The Assassinated Press


Election Day Dawns With Utter Predictability:
Kleptocracy Poised For Business As Usual:
American Empire Still Pouring In Hot Lead Around The World:
Introducing Military Draft Might Be Easier With Kerry

By ZBIG BALLZ and DERAFT BRUDER-MUDER
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Washington DC---After the longest and costliest campaign on record, President Bush and challenger John F. Kerry remained wholly owned subsidiaries of corporate interests deadlocked over who will get down on their knees and blow big business.

"Well, the Cheney/Bush cabal is always good for business, no doubt. But Kerry's got some advantages," commented Goldman Sachs Chairman Hank Paulson. "It would be easier to sell the draft with Kerry. Oh, a draft is coming. My bosses have already decided that. Our people have enormous stakes in Iraq oil and natural gas as well as killing Hugo Chavez and controlling Venezuela's oil, turning back these elected left wing fucks all over Latin America, keeping the Afghani's in line with a show of force, invading Iran, getting a piece of Lukoil when it collapses, and destabilizing China among other little projects. With the Bushfoon you could force conscription even though he and Cheney and their whole weasely little crew were draft dodgers. But with Kerry, you can always throw out that the patrician shit went to Vietnam, what's with you pasty white college boy. We're gonna need draftees and a lot of them, if I'm gonna satisfy my shareholders."

As the two blitzed through their final rallies in Florida, Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin and other states late into the night, a flurry of polls of CEOs indicated that they planned no adjustments to absorb a Kerry presidency. "Our drive toward world domination shouldn't skip a beat," said Paulson. "Oh, we might add another bogus domestic issue or two to the domestic agenda. You know bullshit distractions like school prayer and gay marriage while we continue to loot the world. And the domestic issue assholes will still be relatively fat and well-fed and won't credit the fact that we slaughter and enslave millions to keep them chunky and stupid enough to argue over comparatively petty shit. I think we're going to make breast implants among pre-teen boys a domestic policy issue."

Several of the kleptocratic polls were hog tied like the candidates when it comes to capital. In the others, the president led more often than the senator from Massachusetts, but by margins so minuscule -- a single point in some cases -- as to be meaningless in attempting to predict the outcome. The Carlyle Group showed a slight leaning toward Cheney/Bushfoon, probably because Bush's dad is prominent at the investor trough. But PNAC conflicts with the old steal through the Saudi despot guard kept it close. The only kleptocracy that seemed to openly favor Kerry was Kissinger and Associates because of the way the CIA is currently trying to fuck up their Great Game in China. The CIA, which forms a kleptocracy itself as well as numerous affiliations seems on the fence, since, despite the PNAC's Kalilhzad as capo/ambassador to Afghanistan, the Agency was allowed to 'Ol' Blue Eyes' the Karzai election there with notable short-term success. To further placate the Agency, their man, death squad organizer, John Negroponte, was named Capo Ambassador to Baghdad by the Cheney PNAC family.

"Well. If the truth be told, we're pretty happy with either of these mooks," said Paulson.

The first presidential election since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, and subsequent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan find the country as deeply divided as it was in the aftermath of the disputed 2000 election that put Bush in the White House. "Its too fuckin' bad we can't have an election after each disaster, even floods and hurricanes. Presidential elections a very distracting form of entertainment. A kleptocratic pickpockets wetdream. I mean, daytime TV is still the best way to create an ignorant, pliable, broke-ass population, but Rove runnin' the Monkey has been a revelation to me even after Reagan."

Karl Rove, the White House Chief of Stink, said, "Oh yeah. Say what you want, but the Monkey won and he's gonna win again. You don't have to make a Monkey feel like he's the center of attention or that he's even part of the team. You just have to have someone clean up after a Monkey."

The two campaigns don't disagree about the electorates in the battleground states, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both feel that the CIA did an excellent job making it appear Hamid Karzai won a plurality in Afghanistan when truth be told he can't set foot out of Kabul without having his head take up residence on a pole in a distant province. Iraqi elections also are seen by both parties in the wider context of a western technological utopia where microwaves, plasma TVs, Credit Suisse and other terra incognita to the average person, have long supplanted any scintilla of freedom that Americans may have once thought they possessed.

Whoever wins this election will face no significant challenge unifying the kleptocracy. An NBC News-Wall Street Journal poll asked CEO's, securities analysts, futures traders and board chairman whether they agreed or disagreed with the statement, "No matter who wins the election, America will remain open for business." Paulson was reported to have said when he heard the question, "Can you ask that without a laugh track?"


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