"Take my arm. Take my leg.
Oh, Rummy, don't you take my head."

The Assassinated Press


Multiple Amputee Finally Succumbs to Wounds:
Head Shot Takes Life of 'Miracle Marine':
Wife Shoots Marine As He Goes Anal On TV Interviewer:
Marvin Minsky: Prosthetic Head Just Weeks Away:
Prosthetics Are So Advanced Self-Mutilation On Rise In Military:
Gulf of Tonkin+WMD=60,000 American Corpses and Counting:
Rumsfeld: Americans Don't Need No WMD Canards And FUX News Network Lies. They're Just As Capable Of Terrifying Themselves As They Are Of Lying To Themselves

By VANCE BEAZZDIK
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Sunday, January 11, 2004

Fort Trumbo, Texas---No one at Fort Trumbo Marine Base questions whether Maj. Berry 'Mac' McCackle had the right stuff to burn down hooches, run raw opium, strafe fleeing unarmed goat herders or interrogate aid workers with extreme prejudice. He had seen action in Vietnam, Lebanon, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Panama, Grenada, Iraq in 1990, Somalia, Serbia, Afghanistan and most recently was back in Iraq. And he had left a little piece of himself at everyone of imperialism's recent whistle stops. He lost his right arm and a nipple in Vietnam. His nose in Lebanon. An ear each in Nicaragua and El Salvador. Panama had claimed his left eye. Grenada his right. While under orders from Barry Macaffrey to wipe with the Geneva Convention, he lost his left arm to 'trigger mortis' while blasting away for days at fleeing unarmed Iraqi potential POWs along the Basra Road. He left his right arm on the barren slopes of the Khyber Pass in Afghanistan, the smack tracks still visible, when the land mine he was setting accidentally went off. As a peacekeeper in Bosnia, he lost his right eye in what can only be described as a drug deal gone tragically wrong. He caught belly shrapnel in Somalia. Finally, his nuts, which he had come to rely on for ballast, were pateed by friendly fire from an Apache Attack Gunship in the oil derby to Mosul.

"Take my arm. Take my leg."

But each time, within a matter of weeks taking advantage of the marvels of the modern prosthetic art, Major 'Mac' was able to return to active duty and even the front lines. But modern science couldn't save Major 'Mac' after his wife of 35 years emptied a 9mm Glock, an anniversary present from her husband, into the back of his jar head after she caught him bent over the hood of his prized 1966 cherry red Chevelle slant 6, boring the musket of universally respected journalist and anchor, Dan Rather, during an interview at their quaint but personable Fort Trumbo home.

Getting His Sea Legs

But the state of prosthetics is so advanced now that artificial limbs like those maunfactured by the Sea Leg Company of Fort Dogrash, Texas are far superior to real ones. Some Sea Leg artificial legs come with a digital sound system or miniature TV mounted in the calf. An entire entertainment center can be embodied in a bionic calf. Bottle openers and electric can openers as well as wrench sets, wet bars, video recorders and lock picking kits can be incorporated into the space/volume of the Sea-Leg. Some legs convert to umbrellas while others are used as built in putters requiring one simple adjustment. Of course, some artificial legs fire as many as 500 rounds from the area at the tip of where the big toe would be. "These legs are better than the real thing. I think I'll have my legs removed cosmetically and replaced with a pair Sea-Leg 8000. You can always upgrade," said robotics and computer genius Marvin Minsky. Though the legs still lack a sense of touch, women have seen so many macho movie protagonist have their flesh stripped away only to reveal a cross between a centrifuge and a Babbage calculating engine, that they find the artificial limbs somehow arousing. And there's more on the horizon.

