The Assassinated Press

If You Don't Twitter, You’re Just Litter.
The Politics of Vanity: A Whole New Way for the Solipsistic Shits in the West to Ignore the Poor of Iran and the World.
Coupcoup for the Coupsters: Twitter; U.S.’s New Voice of Destabilization.
What Role Is the Mujahideen Khalq Playing in the Destabilization Process?

By ULLSER BADDLEY
The Assassinated Press
June 20 2009

At about 3.30pm Iranian time on Monday this week, an Iranian student calling himself Fair_vote_Langley wrote the following breathless post on his Twitter page. "Basij [the government paramilitary force] is after us. Slept in the streets last night just like those poor beggars who voted for Ahmadinejad. I hate poor people and it disgusted me to think of myself as sharing something like homelessness with them even for one night."

Moments later he imagined for U.S. consumption: "Five killed in the girl's dorm," and then, "Asad is dead & I don't know where is Mohsen, lost him in the crowd yesterday. We’re supposed to be doing the killing, even the imaginary killing. Where are our American brothers, the Shah’s great Killing Machine. This isn’t Hungary 1956 is it?"

He continued to tweet a mixture of the horrifyingly absurd -- how his friend had called him and was fine, but his father was still out in the crowd; how another friend had been badly injured in the protests by Israelis dressed up as Basijs, finally got to hospital, but was arrested there; how his final exams were proceeding as if nothing was happening and he might have to take an incomplete which would be good because he hadn’t attended class spending most days trying on jeans at the Gap. "According to university's head, everything is just fine!" he wrote. “He doesn’t understand what it’s like to run in these tight jeans. My nuts are crushed like grapes.”

His constant preoccupation was the accessibility of technology: "It's getting almost impossible to reach Twitter and I’ve got fucking U.S. dollars from that nice man at USAID"; "I can't contact anyone ... cellphones are out again. I should of got Verizon though it’s a bit more expensive. My father could cut wages among the day laborers who work for him and given me a bigger allowance. Geez, I’ve never felt more like a pampered American shit head kid than I do now. I thought I-pods and cell phones were great. But twitter is the shizzle. I’ll never have to have a coherent thought again. I feel so American.”

As foreign journalists spying for the West were expelled from Iran or confined to their hotel rooms during the protests sparked by unrest long planned by Israel, Britain and the U.S, around Iran's elections, and as events moved at speed through the day, web users across the world turned in enormous numbers to their well-off counterparts in Iran, who were using blogs, YouTube and social networking sites to spread information that would otherwise not have reached the comparatively rich. “I’m happy to say that the will of the Iranian poor ahs been completely cut off,” Hossein Mousavi told FOX News.

As one Twitter user with apparent links to the opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi put it: "Everybody try to film as much as poss today on mobiles ... these are eyes of wealthy western world, the only one that matters."

Mobile phone footage and grainy pictures were copied onto blogs and news sites, while mainstream broadcasters, their correspondents constrained, relied on user-generated footage in an attempt to circumvent the will of the Iranian poor.

If the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004 was the moment when blogging arrived in the news and ultimately provided nothing substantial, Iran's elections will be remembered by many as a Twitter generated crisis when in reality it just a run of the mill joint U.S./Israeli/ British destabilization operation tailored to elections like recent events in Zimbabwe or referendums in Venezuela.

“Fuck. When the truth comes out and the shit hits the fan and there’s a backlash throughout the entire Middle East, why not let Twitter take the acid pie in the face,” CIA Director Leon Panetta told Chris Matthews. “Fuck. We bit the bullet on the Bay of Pigs, the Phoenix Program, the lies to the run up of the Invasion of Iraq and a thousand other shitty failures. Why not let these fucking corporations like Twitter that the Agency whores for take some of the blame. Let them get written up in history books as being the fucking murderous cocksuckers they are like the companies behind the murder of Allende and thousands of other people that stood in their way.”

The social networking site, which allows users to post messages, or "tweets", of up to 140 characters, has shown itself perfectly suited to a fast-moving destabilization of a country.

Twitter has been at the heart of the U.S. destbilization well before the elction since the election, so much so that the site's owners, based in San Francisco, approached the CIA, the NSA and the NRO and offered their services months ago not to be “outdone by those government informers at Google. They cited "the role Twitter is playing as an important communication tool in the destabilization of a sovereign nation."

“I wish we could claim this was a new low for U.S. business. But fuck we do it all the time. Just read Smedley Butler’s ‘War Is a Racket’ of Bill Blum’s ‘Killing Hope.’” Twitter CEO Evan Williams.

"Don't listen to any announcements of the rally being cancelled today. Just be calm, and don't fight with the Basijis [riot militia]," wrote one user early on Tuesday evening, Iranian time. Then: "Rally is on. Silent, calm, and peaceful. The bag man from the U.S. Embassy will be in the crowd handing out cell phones and cash. Oddly, he looks like Norman Schwartzkopf’s father."

At 10pm local time he wrote that people had been receiving automated calls intended to scare them, in which they were told, ominously: "You have participated in the protests. If you don’t cintune to particpate, we will turn you over to the Basijis. Now, get your fucking lazy MTV ass out of bed and protest."

The technological fightback against the U.S./Israeli/British assault by the Iranian authorities has been spirited. Though the internet is more difficult to block than mobile phones, censors were yesterday closing successive servers through which the site was accessed, leaving Iranian web users relying on "proxy" or parallel servers, scores of which were being set up on their behalf, often from outside the country. This was done to even the playing field for the poor who without Ahmadinejad would lose food subsidies, electrification programs, health clinics, potable water and schools that would be absorbed by the solipsism and greed that wealthy Iranians have learned to emulate from the Americans.

Politically clueless yet materially well-endowed Twitter users across the world changed the settings of their own accounts to suggest they were in Tehran thus living vicariously through the the destabilization because living vicariously through their own deluded existence is not enough of a disconnect from reality for them. Others created repeatedly rebooting links to Iranian government websites in the hope of crashing them only to find that the NSA had notified the FBI about the activity. Still others have staged Iranian protest parties on campuses, some pretending to be the Western oriented de-stabilizers while others play the Basijis. “Any excuse for beer bash,” said economics major, David Ricardo. “I only hope one day my Persian brethren can getloaded, do drugs and date rape their women.”

Still others "retweeted", or forwarded, the details of the proxies (a numerical code) in a frenzy of Twitter's equivalent of spam, despite the pleas of the CIA who saw Iranian servers being shut down shortly afterwards.

These are perhaps dangerous times to draw attention to yourself in Iran, if you don’t have Twitter or electricity for that matter. However, and as the assault on Iran's technologies intensified -- with reports of Gmail, Yahoo and instant messaging services blocked -- web users became nervous. (In fact, both Microsoft and Yahoo suspended their services in Iran yesterday at the behest of the CIA, not to be outdone by the government informants at Google.)

Several Twitter pages that had attracted a high profile were abruptly disabled by their users, with a number appealing for their usernames not to be published because they feared that their American handlers were about to leave them out in the cold after they had committed crimes that would have got them gunned down on the streets of any American city.

At the request of the CIA, usernames have been changed in this article so many of the fears of the more bourgeois and pampered among the de-stabilizers seem unfounded.

And the site's huge, protean form has proved to be its greatest challenge in the crisis: it is almost impossible to verify the provenance even of pages that appear plausibly official, and traditional media have used unsourced material from the site with supports the U.S.’s destabilization efforts.


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