'You can be the first ones on your block
To have your boy come home in a box.'


The Assassinated Press


Bush: "I Won't Relent Until I'm Told It's Politically Correct & Expedient To Do So." Leads Guardsmen In Sing Along:
Plastic Surgeon Finds Crack Residue Lodged In Bush's Septum:
Bush's Nose Estimated To Be Worth $48.00 In Open Air Drug Market

By YASO ADIODI
THE ASSASSINATED PRESS
February 18, 2004

Fort Pork Barrel, La. - This time, there can be no dispute: President Bush showing the cajones of an armadillo at a Texas chili cookin' contest, or more appropriately a gopher frog at a Gumbo cookin' contest, showed up on Tuesday at the National Guard after being AWOL for over 30 years to fulfill his duties to that organization.

Snapping a sharp salute before jeering soldiers, Faux President and Week End Warrior, George W. Bush, put his non-existent credentials as wartime commander-in-chief on the line, nothing ventured nothing gained, yesterday after it was revealed some years ago that he ducked his military duty during the Vietnam War. The Secret Service squad that accompanied Bush began taking photos and asking the names of the servicemen who were jeering the loudest. Oblivious, Bush hopped on a table and with his feet firmly anchored in several plates of the guard's lunch, attempted to rally the Joint Readiness Training Center on the eve of its departure to Iraq with, "The week in weekend warrior is not spelt W-E-E-K. Its spelt W-E-A-K. Boy, I hope the 'Joint' in this names place doesn't mean what I think it does. I thought I smelled something funky when I walked in. I just thought it was Rove. Well, anyway this is some joint all right. Have you heard the one about the guy with five penises?"

Cheers of "USA, USA" and enthusiastic applause rose up but fell to a hush after Bush's opening remarks as he took the outdoor stage at this military base that has trained and deployed more than 10,000 troops to Iraq and Afghanistan since American kleptocrats ignored the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001 and went for the raw opium and oil..

"My resolve is the same as it was on the day when I was told about the rubble of the Twin Towers. I'm resolved to do what I'm told" Bush said. "I can not relent until Dick and his people have got all the oil and natural gas they require. And neither can you. Me they'll just kick in the ass and send back to Texas. But you. They've got John Assrift to take care of you. And that fucker can make it very unpleasant for you and your families if you get out of line. I mean the guy lost an election to someone his kleptocratic sponsors had killed. He lost to a dead man. Think how pissed off and spiteful that must have made him. He might as well have lost to a baked potato."

In a related story, a plastic surgeon contracted to do some work on the Faux President's deviated septum, discovered several rocks of crack cocaine stuck in the folds of Mr. Bush's septum. "These chunks of crack must have been there for years dissolving in a kind of time release," Dr. Jack Quincey told a receptive press. "They've been there so long because the rock was meant to be freebased but it appears that Mr. Bush snorted the material some the size of and texture of Martian pebbles." When asked by a skeptical Lesley Stahl how he could be so sure of the identity of the material the doctor answered, "Fuck, lady. This is the stuff I sold to put myself through medical school."

Bush's appearance provided an opportunity to emphasize that a genuine president would be involved in his national security responsibilities and leadership of the war against terror instead of photo-ops to cover-up youthful indiscretions of the privileged. While officials said the visit had been planned for several hours, it put the president in a friendly fire military setting after a bruising week. Bush did not dare mention the subject of his guard service yesterday.

Bush watched hundreds of members of a National Guard unit, the 39th Enhanced Separate Brigade combat team eat lunch. "Is that liver, son," Bush was heard to ask one week end warrior. "No, Sir. This here is marinated tofu, an Arkansas delicacy. Since they don't come from billionaire families like Bush, their unit ships out to its fate in Iraq in two or three weeks. Its members are from 10 states, mostly anxiety.

In interviews, soldiers with bravado which laid bare their fear and despair about going to Iraq, brushed off the flap about Bush's record.

Staff Sgt. Jim Lee, an Arkansas National Guardsman, said, "If I wasn't so scared, I'd tell you that it matters deeply to me that Bush is an obvious slacker. But I'm in a world of shit right now. Why should I tell you, Mr. Journalist, what I really think. You're just going to use me as shamelessly as Cheney and Bush. So for the record, I think that moron two tables over," pointing at Bush, "did his Duty as his class sees fit. We're certainly supportive of the president. It would take tremendous balls to face the truth. I'd almost rather get blown to compost in Iraq than admit that the world is as dirty and unfair as Bush makes it seem.. Call it pragmatic. Call it cowardice. I don't fuckin' care. We're all Guardsmen, so we're well aware that Bush is a liar. Bush would like you to think that when you transfer from one state to another, the records get convoluted. But its his story that's convoluted."

"I don't give a rat's rectum whether Monkey Boy over there did his guard thing or not. That's more for me to kill. They wouldn't take me in the marines, what with my problems with conformity, asslicking and authority and all. So I saw an add in the back of Soldier of Fortune and snuck through the backdoor into the guard. I thought I'd just end up shootin' some niggers or slopes in a riot in Little Rock. Then maybe join the police force. Now, I get to go Eye-Rack and shoot me ragheads to my heart's content. If Bush ain't got the stomach for it, who's to fault that. He's got Rumsfeld and Cheney. They love to do the wetwork."

First Lt. Jason Cannon, a soldier of the 2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment, who was wounded by a roadside bomb in Iraq, said, "I think he was AWOL, but then what does it matter what I think. They don't courtmartial their own kind. I've been in the Guard. He switched states. He might have been looking for a place to drill, but you heard him today. The little fucker probably got lost."

Bush had the gall to meet with the families of some soldiers who were killed in Iraq. Twelve soldiers assigned to Fort Pork Barrel have died in Iraq, including two killed by a roadside bomb last week, according to Paula Schag, a base PR person.

Bush reminded the soldiers that "many others had shared an interest in expressing the belief that WMD existed in Iraq. My administration looked at the intelligence information and we saw oil," he said. "Members of Congress looked at the same intelligence and saw a cut of that oil for themselves. The United Nations Security Council looked at the intelligence, and it saw that Iraqi oil had become like blood in the water is to sharks, and that they better stand aside while the American kleptocracy sated itself on another helpless Third World gob of chum. We reached a reasonable conclusion that Dick Cheney was more deserving of that oil than Saddam Hussein. We don't expect you common folk to understand the peculiarities and pathologies of the rich no matter how much E Channel you watch. Its a kind of Anti-Social Darwinism. But we would like you to take a long look at what we do to people who have something we decide we want. Now, go lose a leg for the Gumpster."

The guardsmen jump to their feet applauding, whistling and filling the mess hall with huzzahs. In a year or so, the lucky ones will jump to their artificial limbs, whistle through breathing holes in their necks and press a button to vibrate out a faint 'huzzah' after months of physical therapy and painful operations.

Then Bush led the troops--- in a sing along:

I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die-Rag(Vietnam Rag)
by Country Joe and The Fish

Well, come on all of you, big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
Yeah, he's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in Vietnam
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
Gonna have a whole lotta fun.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Yeah, come on Wall Street, don't be slow,
Why man, this is war au-go-go
There's plenty good money to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of its trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the Viet Cong.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Now you can go out and get those reds
'Cause the only good commie is the one that's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.

And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

Come on mothers throughout the land,
Pack your boys off to Vietnam.
Come on fathers, and don't hesitate
To send your sons off before it's too late.
You can be the first ones in your block
To have your boy come home in a box.

And it's one, two, three
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is Vietnam.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

mycopyrightorwrongass.pr04


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