"Shit! Another month and I could have replaced 'Mac's' head," claimed Minsky. "Better than new and certainly better than his old wetware. Recent research has revealed that the human brain is nothing more than a large sack of pork rinds connected to a servomechanism. Some day soon Americans will have perfectly functioning body parts removed in order to have them replaced with a superior artificial version." In fact, the field of cosmetic organ and limb replacement, called substitutive anatomy, is well advanced with the wealthy opting to have entire legs or motor systems replaced by precisely conforming artificial ones. The field of surgical gammology is so popular in some parts of the country that waiting lists exist and states are competing with the DOD for federal funds. "Also, my replacement head is the size of a turnip," enthused Minsky. "Its a real hit with the women because you can cram your whole knob up her woncha."

NASCAR pit man and robotics genius, Hans Moravec, said, " I was involved in bolting all kinds of body parts to 'Mac', changing fluids, milling his block. He always appreciated the NASCAR speed and efficiency my team brought to the operations, he was so eager to get back out on the track and run down anything that got in his way. And we made sure we got him in and out of the pit faster than an IPO fraud."

"His bionic eyes was state of the art," said the robotic simulation of Norbert Wiener, the deceased father of cybernetics. The robot which lives in a corner of the women's toilet at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Studies (there hasn't been a woman there since Lisa Meitner lectured in 1951), continued, "I hear the missus blew out both eyes when she pumped nine rounds into 'Mac's' fully functional organic head. Have you read my novels? Don't you think my naivete and unworldliness drives the whole discipline of cybernetics just the way Bucky Fuller captures the imagination of passive white victimizers. Maybe, I should have gotten out more?"

"Oh, baby, don't you take my head."

"Fully functional organic head, my ass! That wack job, Minsky, is a piece of wet work in his own right," yelped Mrs. McCackle when she heard Weird Wired Weiner's remarks from her Calhoun County cell. "'Mac' hadn't been right since the left eye transplant gave him ommatidian vision. After that he run up to anyone he saw and try to sting 'um with his ass. It wasn't long before he mounted a bayonet up his chocolate whizzway and started stabbing the neighbor dogs by sitting on them. I know the Marines and the International Association of Advanced Robotics and its affiliated union, the International Brotherhood of Robots, count 'Mac's' behavior as anthropomorphically acceptable, but that's cause they just want to keep getting that basic research money."

"Everything was artificial on 'Mac', even his love cannon. His ass was two silicon breast implants rejected by Maxi Mounds as being too small. I mean, it is amazing how science can retread used organic military parts and in conjunction with processors and prosthetics get a bionic chump up and running again. It was just after the honey bee eyes Mac crossed the line between man and machine and had truly morphed into the ideal marine. When I saw him raping Mr. Rather something snapped. Even though Mr. Rather seemed to be enjoying having his whizzway waxed and though he did seduce 'Mac' with his unctious, half-constipated, martyrdom of St. Sebastian smile, and $2000.00 suit, 'Mac' had no right to hump such a revered American icon without a blood test. I coulda caught some terrible disease Rather was spreading. I mean, worse than his saccharine and dishonest journalism."

"Nationalism Is The Measles of Mankind; Its Most Infantile Disease," Said Albert Einstein--- Especially When It's Airborne

He has already logged more than a thousand hours shuttling Dick Cheney from oil claim to oil claim, Laura Bush, Cabinet secretaries, members of Congress, foreign heads of state to the far corners of the Earth, and God knows how many kilos of the world's best hashish in those diplomatic pouches, all for a modest fee and 10% of whatever deal the kleptocracy was about to cut.

The only question Air Force brass has, five years after Maj. Andy Killemfromonhigh was grounded by a sex toy accident, is whether his new artificial leg has the right stuff to match his penchant for charming the kleptocracy with his middle one.

"They took my leg away from me. I want it back," says Killemfromonhigh, who hopes within the next few months to become the first above-the-knee amputee to courageously bomb women and children from high altitudes for the Air Force. "I'll be the first half a man to kill innocent people from above 10,000 feet."

"Who took your leg?" Asked this reporter. "Well, the Iraqis," he answered. "Wait. Wait. Didn't you lose your leg on the draw and quarter Marquis de Sade arcade machine at Le Clubbe Inquisitiones, when you forgot to put a token in the 4th pulley?"

