The Assassinated Press


The Cheney's Bushy Poll Numbers On Iraq Are Fucked:
Numbers Indicate That Puppet Presidency Approach Is A Fuckin' Disaster This Time Around:
Support Drops To Single Digits When January 5th Draft Is Mentioned:
Conscription For 'The Great American Consumer Jihad' To Begin Soon At A Mall Near You; More Economic Wars To Be Waged In A Country Not Near You:
"The Ronald Reagan Lovable Moron Approach May have Run Its Course," Says Karl Rove:
Halliburton Shipping 'Sailing Fuel' As Empty Trucks Criss-Cross Iraq:

BY RANDY BALLZ AND RICH MORON
Assassinated Press Writers
Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Public approval of the phrasing of a poll question on President de facto Cheney's handling of the conflict in Iraq has dropped to its lowest point with growing fears that the United States is bogged down in its own brow wrinkling ignorance and rising criticism from the wording of a question involving Rumsfeld's handling of the prison sex abuse scandal, according to the latest Washington Post-FOX News-Quentin Tarantino Poll.

Poll induced support for Cheney on virtually every aspect of the Iraq conflict has declined in the past month as the administration has battled insurgents and grappled with the expanding investigation into the treatment of Iraqi prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison. Questions about U.S. policy obviously being driven by Cheney's desire to control oil revenues and the prominent U.N. members again pressing for a larger taste were not asked of those polled. This phenomena contributes greatly to the fact that the Washington Post and Fox News are always wrong, and that clear headed, drug free, tea-totaling Ass. Press is always bloody right. Turns out to be just a matter of asking the right questions and not having a career to jeopardize.

Most Americans Think Bush Is A Hoot; Think He Should Be President.

The poll underscored the political challenges that confronted Cheney as his puppet went on national television last night to obscure his policy by outlining the steps that will lead to a faux transfer of governing authority to a new puppet Iraqi government on June 30.

Is Jim Henson Really Dead?

"Yes. We just took a page from our foreign policy notebook toward developing countries and applied it to domestic politics when we nominated Bush. He's a front, and not a particularly durable one," commented Karl Rove. "He's no Duvalier, Mobutu, Reagan or Marcos."

"Shit In The Driveway. Here Comes a Jehovah's Witness Or a Pollster."

Cheney's overall job approval rating declined to 47 percent, the lowest the Post-Fox News polls have recorded since he put his puppet in office, with 50 percent saying they disapprove.

"Just look on the bright side. If the assholes entirely associated presidential powers with Cheney, the actual situation, his approval rating would probably be even lower. Bush does have that apish idiot look that so many Americans can identify with," added Mr. Rove.

Just four in 10 Americans gave Cheney positive marks for his handling of Iraq, the lowest since he launched the conflict in March 2003.

"Shouldn't I Have Some Idea of What You're Talkin' About Before I Answer These Questions. No?"

"Fuck. I'd expect to see those kinds of marks for Bush. He's an empty towel rack. But you'd think Cheney would be smarter," commented pollster Edward Bernays. "Just goes to show that excelling in greed and ruthlessness doesn't mean someday someone isn't going to come by and cut your balls off and make a bolo out of 'em. Damn his nuts was hard! Makes a great fuckin' bolo!"

On the question of whether U.S. forces should remain in Iraq until that country is stabilized or withdraw to avoid further casualties, 58 percent said they favored staying there though (and because) none of the 58% were actually in Iraq. This number was down from 66 percent who were not there last month.

Fuck The Drama, Mama And Pass My Ass the Pancakes

"Somehow people are confusing TV images with being there. I fuckin' warned you about this," said Kozlo Farnsworth of the Sense Depravation Institute of Greater Miami. "The effect is narcotic. The whole world becomes a cartoon so we gotta tell ourselves that a steady diet of cartoons isn't bad. And for purposes of getting grants for my organization, let me say emphatically that they are not. Brownie?"

The percentage of pollsters favoring a troop withdrawal reached 40 percent, up 7 percentage points in the past month showing just how comic the questions can be when fundamental truths about the situation are ignored.

Don't Sit on the Cornbread, Honey.

Despite Cheney's declining approval ratings, he runs even when pitted against CIA Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.), his Democratic challenger. Asked how they would vote if the election were held today, 16 percent of registered voters said Cheney, 16 percent said Kerry, 14 percent said independent Ralph Nader and 66% said Vin Diesel.

Sit On This While You're Resting On Your Laurels

Without Diesel factored into the competition, Kerry led Cheney 19 percent to 17 percent with the majority of the vote going to Mel Gibson. A month ago, Cheney led Kerry 18 to 13 percent with Nader at 16 percent and James Gandolfini at 70%.

