The Assassinated Press


White House Unveils New 'Adopt A Bomb' Campaign

By YASO ADIODI
Real Special to the Assassinated Press

To defray some of the enormous cost of the invasion of Iraq, the White House today unveiled their 'Adopt a Bomb/ Kill An Iraqi Child' program. Under this program Americans would be encouraged to make a donation to the cash strapped U.S. military. The donation would take the form of 'adopting' a particular piece of ordnance in the U.S. arsenal in return for having it customized for use in Iraq.

At a special strategy session with the Washington Post editorial board, Army Spokesperson, Ima Stoogey, announced the program. "This program will allow every American to send a message to them A-rab dogs in the form of a bomb designed to kill and maim as many people as possible especially children."

A person with the financial wherewithal to purchase a half million dollar SLAM-ER missile can have his own personalized message painted on the side, just like the real boys in the military do.

For those whose portfolios were hit heavy by the market and would like to take it out on someone but can't afford another set of alimony payments, the military has made available for 'adoption' its entire array of bombs. The selection goes from the monumental 15,000 lb. BLU-82 to the most diminutive Cluster Bomb in the arsenal. All ordnance in these classes will have the donor's name stenciled on the side and for an extra $25.00 the army will send you a bone scrap of a dead Iraqi civilian wrapped in a tiny American flag "like lamb in a grape leaf. Will make a great souvenir for the grandkids." For $100.00 you can get an ear.

For those of you who have been recently laid off and are too chicken to take it out on the on-going criminal enterprise that is the free market, you can adopt any thing from a grenade to a 60 caliber machine gun bullet for as little as $10.00. These will have your initials only scratched into the casing by minimum wage laborers in Belize who work at a firm owned by our enormously engaging and tolerably hygenic Secretary of War, Don 'I Sold Nuclear Material To North Korea' Rumsfeld.

National Security Adviser, Kindasleazie Rice, has been chosen by the White House to front the campaign. "She's one of our best House niggers," said White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. "We're certain she'll do a good job for us."

A pilot ad shows a grinning Kindasleazie Rice, surrounded by open baby coffins. She looks directly into the camera and implores the American people to "open their hearts and dig deep, and adopt a bomb so that the Cheney/Bush cabal can fill these boxes with the meat scraps of Iraqi children" as she gestures over the tiny coffins.

A separate pilot shows the NSC advisor visiting a school and having the school children slip $10.00 bills into her belt as she gyrates to hip-hop. Suddenly Rice stops dancing, turns into the camera and says, "Kill a terrorist baby, before it grows up and tries to kill you."

Another add shows an affable, grandfatherly Dick Cheney in fatigues with one fat butt cheek propped -up on the fender of a U.S. Army jeep and with images of frolicking Hollywood child actors dressed up to resemble some American xenophobes delusion of an Iraqi child. Suddenly the children stop playing and from under their long robes pull out grenades, rip the pins out with their baby teeth and hurl them straight into the camera. Cheney looks up somberly and says, "Act now. Let's kill 'em in the cradle. Let's kill 'em before they learn to throw and put your son or daughter in harms way as we occupy their country. Adopt a Bomb Today."

The White House has hired the Public Relations firm of Bernays, Goebbels and Lee to put together the campaign.

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