Killemfromonhigh responded, "With my prosthetic, I can run. I can kick. I can put a shaft of titanium 20 inches up your ass. I can ride a bike. I have to use crutches when I take my leg off, but otherwise I can do anything a person with two legs can do except shave it and toe fuck."

Until last year, most U.S. servicemen who lost limbs while on duty received compulsory thanks but no thanks discharges in return. But thanks to breakthroughs in high-tech prosthetics in the last few years, the enormous flow of new customers generated by the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions and ambitious retread programs being developed at Walter Reed Army Medical & Automotive Center, utilizing surgical techniques developed by NASCAR, amputees like Killemfromonhigh are beginning to fight their way back to active duty, often with their commanding officers cheering them on. "It's fuckin' nuts. But the torrent of new victims has brought costs down and made it economically feasible to put our assets back in the field where once we just parked them behind their local bus station and said Adios. Why do they want to go back? We suspect its the leg. The old timers like Major Ella Freeman Sharpe think its the lost penis thing but that would seem to be contradicted by the fact that so many amputees request breast implants. Male, female, auto-reproductive. These can be some conflicted puppies. Its all quite visionary. But if these fuckers want to save us the trouble not to mention the money of training new chumps and go out and get their asses whittled away some more, why shouldn't I cheer them on. Better them than me," said Secretary of State Terror, Don Rumsfeld. "Now, we tell the boys that if you ain't got a prosthetic you don't know what you're missin'."

"This Is A Whole New Freak Show"

"Would Americans be surprised to learn that a grievous injury, such as the loss of a limb or being born without a brain, no longer means forced discharge or disqualification for the highest office in the land? I dunno," President de Jour Bush said last month during a visit to Walter Reed. "Oh. That wasn't a question, Karl? But then who put the question mark at the end of the sentence? I did? Oh, yeah. That was my entire contribution to the speech. Guess I fucked up. Anyway. Read; read; here.---In other words, the medical care and the recovery process are so much in sync with the economics, now that we're getting about 1000 boys a month that get fucked up, we can actually turn a profit on wiring these guys up and sending 'em back to get another chunk blowed off. I say use 'Sargent Stumpy' right on up-- like a pencil. This is a new age, and this is a new Army. And this is a Whole New Freak Show if you haven't figured that out yet."

On Sept. 4, Navy Lt. Juan Alvarez became the first amputee helicopter pilot to return to active-duty flying status, just a year after the gunship in which he was traveling crashed in an Ecuadoran jungle on a routine drug run. He has since transferred to the Air Force and now flies giant MH-53 Pave Low in operation Coke Air out of Hurlburt Field in Florida using a high-tech, below-the-knee prosthetic. "We can't fly the shit into Homestead anymore. Jeb's coke shuttle is making air traffic control over there a nightmare," added the seasoned Alvarez.

A few weeks ago, Army Spec. Garth Stewart returned to active duty with his mortar platoon in Fort Benning, Ga., just six months after he lost his foot in a mine blast on a Baghdad highway. His prosthetic is now engaged in combat training as his unit awaits word on when it might return to Iraq. "When they said mortar, I thought they meant he was a Bricklayer Spec. 4. I figured he'd be building prisons," said his commanding officer, Captain Rudyudd Kindling.

And on Dec. 10, Marine Sgt. Christopher Chandler parachuted into history books when he became the first serviceman to graduate from the Army's "jump school" with a prosthetic leg and a high school diploma. He actually found his missing leg next to him after he regained consciousness from his jump. Chandler, who lost his left leg below the knee two years ago when he stepped on a land mine in a poker game outside of Kandibar, Afghanistan, was picked by his fellow jumpers as Most Likely...

