The Assassinated Press
Will Reinstating the Military Draft Scare American Youths Into Educating Themselves?:
Will Being Blue Balled By A Land Mine Shrink Howard Stern's Demographic?:
"Explain The Popularity Of Wooly Bully By Sam the Sham And The Pharoahs In the Sixties" Counters Draft Dodger And Professional Wack Job, Bill O'Reilly:
Sales Of Covert Action Quarterly, the Collected Works Of V.I. Lenin and the Socialist Worker Skyrocket As Sales Of Video Games Plummet
By YASO ADIODI
The Assassinated Press
The Hobo Camp (established 1813) Behind Union Station, Washington DC--- You can't shake his hand. He has no arms. You can't amble over to the Starbucks with him. He has no legs. You can't scrutinize his expression. He has no face. You can't even step up and reach under his rags and give him a hand job, like Trumbo's Johnny, because this Johnny's got no willie. He's Sergeant Mac "Resume Speed" Tyler of Stars and Stripes, Indiana and this human discharge is honorable in military parlance. "I have no regrets" Sgt. Mac scrawls into the dirt with a pencil strapped around what's left of his skull. "I get $500.00 a month and a paper box."
Sergeant Mac was injured in a friendly fire incident just outside of Saigon, Vietnam in 1967. His former commanding officer now his fellow indigent, Lieutenant Kyle "Frag Bait" Weamer, tells Tyler's story. "He was personal chef to some of the American brass in Vietnam. That day they were having a special dinner party for the architect of the Phoenix Program, Nelson Brickham. Brickham arrived with 20 pounds of Semtex that the CIA was going to use to blow up a convent later that day and blame it on the Viet Cong."
Unfortunately for Mac, Brickham stashed the Semtex in one of the cook stoves. When the stove reached 375 degrees and Mac placed a large pan of quail stuffed with Viet Cong sweetbreads and hootch coochie, garnished with Bhuddist baby ears, it exploded covering the cook in his delicacy along with 2000 lbs. of scalding lasagna. The latter was a specialty of Mac's, a culinary My Lai that substituted decomposing NVA flesh for mozzarella and bayoneted People's Democratic Republic placenta for tomato sauce. Mac received a Purple Heart and three months of occupational therapy at a VA hospital and was sent on his way.
"When I got home, nobody wanted to know me. The sight of me made them throw up. And after I was there for a couple of weeks I noticed all the kids in my neighborhood were reading Gramsci, Marx, Mark Twain, Smedley Butler, Chomsky, Hoffman, Giap as well as the Wall Street Journal and the Financial Times. They knew things I could never dream of knowing. Limb saving things about the liars who send us off to die so they can line their pockets. You know the type. The type your daddy and his buddies always talked about in the abstract over beers, but whose power they were too cowardly to confront because they knew in their heart of hearts that the McNamaras and Kissingers of the world actually were part of a stooge class of mass murderers. My father's generation. The World War II generation and the Korean War vets were scared shitless of the Dulles's, the Jimmy Byrnes and the Richard Helms of the world. They didn't educate themselves because they were afraid to cross them."
With recruitment at an all-time low, recruitment centers have gotten creative. Many centers now offer catalogues of the most advanced prosthetics and run infomercials of guys running the New York Marathon on springy artificial legs albeit losing badly. Recruitment officers have been ordered to sell Halliburton Life and Personal Injury Insurance as part of signing up. Many in the Cheney administration have bought stock in Dick's new seeing-eye dog venture, Rabid Vision. There is a new Army publication just for amputees and pyschologically damaged vets called Scars and Bars. The Pentagon has even published a calendar showing amputees rubbing bumps and stumps with beautiful starlets, super models and pop divas. One shows Britney Spears standing over a triple amputee who has lost the use of his 'lollipop.' She's holding a foaming bottle of Pepsi millimeters from her crotch while the bubble above her head pouts, "This will go better with Pepsi!"
