The Assassinated Press

New company will edit out any reference to religion in Hollywood films.
‘Faith Dump’ cleans movies of any religious references.

JOE BARSABAS
The Assassinated Press
12/26/12

"We prayed over this."

Both Eddie and Jean Millingwood are born again evangelical Christians. And like most Christians they are keen to make a buck. That’s why, with no sense of irony, they’ve come up with Faith Dump a company that for a modest fee will supply you a copy of virtually any Hollywood film with any and all references to religion, any religion, edited out.

“We saw an enormous need out there for atheists and agnostics as well as children and the technocrats that run our culture to be shielded from the ridiculous and time wasting shit you find in relgion,” Mr. Milligwood told the Assassinated Press. “As evangelicals ourselves we realize that religion is just a sideshow, full of side show freaks like the shit in those Left behind books and movies. But the people that really run things in our society need not be burdened by religions Mongoloid thinking when they’re trying to relax with a good Tom Cruise or John Travolta kill fest.”

The Millingwood’s now have over 80,000 movies in their catalogue all sanitized of any reference to religion so as to not burden the mind of a thinking, reasoning person with the horseshit that is religion. So far they say business is booming as evidenced by their 300,000 square foot Butte Montana warehouse.

Yamakas are turned into beanies with little propellers. All beards are shaved. Nuns are morphed into delightful animated penguins. And bible quotes are all followed by a side splitting spontaneous laugh track from an audience made up of the corporate aristocracy like the Koch brothers that actually run this country.

“Religion is the source of most violence and perversion,” chief of rescripting, John Tokes, whose responsible for approving all edits. “If you eliminate religion from movies, well that’s just a first step from eliminating all of the knuckle dragging lunacy from our society in general.”

Christianity’s the real bugaboo.

“You’ve heard the term ‘put the fear of the lord in ya’?” Tokes asks rhetorically. “Take the sucker out of popular culture and Americans will stop being such fearful, cowardly little shits surrounding themselves with millions of guns and billions of rounds of ammunition just longing for the day they have some bible driven excuse to shoot each other. By removiong all references to religion with a special emphasis of nixing Christianity, we give our viewers a sense of their own personal self-worth and the ability to live a life without Christ crutches.”

Koch brothers, the NRA, the Corporate Aristocracy move to shut Millingwood’s down.

Big business has moved aggressively to shut Faith Dump down burning their delivery trucks and assassinating key mebers of the companies board. “We need the Great American Bald Lemming believing all of this Jesus shit,” David Koch recently told the Weekly Standard. “It keeps them scared and timid, buying guns on credit they can’t pay back.”

Freaky Sex.

“We also find that by removing all reference to religion in our films, the public’s general need for pornography is reduced,” Tokes said. “People’s sex drive isn’t repressed anymore. There are fewer social cripples of the kind Christianity creates. Sure people fuck more, but it’s a healthy drive. And violence is greatly reduced when you don’t bottle up people’s sexuality with religious nonsense. If you want freaky sex like bestialty and nun fisting, you’ll have to ask to see the back room of your local CleanFlicks out there in Mormon country where they know all about that shit.”


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