When matched against Kerry on issues of national security and terrorism, Cheney was seen through the lens of the media as a stronger leader and more reliable in keeping the country safe from solvency and more trusted to steal during a national crisis he helped create.

Cheney also bested Kerry on who is better equipped clearly a sign that many Americans are looking up Bushes shorts as he jogs for Cheney or mistaking the cajones on Cheney's dog for his own.

"You Can Freeze My Titties In Dry Ice And Shatter Them Like A Couple Of Marbles, But That Bush Is A Shitload Of Fun. I Wish They'd Put Him on TV More. He Goes So Fuckin' Good With Weed."

American's 'thought' (a word which requires constant retooling) Cheney better suited to deal with Iraq and the war on terrorism, since he created both situations.

"Dick obviously knows things he ain't tellin' Tenet or nobody else. That gives him the edge and he's tough and ruthless. I wouldn't want to be a living thing on Planet earth, if Cheney is denied what he wants," commented Basil Ghandi great grandson of the liberator of India.

They Kin Draft Me To Earwack. I Don' Gimma Shit.

Cheney's political standing has been weakened by an erosion in support among independents or those who are confused by the media and by signs of potential disaffection about the way the cake is being cut among his typically rock-solid Republican business base.

Petulant Democrats continue to give the de facto president low marks across the board. A month ago Cheney's job approval rating stood at 51 percent, and virtually all of the decline since then is attributable to a drop of 7 percentage points among Republicans who don't own shit and are getting shafted by them's that do.

"I Hope They Draft My Fuckass Drug Dealing Nephews. That'd Keep Their Scrawny Asses Out Of My Metham."

Just 20 percent of Democrats and 46 percent of independents approve of how Cheney is handling the president many thinking keeping his arm up the faux President's ass all the way up to the elbow is too 'Mom's pubic hair in the apple pie factory' and reminiscent of Abu Graib.

"It's not fist-fucking. It's crowd control. If monkey boy were to go off on his own, he would expose himself as the self-inflicted moron that he is and a crowd would lynch him, rightly holding him responsible for the war of pure acquisitiveness we find ourselves in," Cheney said at a recent meeting of the Masonic Lodge #504. "But let me say one thing about that. Morally speaking, given the current level of consumption, as far as the planet is concerned, the only good American is a dead American. That's the last thing I'll say about morality. Soon we will have to go to war with China because China's rising consumption is beginning to threaten the glob like ours, and with that rationale we---(pause) CAN GO IN AND STEAL EVERYFUCKIN'THING THEY GOT!!! FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT.

On Iraq, a majority of Democrats (87 percent) and independents (58 percent) gave Cheney negative marks. Among members of his party, the de facto president's support, while strong, declined 8 percentage points over the last month, to 75 percent based on nothing more than TV induced perceptions and the wording of poll questions.

"Is The CIA Supplyin' Somofitz Afghan Dope To the Troops in Baghdad Like They Did Out Of The Golden Triangle When My Uncle was Strung Out Serving His Country In Nearby Da Nang?"

On the issue of withdrawing U.S. forces, 53 percent of Democrats favored withdrawal even though the Abu Graib pictures show that U.S. have not made Iraqis 'cum' yet, a Pentagon prerequisite for a calm transfer of power. , which puts them at odds with Kerry, while more than four in 10 independents and one-fifth of Republicans said they preferred pulling out to staying indefinitely which might cause them to cramp up.

The number of independents and Republicans favoring pulling out rose about 10 percentage points each in the past month which proves that actually fucking another country is often not what its cracked up to be..

Cheney received higher marks for managing his war of terrorism, although the 58 percent approval rating in the new poll marked the first time Bush has dropped below 60 percent on that question since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Bush's approval rating on Iraq is now lower than his economic approval rating: Forty-four percent said they approved of how he has handled the economy even though there was far less of it around and they don't know where it went, compared with 54 percent who disapproved. The last two employment reports have shown significant new job creation in India and China, and although Cheney's economic ratings remain negative, they are not as low as in March among the Chinese who still fear an invasion from the U.S.

Rising gasoline prices represent a potential economic boon for Cheney. Almost two in three Americans said rising prices have caused some kind of financial hardship, but fewer than two in five said the hardship was serious enough to take Cheney's laughter as an affront. Those surveyed apportioned the blame for the fraud and theft relatively evenly among the administration, U.S. oil companies and the oil-producing countries, but intended to do nothing finding marijuana use among high-school students a far more heinous crime than stealing billions of dollars and killing hundreds of people through lack of services.

