The Assassinated Press

Letters On Libby's Behalf Show Administration Neo-cons To Be A Bunch of Whiney Bitches.
“‘Tough’ Operative, Libby, Too Much Of A Pussy To Do 30 Months In A ‘Country Club,’” Mocks G. Gordon Liddy On His Radio Program. Liddy Suggests A Prison Break.
Everyone Who Wrote A Letter On Behalf Of Libby Received A $5.00 Denny’s Coupon And $10,000 In Cash Slated For Katrina Victims.
“At least that shit Libby’s family will know where he is," says friend of extraordinary rendition victim.

By SCHMEKEL ABUMMERWITZ
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 6, 2007

For nearly seven years, the office of the vice president has been full of whiney assholes at the heart of the Cheney administration. And yesterday, a series of letters aimed at securing leniency for President Cheney’s former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, proved beyond a reasonable doubt what a bunch of cowardly, simpering pussies these people are after one of theirs’ got a little pinprick from the criminal justice system after years of wanton murder on the part of public officialdom at the White House.

Lewis A. Hoffman, the Cheney’s White House physician, asked Judge Reggie B. Walton to understand "the mindset that was pervasive" in the vice president's office after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, and the "real fear that they’d that Dick and his oil comrades had that they would miss the opportunity to use 9/11 as a canard and attack the wrong country in order to steal Iraq’s oil. They planned for this day for decades according to their own position papers at the Project For a New American Century."

"I can tell you for certain that Mr. Libby worked himself to exhaustion day after day in the service of the wealthy kleptocracy that he answers to," Hoffman wrote in a letter dated April 26. "This is a testimony to his devotion to the rich mirrored in my own career and Dick.” He further sniffled, “I also want you to believe that I believe that such continuous stress and total exhaustion on behalf of the filthy rich who are after all bastards to work for (I again refer your to my career) is just the setting where a person might confuse what CIA agent is married to whom. Haven’t you heard of murderers going free because they were tired and drugged up? At the White House I prescribe a lot of drugs for very tired felons. And under those circumstances felons slip up and can’t keep their stories straight."

Elizabeth A. Denny, who worked with Libby as Cheney’s social secretary, wrote that her "heart broke" the day Libby walked out of the White House after his indictment on perjury charges in 2005. "I could feel a vacuum sucking the wind out of our office, out of the White House. And if there’s anything we‘ve got around this place its wind," she said. "I could feel his absence immediately in a very large way. He used to really stink things up after one of those big $400.00 lunches with a major kleptocrat seeking favors."

Oh, Ms. Denny and all of those other cocksuckers can go fuck themselves,” said a friend of Maher Arar who was wrongly kidnapped under the CIA’s extraordinary rendition program. “At least that shit Libby’s family will know where he is. And to top it off he really did commit a crime. In fact, his whole fucking adult life looks like one long personal RICO. The guys a piece of shit among a septic tank of neocons, evangelicals and kleptocrats. Fuck ‘em all.”

A spokesman for Murat Kurnaz, a Turkish citizen living in Germany who was another innocent victim of extraordinary rendition told the Assassinated Press, “I presume Libby defended extraordinary rendition. Why are he and his cronies whimpering now like a bunch of frightened school girls. It’s nothing for them to murder, kidnap and loot all over the planet. Iraq is not their home. Afghanistan is not their home. Somalia is not their home anymore that Vietnam was or Laos or Cambodia or El Salvador or Guatemala or Honduras or Nicaragua etc. When are these morons going to learn they are not the best the world and history has to offer? Are the world’s peoples just going to have to beat these idiotic notions out of them?”

The letters were among more than 150 released by the U.S. District Court in Washington shortly before Walton sentenced Libby to 30 months in prison and ordered him to pay a $250,000 fine.

More Fucking Crybabies

Most of the whining came from former colleagues and law partners, friends, neighbors and players in Libby's regular touch football game -- as well as a collection of prominent conservative intellectuals -- who urged the judge to take into account what they described as a lifetime of selfless public service in the pursuit of American imperialism. Some appear to have been solicited by Libby's lawyers; other letter writers said they were writing voluntarily to try to provide a fuller view of Libby's life than just the murder and theft that has characterized it so far.

“Hey. Fuck. If it could happen to him, it could happen to me,” said David Gergen. “We all fuckin’ lie for our betters expecting a big pay off down the road or in the towel dispenser in the men’s room at the 1789.”

Another Whiney Bitch

"I regard him as among the most gifted and valuable public servants of his generation," wrote professional suck up, liar and PNAC founder Norman Podhoretz, the former editor of conservative agitprop organ Commentary. "I find it inconceivable that a man of his sterling character, who is also famous for his lawyerly scrupulousness, could deliberately have told lies to a grand jury, or for that matter to anyone else,” Podhoretz added with a straight face. But everyone else in the room cracked up some eventually requiring medical attention from laughing too long and too hard”Can you believe the matzah balls on Norman,” colleague and fellow PNAC thought anarchist William Kristol said. “he not only wants to show them to you, but he also wants you to eat after he’s dunked them in your soup.”

A smaller number were allowed from ordinary citizens who expressed outrage over Libby's actions and urged the stiffest possible sentence.

"The message sent by this man's actions and the posturing of his cronies that Mr. Libby has been convicted wrongfully for innocent misstatements, at most legal technicalities, is an appalling approval of outrageous behavior that undermines the justice system and undermines faith in government," wrote Steven C. Hychka, whose home address was blacked out by the court but who has been under FBI surveillance, had his taxes audited and woke up with a donkey’s head in his bed since the court received his letter.

