The Assassinated Press
Poll Shows 89% of the Americans Think 9/11 Hijackers Were Iraqis; Rest Don't Know
Bush, Cheney Lie To A Grateful Nation.
Administration Rejoices In Figures.By YASO ADIODI
Special to the Assassinated Press
11/20/02A new Post/Newsweek poll has found that 89% of the population believes that not only was Iraq responsible for 9/11 but that the majority of the hijackers were Iraqi nationals and that Iraq is a fundamentalist Muslim country and not a secular state.
"The fact that none of the 9/11 hijackers was Iraqi and that 15 of 19 were Saudis, seems to have escaped the attention of the American public," said pollster Ivy Lee. "Not only that, but most Americans, 93%, think that Iraq is a fundamentalist Islamic state akin to what one might have found under the Taliban in Afghanistan or that might welcome Osama bin Laden."
Asked to comment, Don Rumsfeld said, "Fuck the American people. Their ignorance is willful. If they weren't so consumed by their material habituations, they'd stand up to lying, greedy shitfucks like me and the other people in this administration. But oil has made them weak and we control them. That's just the way it is, so why color it any other way. We own the little junkies."
Most pollsters place some of the blame on the factual malaprops of George Bush who can't keep the simplest distinctions straight in his public pronouncements. "When we hear Bush propagate his inanities, with the public exposure he's afforded, we pollsters think of the so-called 'Reagan Paradox' named after another moron propped up as chief executive. You're left with only two options. Either Bush really knows these simple distinctions and is lying in order to fool an electorate that is way to lazy and stupid to ferret out the facts for themselves. Or he's more ignorant and stupid than they are because he is literally surrounded by this basic information on a daily basis," said senior analyst, Edward Bernays. "In either case, ethical responsibility has been abdicated. Lies abound. And greed is paramount while truth has no coinage."
Asked if this confusion makes it easier for the oil lobby to sell the American people on an invasion of Iraq, Bernays said, "Fuck yeah! We found that people confuse Iran with Iraq. Afghanistan with Iraq. When asked if Turkey was an ally of the U.S. or Iraq and 88% answered Iraq. When we asked people if they would support Turkey becoming a member of NATO, over 95% answered no. We had to stop asking such trick questions. We laughed too hard. You can get people to go along with anything when they are this stupid. Throw in their habituation to oil and you've got an army of stooges."
Lee added, "We once asked the public to identify which substance gasoline was made from and only 52%, a little more than half, answered 'oil'. Now, that's a victim if I ever saw one."
"This is the virtue of a free press like our parent company the Washington Post. You can mention a fact once and allow it to disappear down the memory hole. But you can repeat lies and half-truths ad nauseam and in highly reductive, cartoonish forms so that an ever more media stupefied public can walk around with them in their heads like an implanted chip."
"Another trick question we stopped asking was whether the U.S. would be eager to invade Iraq if Iraq had no oil. Most people answered 'no'. But when we reminded them about the 'weapons of mass destruction,' they remembered what they were supposed to say and changed their answer to 'yes'."
We caught up with the pollsters on a busy intersection in Rockville, a suburb of Washington DC. Ivy Lee asked a young couple gassing up at the Sunoco station whether they thought the United States would maintain such a strong presence in the Middle East if there were no oil there. The man answered "No. Why bother." The same question when asked to a man in his mid-fifties elicited this response, "Well, yeah. We'd be there." But when asked "Why?" he fell into a stupefied silence.
The question of when worldwide oil ground reserves would peak elicited a variety of wrong answers ranging from "next Tuesday" to "Never." When told the generally agreed upon answer among experts was 2010 and that in 2010 Iraqi oil production was expected to rival that of Saudi Arabia, the largest oil producer in the world, "Correspondents stood there with a bemused half-smile on their faces." "Quite a coincidence" Bernays cued one college student. "Yeah?" she mused. Then she added "So it's becoming very important to control supply." "I made a note to turn her in," Bernays quipped.
"We don't even ask folks about so-called long range strategic initiatives out of the PFIAB, PNAC, from the Cheney and Rumsfeld cabals, Brzezinski, conservative think tanks or what not. They have no idea what were talking about. When we formulate our questions, we use what's commonly called 'sphincter logic.' We go for opinion, because opinions are like ass holes. Everybody has one. That's why we call them opinion poles. And that's where poles ultimately belong."
I asked if the ignorance of the American people was dangerous and Bernays replied, "Only if you're on the wrong side of the laser guided bomb. And that virtually encompasses the whole world. It means small numbers of elites are free to co-opt the entire American military, intelligence and political infrastructure and use it for their own benefit always keeping in mind the consumer habituations of the general population. You can get a junky to kill his mother."
"Is that a metaphor for the burning of fossil fuels and the destruction of the planet," I asked.
"Take it any way you want, college boy," Bernays chuckled.
"We can't even broach the fact that the U.S. sold chemical and biological weapons components to Iraq. People go ballistic. They realize that elite forces that rule over them and have lied to them have made a hell on earth in their name. But it's too much for the average guy. His lifestyle, compared to the rest of the heavily exploited world, is pretty good. I think he can stand being a murderer, but he can't accept being a sucker too."
As we stood at an intersection with a busy gas station on every corner, I asked the pollsters why they never asked questions like, "Are you willing to murder for oil?" Lee jumped in and said, "Because we know the answer would depend on how you asked the question. Polls are not lie detectors. We have what we call the hypothetical/historical paradox. For example, if we ask if paying out cash to locals for information about Al-Qaida or the Taliban is an acceptable way of gathering reliable information, a majority of respondents answer 'No' under what we call the 'money can't buy you love rule'. But if we say that the CIA or special forces had actually handed out money for information, the majority say that's okay because the paternalism and so-called respect for authority kicks in. These institutions are like daddy with his strap off. But if we then point out that the information gathered were lies and caused the deaths of innocent people, the respondents blame the folks who accepted the money but did not tell the truth. They never think to blame the individuals who represent U.S. institutions for using the moral and technical expedient of bribes to gather information. We don't even try to delve into the historical and economic forces that culminate in U.S. troops tramping around someone else's country using the supposedly ethically abhorrent method of bribes to gather intelligence. In other words we can get any answer we want and our bosses, in this case Post/Newsweek, always want us to get answers that support the power elite. After all, that's who they are."
I asked Bernays if he liked his job and he replied, "No. Not really. The American people are such stupefactions, such nitwits. I would prefer to be one of the elites exploiting them, rather then listening to their inane comments. If what they say is true about opinions, my job is tantamount to having people stick their ass holes in my face all day and fart in English. I'm just a proctologist for the American psyche. My job is to quantitatively choreograph stupidity to serve the interests of the powers that be. I freely admit it. I'm a whore."
my copyright or wrong 2002 The Ass. Press
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