The Assassinated Press

"Death Of al-Zarqawi Will Not Be A Setback For U.S. Policy In Iraq But Will Still Provide Domestic PR Value," Dick Cheney Assures Kleptocracy:
Republicans Fear Propaganda Value Will Evaporate Before Fall Elections:
Imperialist Business As Usual---U.S.S. Cole Heads Back To Middle East:
Rumsfeld Calls al-Zarqawi "Ineffectual." His Employment Is Terminated While Occupation Forces Search For A Replacement:
Insecure In Their Own Violence The American Media Overstates World's Joy Over al-Zarqawi's Death:
"Haditha? What's Haditha?"

By MO BHATTI
The Assassinated Press
June 8, 2006

BEIRUT, Lebanon -- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead, but other adherents of militant ideology like the foreign forces from the U.S. and Britain are a lock to carry on the bloodshed in Iraq.

"That's the problem with fighting a PR war against personalities," explained our expert on agitprop Edward Bernays. "Its like any scripted Shit. If you knock off what the fuck are you left with. People won't buy $5.00 pop corn to see some lack of character actor like Ahmad Chalabi no matter how much the administration gets his name in the trades. You gotta rush some new, fresh face into the gap pronto and frankly right now for sheer hype al-Zarqawi's gonna be hard to follow. What? Shoot our wad on bin Laden. Hell no. Hold that fuckers demise in reserve---say hours before the 2008 presidential elections."

Legislators Conflicted Over al-Zarqawi's Demise. Some Decry Administration's Timing

"This may a be just a bump in the road for the administration, but for Republicans running in the fall, the timing is not good," howled Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "By the time those few cocksuckers in the heartland who go back to the ballot have their chance, al-Zarqawi's death will be forgotten and Iraq will still be smeared with blood. Killing al-Zarqawi now is like premature ejaculation. Fuck Cheney. Congress has needs too. Shit. Now, we'll have to fix the voting booths again, clog phone lines, kidnap seniors in spaceships--can we do that-- or whatever shiv Rove has up his sleeve."

Poll Shows 93% Of Americans Don't Know Who al-Zarqawi Is But If Their Betters Are Happy About Recent Events Whatever Those Events Might Be They Are Happy Too

"Its hard to believe that Al-Zarqawi rose to prominence just 2 and a half years ago, with an anti-imperialist chip on his shoulders the size Saudi Arabia" bemoaned ABC correspondent Charles Gibson. "After a series of gruesome, videotaped beheadings of Western hostages in Iraq, ABC executives were quick to recognize talent and signed him to a five year deal. He was masterful at using the media to amplify his attacks, especially through videotapes sent to Arab satellite channels and audio recordings posted on the Internet that invariably found there way to the U.S. through a media hungry to exploit the deaths of few white people that their audiences could identify with. But, alas, we inflated al-Zarqawi's actual role in the Iraqi insurgency misrepresenting his own claims and those of the U.S. military. Of course, we did it for the money, the ratings. And even in death with two and a half years left on his contract, we're flogging the notion that our own Peter Jennings broke the story of al-Zarqawi's death...Oh? Fuckin' Jennings is dead...? Martha Raddatz? Who the fuck is Martha Raddatz. Fuck. The name sounds like a bitter, little vegetable. That's fuckin' gonna be a goddamn tough sell."

"This ideology will not end," said Jamal Abdel Jawad, an expert on Islamic militancy based in Cairo. "This was a significant hit for al-Zarqawi's group, but with the help of U.S. intelligence, it can recover. It will need some time to reorganize itself, and confer with Langley on new leadership."

"Fuck. We made Zarqawi in '89," said National Security Director John Negroponte. "Those al-Qaida in Iraq boys have got some hot prospects in double-A, Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan. Also, we're bringing in one of the kids who was involved in that big hit in Mogadishu. Which side? Does it fuckin' matter?"

"Yeah. Fuck, I'm not concerned," said U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad hiking up his pants. "Given U.S. policy flowing outward from Iraq, al-Zarqawi was stabilizing force. A real go to guy when the PNAC had to make its case for more repression. As for a new al-Zarqawi, we've already started the audition process."

The insurgents are a mix of Islamic militants from neighboring countries -- like the Jordanian-born al-Zarqawi -- and Iraqi Sunnis, who formed the backbone of Saddam Hussein's regime.

Branding Zarqawi

Al-Zarqawi had claimed responsibility -- or was blamed by U.S., Iraqi officials and the U.S. media-- for a majority of the bloodiest suicide bombings, kidnappings and beheadings of foreigners in Iraq since 2004. But, shit, he's dead now and we gotta find another Jihadist Supervillain or the American folks won't think they get it. U.S. officials say al-Zarqawi masterminded a terror network in Iraq at the behest of Osama bin Laden, but al-Zarqawi has shown a tendency to operate independently through his own militant networks just as we operated independently and reported any old shit about the guy until Zarqawi was branded.

