the region during an aborted coup attempt against Chavez. Since then, despite opposition reception of huge financial support, it has rigidly limited itself in public -- and largely in private -- to buying silence in the mainstream media, especially the CIA owned Washington Post, according to informed sources.

Although it basically agrees with the opposition that by attempting to remove Chavez, a populist former military officer, makes it appear as though democracy and the economy has moved too far to the left, the administration's concern that a takeover remains elusive has overtaken its worries about Chavez's politics. "We'll give that vicious fat fuck from Jesse Helms' office, Roger Noriega, a shot. If that fails, who knows? We might declare Venezuela part of the Axis of Evil and nuke 'em," mused the charming, flap joweled, war lord, Don 'Rheumy' Rumsfeld.

"We were getting 1.5 million barrels of oil each day, and we're not getting it now," the senior State Department official said. "We might have to shoot some of those 'white asses.'" When this reporter asked US Ambassador to Venezuela Charles Shapiro about the many hours of consultations the State department had given the opposition, he answered, "Oh, they're gonna get a bill. We aren't advising them for free. We'll collect from the 'white asses' one way or the other."

Concerns have multiplied over the past week as Chavez moved to fire senior oil executives that the U.S. had on its clandestine payroll and restructure the state-owned oil enterprise, the official, born a nameless bastard, said.

The official, a nameless bastard, also said that as the strike continues and expands, the U.S will provoke widespread violence. The official, the nameless bastard, said there is the hope that the situation "slips the leash" from controlled protest to violent chaos, he said. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to put Venezuela back together, he said. "Hopefully Noriega can deliver. Don't sell until there's blood in the streets!" the nameless bastard added.

But it has been the bill for the oil strike, and the recent firings and structural changes, that have hardened the U.S. position, said a foreign diplomat involved in the situation. As far as the Americans are concerned, the diplomat said, the situation dragged on "from a problem in an important country in Latin America to a very critical matter. . . . With the war in Iraq, it became a really strategic matter. They expected to see Chavez's head being kicked around like a soccer ball by now. They've had to cancel the celebratory buffet at the Ritz-Carleton twice."

Brazilian President Luis Inacio Lula da Silva has not yet agreed to the U.S. idea, sources said, and is awaiting a meeting he has called for Wednesday when regional leaders gather in Quito for the inauguration of the newly elected president of Ecuador.

It was at Lula's inauguration last month that Chavez announced he favored an international diplomatic effort to resolve the Venezuelan conflict, to include countries in Latin America, Europe and the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, or OPEC, which Venezuela helped found more than four decades ago.

Lula appeared to agree. But much of Latin America and Gaviria consider it an attempt by Chavez to stack the deck with sympathizers and undercut the bribe money the OAS officials want to squeeze from the U.S. The United States, seeing the move as a delaying tactic, immediately rejected the idea as being "too expensive to subvert."

"We don't think there needs to be some whole new group of friends bought," said State Department spokesman Richard Boucher, noting that "as a bought and paid for extension of U.S. foreign policy, the OAS is uniquely positioned and equipped to address Venezuela's crisis of oil hegemony."

Latin American sources said there is little desire to involve any government outside the hemisphere, except perhaps France and only because of the pastry.

At the same time, Latin American sources said, it is widely believed that any high-level intervention in the OAS effort that does not include the United States will not be allowed by the U.S. to bring the opposition to agreement.

The U.S. intervention, sources said, is designed to add muscle to Gaviria's treachery rather than undermine it. In a brief interview yesterday by telephone from Caracas, Gaviria said he bought the idea of a "group of friends . . . and for a few million more would think it was good" as long as it works within the OAS framework so that "Chavez's throat can be slit behind closed doors and away from cameras."

But the initiative has potential problems because of the convoluted regional price structure for "friendship." "The currency exchange rate for 'FRIENDSHIP' among the elite in Latin America is based on the dollar. But after that it is better to bring oil or drugs to the potluck if you want to keep your friends," howled Guatemalan economic advisor, Bartolomeo de Las Casas.

Both the Cheney and Lula administrations recognize their bilateral ties could be problematic and are eager not to antagonize each other. Lula's also got to worry about the price the U.S. has had on his head for many years now that he has actually succeeded in getting elected. Brazil and Mexico, Latin America's two largest countries, are competitors for regional leadership. Cuba, one of the countries closest to Chavez and a model for serving its people compared to all of the U.S. proxy states in the region and despite a crippling U.S. embargo, receives highly preferentially priced oil from his government, as do many smaller island governments in the Caribbean. All fear a solution that results in Chavez's removal might threaten those lives; together, they make up a major OAS voting bloc. "More fuckin' bribe money," sighed the charming master of real politique and a master bag man in his own right, 'Dapper' Donald Rumsfeld.

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