The Assassinated Press
General William G. “Boynkie” Boykin Named to Head Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Boykin to Implement Move to All Christian Armed Forces.
Major Weapons Manufacturers Stripped of Contracts as Military Retools Around Biblical Principles.
700 Club and Saddleback Church Receive Majority of Revised No-Bid Contracts.
Swords, Daggers, Shields to Replace Rifles, Tanks, Manned Aircraft and Drones.
Jawbone of an Ass to Be Called the Glenn Beck 9000.
GAO Estimates Cost Overrun of Beck 9000 at $10 billion.
By GLEN BECK
Special to the Assassinated Press
In a clear move to placate Dick Cheney and the former Cheney/Bush regime, The Obama administration has brought fundamentalist Christian Gen. William G. “Boynkie” Boykin out of retirement and named him to head the Joint Chiefs of Staff replacing the effeminate and ineffectual Navy Adm. Mike Mullen.
Boykin immediately announced plans to continue the transformation of the U.S. military into a Born Again Christian force spearheaded by the uneducable and unemployable youth of our Christian underclass.
“Christ Were Agin Book Larnin’ From the Jump.”---Glenn Beck
Boykin told this reporter that his Christian Armed Forces “needed only one book, one manual, one code of conduct, one girly mag, and one engineering text book to defeat the minions of Satan.”
And That’s the Bible
“Fuck the Axel’s of Evil, he said.” We got axels’ too and I presume we’ll have the wheel. We’ll take it to ‘em,” the portly Gen. cried.
“We don’t need no fancy, godless, Satan worshipping atheist engineers from Stanford and MIT,” the general added. “We need a boat. Fuck. We got Noah. Anti-personnel fucking weapon, we got David. Siege weapons, Josuah. And instructions on buildin’ parapets and walls and the like. Not to mention Samson’s development of an ass’s jawbone as an effective and deadly weapon of war. From my days at the Pentagon I can assure you there is no shortage of them asses and their jawbones.”
As expected recruitment soared with the announcement as the Christian undercalss realized they would not be required to master the complex weapons systems of the former atheist armed forces. “Thank god now I don’t have to learn the M16 or the M243 SAW with my third grade education,” said new recruit Ezekial Galilee Spinefickle. “Now, I just gotta figure what end of the spear to throw.”
Jesus’s War Machine
Even as we speak the nationwide Christian community is gearing up to provide our brave crusaders with the biblically correct weapons to subjugate an evil world unwilling to do Christ’s bidding and turn over their water, oil, natural gas, coltan and other precious resources to our betters.
But there are problems. Bible Tech Industries owned by a consortium of fundamentalist Christian churches already has told the Boykin military that production of its Glenn Beck 9000 Jawbone of an Ass will be delayed by a dispute with McDonald’s and Amazon. Amazon which had originally contracted to sell the ass meat on-line marketed as ‘democracy patties’ has backed off claiming they were assured that the other bones of the ass would be ground into the burgher as well as any feces and undigested cud. Bible tech has been studying ways of turning the larger ass bones into bible friendly weapons like clubs instead of grinding them up.
McDonald’s too is hedging its offer claiming that their contract stipulated that all waste within five square miles of the slaughter house would be incorporated into the patty to add “a bit of flavor and character to the meat.”
“There’s a pig feces waste pit and nuclear waste dump just down the road from the slaughter house. McDonald’s can’t understand why Bible Tech can’t go the extra mile and churn that waste into the ass meat. Certainly, Halliburton/KBR would have done that for us when we had joint contracts to supply meals to our brave Christian soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Yemen and the 100 fucking other countries they’re sitting in,” McDonald spokesman and retired Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld said. “Dick woulda seen to it.”
However, Home Shopping network has expressed interest in the ass meat. The Network has sought the services of portly pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church as spokesperson. The Network intends to offer 100lbs of ground as meat for the ‘special offer’ 6 easy payments of $199.99. “It’s usually people, that can’t do the math, coincidentally the same Christian underclass that fights our wars and buys the shit we sell on QVC,” QVC CEO Michael George.
So far GAO puts cost overruns for the Beck Ass Bone at $10 billion or $6500.00 an ass. Bible tech has discovered that the ass bone has a tendency to crack, break or even shatter when coming in contact with a speeding bullet even when accompanied by prayer.
Clement of Alexandria says, that Christ being risen from the dead, communicated the gift of science to James the Just, John, and Peter, and that they imparted it to the other apostles forming the first Christian Science Advisory Board.
Still, Boykin insists on the Christian purity of the military: “The military don’t need no brains and ith me it won’t have them. The military like Christ must use muscle. We don’t need no Jew, atheist scientists fuckin’ with the minds of our god and worthy christian underclass and puttin’ all kinds of ideas about godless technology in their ignorant little heads.” Boykin said. “If god had wanted a christian to take orders from a Jew he woulda made him a Muslim.”