The Assassinated Press

Jim Inhofe’s Power to be Out 7 to 10 Days Due to Storm.
Senator Wastes No Time Requesting Special Treatment As Millions of Locals Suffer.
Grandchildren Build ‘Igloo’ Out of Thawed Rancid Meat from the Family Freezer and Assorted Dead Pets.
By Process of Elimination Inhofe Blames Jesus for Global Climate Change.

By FUCK AWFF
The Assassinated Press
7/1/12

Senator James Inhofe stood on the front stoop of his Fox Hall, Washington DC home fuming. Due to a powrrful storm of the kind becoming de rigueur in Washington DC his power had now been out for nearly two days and there was no end in sight to the outage with daily storms expected. Some in Washington may be without power until fall.

Standing erect in just a pair of tighty whiteys and swigging from a bottle of Sauza Scented Organic Tequila ‘Big Jim’ decried,. “I’ve demanded that PEPCO (the local power company) come immediately and restore my power. Fuck the beaners and jigaboos on the other side of the city. I want my cable porn back on so I can continue my research on health care and communicable diseases.”

“I want the person or persons responsible for this fuckin’ fuck up to fuckin’ pay. It can’t be them atheists. They’d say it was just nature. And there is no global warming. That’s a fuckin’ myth like all them other religions. I see a divine hand in this. So it must be Jesus. Fuck you Jesus!!” the obviously blitzed Oklahoma legislator bellowed.

And like an answer from god, a huge oak collapsed and split one of the Senator’s Mercedes XLs in two.And his two year old schnauzer, Gestapo, began circling the senator crazed by the crack of the tree at which ‘Big Jim’ pulled out a Desert Eagle and blew the dog to igloo fodder.

PEPCO: a Standing Joke.

What Jim doesn’t know is that PEPCO is routinely rated one of the worst utilities in the US. It has been ranked among the ten worst power companies in America for 22 years running.

Where’s that fucking igloo when you fucking need it. Eh, Jim.

Why don’t you fucking go back to Oklahoma where some Native American can get a clear shot at you and blow your brains all over the world’s second largest McDonalds?

Temperatures in Washington are expected to hover around 100 degrees until mid-September. The humidity in DC during the summer months rarely falls below 90%.. Under the best of circumstances you walk around basting in your own juices.

900 Chicagoans died in the heat wave of 1995. If such an event occurs here in Washington in the next couple of months one can only hope that Inhofe and his family are among the victims. And they go to a better place and stop working so hard to make this one a shithole.

And stop blaming Jesus for everything, Jim.


home