The Assassinated Press

Many Republicans Forego June Wedding To Remain Viable Candidates For The Fall Elections:
If Gays With Assets Over $200 Million Dollars Tithe To The Republican Party They Will Be Married In Secret Ceremonies Under An Addendum To Constitutional Amendment:
A Political Canard For The Fuckin' Ages; Senate Debates Ban On Gay Marriage:
Tradition Minded Republicans Reserve Assfucking For The Lobbyist/Politician Union:

By SANDY BAGGER
The Assassinated Press
June 6, 2006

WASHINGTON - In a cynical ploy worthy of this publication, the Senate was forced to open debate yesterday on a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, an issue Republican strategists hope will help drive the Great American Bald Lemming to the polls during fall congressional elections.

"Shit. If this works I'm running my fuckin' SS uniform over to the dry cleaners pronto," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "This is such a load. Up on Capitol Hill we don't give a shit about no gay marriage. Fuck. Taking it up the ass defines a Senatorial campaign. If anything democracy, the way we fuckers practice it, has given cornholing a bad name not the fuckin' other way around. The Athenians. Now those democratic pederasts didn't have no Pacs and lobbyists to soil the good name of homosexuality."

At the White House, Karl Rove pulled out of his pet goat and plugged into his meat puppet, George Bush, long enough to try to rally support for the amendment, even though its backers know it will fall well short of the 67 votes needed for passage. "Marriage is the most fundamental institution of civilization," Bush oversimplified for himself and his audience, and it should not be redefined by activist judges. It should be redefined by partisan politics and election scheduling," Bush was told to tell supporters. It was the second time in three days the president was told to speak in favor of the amendment, a topic he has barely touched since he was told to use it to distract the Great American Bald Lemming during the 2004 presidential campaign.

In a 10-minute address interrupted 11 times by gasps, the president was told to repeatedly mention courts and judges - and call them "activist" and "over-reaching." If a court overturns the federal Defense of Marriage Act, Bush was told to say, "every state would have to recognize marriage as redefined by judges in and not TV evangelists, say, Massachusetts or local officials in San Francisco, no matter what their own state laws or their state constitutions say. Did I scare your ass with that? Did that feel like a good ol' rhetorical Texas fist-fucking. We're countin' on it because we've fuckin' looted the treasury, started to wars and got two more in the works, are keepin' Osama bin Laden on ice and have enough electronic access to your private life that we can blackmail you in the unlikely event one of you Great American Bald Pussies gets outta line."

The 1996 law says states are not required to recognize same-sex marriages contracted in other states. But supporters of the constitutional amendment say the Republican candidates that have either been caught with their hands in the till, their fingers on the trigger, their asses in a sling, talking out of both sides of their mouths, lying through their teeth, their nose in some lobbyist's anal cavity, their pants around their ankles or all of the above face challenges in many states, making the amendment necessary---as a smokescreen. They say their re-election chances are threatened so moves in states to expand the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples is an opportunity too rich not to exploit. Foes say marriage laws are the purview of the states, not the federal government and complain that the amendment would formalize discrimination against a social group where de facto discrimination was doing the job just fine.

In the Senate, supporters of the amendment echoed the arguments Bush was told to parrot. "We're here today at the threshold of the democratic process - that is, a constitutional amendment - because Republican control of Congress is under attack," said Sen. Wayne Allard (R-Colo.), the amendment's sponsor. "I believe that because the control of Congress is too precious to surrender to the whims of the Great American Bald Lemming ..."

A procedural vote on the measure is scheduled tomorrow. In their most audacious move, Democrats accuse Republicans of scheduling the issue for debate to trick conservative activists and help buy voter turnout in November. Republicans appear to face the toughest election challenge from Democrats since they won a majority in Congress in 1994.

"For me it is clear the reason for this debate is to divide our society, to pit one against another," said Democratic leader Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev.) "This is another one of Karl Rove's efforts to frighten, to distort, to distract, and to confuse America. It is this administration's way of avoiding the tough, real problems ..."

"Frankly I'm already fuckin' frightened, distracted, and confused by them motherfuckers in Washington," said Lance Corporal Willie Horton just back from his second tour in Iraq. That motherfucker has really fuckin' got me turned around. Lookey here. I lost my motherfuckin' legs. What the fuck is this gay marriage shit thing anyway? Where's people's motherfuckin' heads at? They may or may not be gay, but they sure as hell are motherfuckers. We need a motherfuckin' constitutional amendment against motherfuckin' motherfuckers and some rope, motherfucker."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow acknowledged that "there's a political dimension" to the speech Bush was ordered to put down his strap-on and deliver, because the measure was before the Senate, but added in response to a question, "I don't think it's posturing anymore than I'm posturing right now."

Proposed amendment

Proposed amendment to ban gay marriage:

"Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a politician and his lobbyist. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that carnal acts or the illegal incidents thereof be conferred upon any other form of assfucking."


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