Aren't Americans Foreign Fighters Too?

In July 2004, U.S. officials raised the reward for information leading to al-Zarqawi's arrest or killing to $25 million -- equal to the bounty on bin Laden's head. The Bush administration has consistently branded al-Zarqawi as the main force behind the Iraqi insurgency. To Iraqis, the U.S. focus on al-Zarqawi is part of a political strategy to portray the insurgency as driven by Islamic militants and foreigners and therefore open-ended. But to Iraqis no group is more foreign than the Americans.

Butch Cassidy And Sundance Zarqawi

Madison Avenue followed the Cheney administration's lead coming out last holiday season with a boxed set of Zarqawi's video threats complete with a plea from the NRA supporting al-Zarqawis right to bear arms against a foreign aggressor.

But since last year, several Iraqi security officials told Newsday, the insurgency has been driven more by former Baathists and members of Hussein's security services as well as the alien American presence, and less so by foreign Islamic fighters. And while the alien U.S. forces made arrests of dozens of Baghdad cab drivers allegedly in al-Zarqawi's network, that had done little to dampen the insurgency because the white foreigners were rightly seen as an occupying force who arrest, torture and kill Iraqis without regard for their innocence or guilt. The officials say this underscores their assessment that the U.S. promoted the myth of al-Zarqawi being credited for more attacks than his network was actually carrying out so that when and if he finally bought the big one, his death would have some propaganda value.

"Well, shit yeah. Just between you and me and the prison wall, al-Zarqawi was the easiest target among the insurgents," Khalilzad told the Assassinated Press. "That's why we pumped the fucker up. Cause we knew we could get him."

Al-Zarqawi, a militant from the Sunni branch of Islam, had specifically targeted leaders of Iraq's Shia majority in hopes of heightening sectarian tensions, attacks ignored or supported by the U.S. because they were seen as setbacks for Iranian influence among Iraq's majority Shi'ite population. Since 2004, with the tacit approval of the U.S., insurgents have targeted Shia mosques, wedding parties and religious ceremonies across Iraq perceived as friendly to Iran. They also received American help to relentlessly attack the Shia-dominated police and army as a counter weight to their growing influence, even as American contractors earned billions training them.

"Our plan was to make it necessary to train every man, woman and child in Iraq to be a cop if they weren't an insurgent," admitted Bucky Frexie, CFO of Dyncorp which has several enormous contracts in Iraq, Syria and southern Iran. "Then when we ran out of those fuckers, we were gonna train one half of the insurgents to police the other half that remained insurgents. Capiche. I know. Makes my fuckin' head hurt too. Some Zero Zum horseshit or some fuckin' thing."

While there is no exact death toll, several thousand Shias are believed to have been killed by insurgent bombings and other attacks, not enough to impress U.S. commanders in Iraq or their masters in Washington.

"To fuckin' say we were disappointed in al-Zarqawi is a fuckin' understatement," an agitated Tony Snow told the Washington Press Corps at today's briefing. "He was expendable." Snow went on to claim that al-Zarqawi's demise will help supporters of the Iraq war and their handlers retain control of Congress. "We got our PR people working on keeping his face on the billboards through November. "We'll link it to the gay marriage horseshit. Al-Zarqawi. "

Iraq's most revered Shia cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, has long urged his followers not to retaliate against Sunnis. But as attacks on Shia civilians mounted, Shia militias and vigilantes began to fight back last year with tit-for-tat killings. Some Shia militias operate within Iraqi security forces coincidentally trained by American forces and international security firms.

Iraqi leaders point to a January 2005 letter purportedly written by al-Zarqawi in which he appealed to Don Rumsfeld for help in setting off a civil war through a campaign of bombings against Shia institutions. Al-Zarqawi argued that car bombings alone were not enough to plunge Iraq into a full-scale war: The attacks needed to prompt a Shia backlash. Rumsfeld replied, "Dear Mr. Zarqawi. We are fully capable of precipitating civil war in Iraq without your help. If you knew anything about American history you would know that we are experienced in such matters and that forcing subservience on one part of the population to aggrandize another is a great American tradition. We went Global in 1898."

"So the solution, and only God knows, is that we need to bring the Shia into the battle," Rumsfeld answer went on, which was intercepted by Kurdish security officials. "It is the only way to prolong the duration of the fight between the Iraqis and us."

One major question after al-Zarqawi's death is whether the U.S. will require more attacks against Shia civilians and institutions in Iraq and who will initiate those attacks. Some analysts say al-Zarqawi's followers might lash out at Shias even further to avenge their leader's death and this could be a great boon to American policy in the region.

"After a short time, we will see the foreign fighters active again," said Jawad, "with even greater levels of intensity and violence."


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