"There is no reason amputees shouldn't be able to get their asses back into combat in a matter of days. When your parts more resemble a jeep than a human that's how you should look at yourself. These guys should reflect as little as possible. You never seen an Abrams tank reflect. The last U.S. weapon that reflected a lot was the M-16 and because of that it 'froze up' when it was fired and was a liability. That's why we try to teach these little fuckers to be machines even before something fleshy and tactile gets blown off their bodies. That way when we turn 'em into erector sets they are, in actuality, being retrofitted for their nature as we shaped it," says Elliot Weintrob, a Fairfax prosthetist who fitted Killemfromonhigh with a first-of-its-kind, computer-aided "Sea-Leg."

Advances in microcomputers, hydraulics, plastics, ordnance, miniaturized electronics, land mines and the invention of carbon fiber have made prosthetic arms and legs far more necessary, he said. Some are positively bionic: Myoelectric arms and hands, though prone to short out and produce spasms, can receive instructions from the brain by way of electrodes that detect electric impulses shooting through carefully controlled sphincter muscles. "You can literally have your innards lying in a steaming pile in front of you like linguini in clam sauce and we'll have you back in the field in 2 weeks," chirped Weintrob. "Christ! Major McCackle's large intestine is an old Hoover vac hose attached to a microprocessor. I think Ed Teller used to vac his tool shed with it."

Last year, manufacturers were able to integrate a motorized elbow, wrist and hand for the first time, allowing for one fluid arm motion instead of three sequential actions. One new type of motorized hand is sophisticated enough to fist fuck a nursing sow.

And the U.S. military is picking up the tab for the high-tech prosthetics, which can cost up to $80,000 each, though, after that, 100% of the cost is being picked up by the U.S. taxpayer including the amputee and his family. Companies such as Otto Bock, the German-based maker of the Sea-Leg, are giving the military first priority and a 10% bulk discount because if "it wasn't for the bottomless greed of the U.S. kleptocracy we would have gone belly up. Now, they lop off the limbs of millions and our bottom line improves," said Bock CEO, Heinie 'Stubs' Himmler, a former butcher. Dick Cheney owns 500,000 shares of Otto Bock stock that's now held in a blind trust that Cheney personally blinded out of a lack of trust.

War has also improved the resources available to companies selling new arms and legs. After the fighting began in Afghanistan, Walter Reed received $2 million from Congress in 2002 to create a state-of-the-art amputee sales program. "The colorful brochures are just a pleasure to browse. And there's so much choice. The Commonists countries like Afghanistan, they only got one size leg and it looks like a detour cone. But in America we got legs that you can break down your preganant girl friends door and kick the shit out of her with," mused Colonel Gerry Stansfield who, though legless and left with the mind of a four year old after years in the military, leads a battalion of peace keepers in central Iraq.

The flood of young soldiers and Marines who have lost limbs in Iraq has roused the staff at Walter Reed to push the envelope on rehab, but not on ethics, as their patients insist on doing much more than play wheelchair basketball and performing experiments on frogs in hopes of learning how to regenerate limbs. The most sought after author by the amputees at Walter Reed is German Lamarckian biologist Paul Kammerer.

Prosthetics---It Just Feels Right

'Mac' McCackle should not only have our admiration, but his demise should serve as a cautionary tale. If prosthetics teach us one thing, it is the age of robots cannot come to soon. As mathematician and computer inventor, John von Neumann, said, "Genius's like me seem aloof and poorly socialized when compared to the average man. But, in reality, if mankind is to succeed in eliminating itself from the planet, it must first dispense with the common man through nuclear annihilation, war, sentimental films, popular culture and disease. To this end my colleagues and I have worked tirelessly. The day when we have painted mankind and all organic life into the proverbial corner to quickly wither away cannot come to soon to fulfill our robot dreams."

When reflecting on the heroism not to mention the sexual appetitties of a 'Mac' McCackle, we tend to forget that there are more profound and deserving sociopathies, possessed by men of uncommon intelligence and a lurid distaste for the human race that make the McCackle's of the world possible and, by extension, other things impossible. 'Mac' McCackle---patriot, experiment, hybrid, spatula, father, cog, husband, utensil, soldier, tool, warrior, erector set.

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