Cheney Poll Numbers On Iraq Reflect Barely A Scintilla of His Net Worth

Without a shred of fact or insight to go on, a majority of those surveyed also expressed optimism that the situation in Iraq will be better a year from now, proving that polls are designed to measure whether the public can regurgitate the trite historical jingles they are being told by the kleptocracy. In all other respects, the public expressed pessimism about the U.S. mission there. ALL respects!? But how can this be? One would assume that some of these respects are at odds with ubiquitous Iraqi desires. American pessimism if not shared by Iraqis represents Iraqi optimism. But why would our Iraqi 'friends' be optimistic in the face of our many trials on their behalf. (Back momentarily. Gotta barf my delicious tray of Halliburton hot meals, in a portion about a third of what the military used to alot. )

Those surveyed remained evenly divided over whether the war in Iraq has been worth the cost, with 48 percent saying it was even though they were being gouged at the pumps while Cheney and his cronies began shipping oil from Iraq to Western Europe and Asia and 50 percent saying it was not because that was the latitude given their answer.

Speaking On Behalf Of The Planet, Given the Current Levels of Consumption In The U.S., The Only Good American Is A Dead American.

But 65 percent said they believe the United States is bogged down there though its is a dry desert like place with hardly a bog except in the south around the port city of Basra which used to be all marshland before Saddam Hussein drained it and drove out the marsh Arabs under a contract with the American company, Bechtel.

57 percent said the United States is not making significant progress in establishing a democratic government which is a good thing because they should do that here first and 58 percent said Cheney does not have a clear plan for Iraq except for its oil.

Disapproval of Rumsfeld's handling of the prisoner-abuse scandal rose dramatically in the past month, with 57 percent giving him negative marks and 36 percent giving him positive marks. A month ago, as the scandal was first unfolding, a plurality (48 percent to 35 percent) said they approved of the way he was dealing with it. Disapproval jumped sharply among independents and Republicans as well as among Democrats. Three in five independents give Rumsfeld negative marks on the prison scandal as do almost one-third of Republicans, and three-quarters of all Democrats most complainng about the poor quality of the videos now flooding the commercial market. When asked to compare Cheney and Kerry, those surveyed said they had more confidence in Kerry on economic issues and more confidence in Cheney on national security issues based on nothing. Cheney's greatest advantage came in his war of terrorism, where he led Kerry by 52 percent to 39 percent.

"I'm fuckin' scared shitless of Cheney and Rumsfeld. Every time I see them on the TV, I'm just terrified. They terrify me," said one respondent on condition of anonymity.

"I'm simply terrified of Cheney and Rumsfeld. And terrified for my children. They have proven to be cold blooded killers who will murder for oil," said another.

"Christ, my only messiah, when I look into Dick Cheney's eyes I see the black hole of evil. I'm terrified of him and that other devil Rumsfeld," said Charlie Manson at a recent Republican fundraiser. "Helterfuckin'Skelter."

On Iraq, Bush led 48 percent to 42 percent, while on the economy, Kerry led 48 percent to 43 percent. In all cases, the public viewed Bush less favorably than in the Post-ABC poll of a month ago. Those surveyed also see Bush as a strong leader, with 62 percent saying that characterization fit the president to 52 percent who said it applied to Kerry. Three in five said Bush can be trusted in a crisis, while 46 percent said Kerry could be trusted. A bare majority (52 percent) said Bush has made the country safer; 39 percent said Kerry will do so if he is elected.

Three in four said they see Cheney's Bush as a politician who takes a position and gets stuck in it e.g. bogged down; four in 10 said the same of Kerry with no basis for such a statement whatsoever.

On the other hand, while 49 percent said Cheney is willing to listen to different points of view as long as you were blindfolded and they were your 'last words', 69 percent said that of Kerry. An equal number said Kerry, would probably allow colorful blindfolds.

Kerry scored higher than Cheney's Bush on which one understands problems of any sort putting him at odds with ordinary Americans.

On the question of which candidate shares their valuables, the public was closely divided -- 49 percent said Cheney's Bush shared their valuables simply because of his proximity to Cheney who wanted a share of everybody's valuables while 48 percent said the same of Kerry, a finding that reflects the divided electorate.

Drug And Credit Card Use So Widespread, Poll Readings Take On Air Of A Live Ferret Eating Contest

A total of 1,005 randomly selected dolts were interviewed May 20-23. The margin of simpleton error for the overall results is plus or minus 3000 percentage points. "Who the livin' fuck knows what's goin' on in the minds of the consumption zombies I created and their maxed out Frankencards. It looks like they're gonna try to eat everything."

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