Lila Deveraux, founder of PELSD or the Project to Educate the Lynerd Skynerd(sic) Demogaphic thinks that the military draft is probably the only answer to the ignorance of young people in America especially young males. "Nothing focuses you like seeing a picture of a guy face down in the mud cut in half by large caliber machine gun fire who has the same Guns and Roses tattoo on his butchered torso as you do while your holding your letter from the selective service telling you to report for your physical on Monday morning. Then it's too late to be ignorant, but you are nonetheless. Then its time to see if you can fit into one of your sister's dresses or act crazy like Bill O'Reilly at your physical or fit into one of Bill O'Reilly's dresses."
It's estimated that during the U.S. Invasion of Vietnam literacy among American males of draft age went up 30,000%. Deveraux expects a similar result now that it appears likely that the draft will be reinstated while the faux market kleptocracy pursues its wet dreams of oil, precious metals, and all the padded contracts to do the shit from Afghanistan, Iraq, Yugoslavia, Zimbabwe and Venezuela to Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria and Indonesia.
"Already with the butchery in Afghanistan and Iraq, recruitment is way down among the chicken hawks. The draft will strip away that sense of immunity that now allows young males to blow it out their ass on talk radio call ins. The potential for getting your face blown off, like I say, focuses you. They'll have to hunt down the Howard Stern generation exhausted as they may be from masturbation. As always even the ignorant, faux patriotic will run from the draft. But since the American Constitution has been abrogated, Attorney General John Assrift should have no trouble rounding them up," Deveraux says.
In anticipation of the draft, Progress Publishers the official press in the U.S. of the former Soviet Union is gearing up to reprint hundreds of titles. "We're the only publisher in Chicago hiring," said Otis Trotsky, shop steward for the printer's union at Progress. In fact, were the only people in all of Chicago who are hiring." "Make that all of the country" chimed in Alex Berkman who is re-editing the Collected Works of Ho Chih Minh for the press.
Trotsky continued, "We expect a surge in thinking among young people after a long, long and profound period of dormancy. It's the one place most people start out equal. I mean the average putz screaming his lungs out at an Extreme Wrestling venue presumably has the same number of body parts as Don Rumsfeld size notwithstanding. And if push comes to shove pretty much everybody would like to keep it that way. Deep down even the yahoos understand that equal inventory of body parts is just about the only democratic thing about the U.S."
"And it's not up for negotiation. If you go to some country you can't spell. If you go to some country you can't find on a map just to spite the few who have actually learned a little bit about how the world operates and more importantly have taken it to heart and chosen not to emulate the murderers then you are a monumental chump. Monumental. But if, when the draft arises, you hit the books and periodicals, ferret out the self-serving money murderers among us, all you're gonna get from us here at Progress is why'd you wait until it was a matter of self-interest. You shirked your duty, motherfucker. Your responsibility was right here stopping the Albrights, Bergers, Rumsfelds, Cheneys, Powells, Wolfowitzes and Feiths. I mean, whose got the bling-bling. You ain't got the bling-bling. Dick's handlers got the bling-bling. How many folks with the bling-bling lose their ding-a-ling in a foreign war? You only compound your cowardice by getting your ass blown up," added Trotsky.
"Now, that's a harsh indictment---equating ignorance with cowardice," said Bill O'Reilly when I read a transcript of Trotsky's diatribe to him. "That's like puttin' the chicken inside the egg. It may be a fact but you still have to break a few thousand eggs to secure a hamlet. I mean, omelet. That's what young people have to realize. Rich people can't get what they want by themselves. We need morons. That's my job to create fools, fodder and idiots. And I'm damn good at it. That's why I'm magisterially compensated. Its also important to remember that I think the public pecking order is perfect as it is. That's why I'm dead set against bringing back the draft. Aren't the Hessians still for hire?"
"Don't you believe in the other man's point of view even if he's a robber baron who controls much of what you do and see?" I asked Berkman.
"You mean 'equilibrium'?"
"Yeah, equilibrium," I replied.
"That's science, you asshole."
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