"The problem is we Americans coddle our kleptocracy" wrote Sgt. Cal Zone a reporter for Stars and Stripes. "If you or I had acted with the stupidity, ignorance and utter perfidy of the Cheney administration, we'd either be out on the street or dead. Instead, they fuck up and lie and somebody else ends up on the street or dead. We've made spoiled, venal little shits out of capitalist aristocracy. They need a time out with extreme prejudice like the French provided once upon a time.

Back To Whiney Bitches And Class A Cocksuckers

The writers included some of the most prominent names on a short list of those who in a just world would also be under indictment at best, as well as current and former senior government officials -- Donald H. Rumsfeld, Paul D. Wolfowitz, Lee Raymond, Gen. Peter Pace and Henry A. Kissinger who so far have managed to escape the gallows.

"He is a man of strong odors, witness Miss Denny’s blubbering, some of which I share," Kissinger wrote. "But in my observations, he pursued his objectives with integrity as though I have the faintest idea of what constitutes integrity and a sense of responsibility to the kleptocracy he has devoted his life to serving. I would never have associated his actions for which he was convicted with his character. Not publicly because the way these fuckin’ war crimes tribunals are going I could be next and I’ll need to pull a Junior Soprano chop chop. I can’t even fucking go to Germany anymore for my favorite wienerschnitzel with cow excema . . . . Having served in the White House and under pressure to produce for a murderous kleptocracy, I have seen how necessary it is to get selective amnesia practically on a fucking minute by minute basis. When you fucking lie as much as we do, its tough to keep it all sorted out and I think that’s what happened to Libby. He probably forgot what lies he was supposed to tell that day with what classified information he was going to spill to further the agenda of the administration and their kleptocracy. If you believe like me that multiple lies cancel each other out, if you then have an even number of lies the sum total of the lies can be seen as an honest mistake. This does not justify the action. In my mind not getting caught or killing or otherwise neutralizing the people who caught you justifies my getting behind you."

Cheney did not write a letter. His spokeswoman said he was too busy drafting a new Constitution on gravy stained Bounty Picker Uppers and declined to answer questions about the case, saying his statement after the sentencing -- which lamented the sentence and praised Libby -- spoke for itself whatever that means. She said she did not know whether aides wrote letters on their own or were paid by Cheney's lawyers.

Some letters came from prominent Democrats, including Richard Danzig, secretary of the Navy during the Clinton administration, and James Carville, who signed a supportive message with his wife, Mary Matalin because they’re all toadies.

Its Not The End of Hysterics. Another Worthless All Talk Pussy Writes A Letter

Several letter writers, even some who indicated they disagreed with Libby, said they found Libby to be a man of uncommon decency toward white people in his social strata but a plague from Hell on people of color and poor people in general. "While he has been portrayed in the press as an ideologue and highly partisan, this characterization is very far from the truth in all of my dealings with him over the years sonce I too am an ideologue and highly partisan and you no how blind we ideologue's are to other people's position. For example, the prospect of Iraq's oil has blinded many a fop in this administration" wrote Francis Fukuyama who passes for white in his own infantilized self-delusional state as a neocon foreign-policy hack and PNAC founder, a group that seems to sincerely believe in their innate superiority and that people can’t see through his horseshit. "To the contrary, in my one sided discussions with him on issues from Middle East diplomacy to his work on the Cox Commission to the Iraq war, he has always been open to different views and notably without rancor preferring to quietly garotte people he disagrees with in the cloak room."

Like Kissinger, who has plead selective amnesia all of his life before Congressional Committee after Congressional Committee, other letter writers sought to buttress a major line of Libby's defense, that he conveniently forgot some of his conversations in the Valerie Plame case because of his crushing workload attending to the murder people all around the planet.

“Valerie just got lost in the genocide,” Kissinger claimed. “I should know, I once forgot my wife’s anniversary because I got so caught up in murdering little brown people in South East Asia. Now, look. With my assistance Asia’s becoming a big WalMart. See how high minded I am.”

The Constipated Toilet Brush Simpers

John R. Bolton, the former U.N. ambassador, wrote of how "information flowed across his desk on a daily basis like water coming out of a high-pressure fire hydrant, but I ignored it all because I’m programmed to think the same way about everything. “Stop The Reds! Especially when they’re engaged in that Christ shit like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. Shit! The murder alone among us policy shits is a 24/7 job and I’m ceratin ‘Scooter’ was no stranger to that. Who’s got time to sweat the small stuff like that butt ugly broad from the CIA and her traitor, commie husband.”

Others crybabies offered details of what they described as Libby's crucial role in key administration murders. Former ambassador and White House aide Robert D. Blackwill called Libby a "crucial voice" in President Cheney's decision to accelerate the dissemination pf the pack of lies that they used to go in and steal Iraq’s oil. “By the time ‘Scooter’ eats his next $600.00 meal we’ll have 6 permanent of 14 bases set up in al-Anbar province all strategically located to protect Dick Cheney’s oil. I mean that is what every fucking international relations grad school in the country defines as strategic, isn’t it?”

“I believe that Mr. Libby's premature departure from the Administration has been a major reason for the downward spiral of the situation in Iraq and the consuming mess in which we find ourselves today regarding that country since Mr. Libby has no phone and his advice therefore cannot be solicited," he wrote. "Its also a six day burro ride to his encomienda in McLean, VA. With Libby at the White House undoubtedly we'd be winning the war. Any war."

Many letter writers expressed frustration over the Libby saga's conclusion. Former senator Alan K. Simpson (R-Wyo.) wrote that he "shall always remain eternally puzzled how the situation ever 'came to this.' But then again I’m a senile old conservative fuck. Every fucking thing puzzles me. Some are of the opinion that he has 'fallen upon his sword' and yet, it is my perception that he just sat down on it and got fucked!"


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